I agree with you that she is pulling a really crappy move on Dave with her lame lines. It is calculating. It does hurt.
HOWEVER, if he does NOT stick up for himself and call her on her behavior by communicating with her, he is as much to blame for this as she is. You cannot blame your actions in a bar on your spouse. (If she didn't treat me the way she does, I wouldn't be doing this.) That's personal accountability.
Sometimes we are ALL insensitve. Last week, my H communicated with me in a very juvenile manner and it really got to me. But as NOP so gently reminded me... look, if the partner isn't going to pick up the ball, you can get mad that you are YET AGAIN picking up the ball, or you can get over yourself and pick up the ball before things get so out of hand that we both quit the game.
Quote: How are married people supposed to communicate? With caring, concern and a genuine interest for the other person's feelings. Why shouldn't she express the same interest in him that she would if he were someone she was picking up in a bar? What is wrong with him wanting that level of interest from her...even though they are married? He is vying for his wife's attention and has every right to expect it. He has every right to expect a decent level of communication, especially when it comes to something as important as sex.
What if he is acting in a way that would make her NOT want to pick him up in a bar? What if he is expecting a certain level of commitment and behavior from her, but is not giving the same in return?
I agree with you, Cathy, but what you are talking about is when things are working well on both sides. Something isn't right in the AD Household and they have hit a backslide. That's par for the course. Stuff like this isn't like fixing a broken arm. You get it set and its done. It takes constant attention.
I'm not saying that Dave is not justified in feeling slighted. I'm not saying Dave is not entitled to feeling hurt. I'm not even saying Dave isn't 100% RIGHT. What I am saying is, there is a problem. It does not seem to be solving itself. What are you now going to do to try and fix it?
And again, I don't care WHAT she is doing, Dave's decision to take off his ring in a bar was HIS decision. I'm not saying it was right, not saying it was wrong. If he felt the need to do that, there is a PROBLEM.
He is headed back to the C because he sees there is a problem. It's the smartest thing he could possibly do. Why dump on the W or his behaviors if these things are not the issue? The issue is in supporting him in finding a solution to his problem. Which he is fully capable of doing. He's a smart guy.
