Back on Track

[BeingMe]

Yep! I did give it to him last week. He read it and said he would sign it, but that we would have to change a couple of things. He wasn't sure if I could stay on his medical aid while separated, and he wasn't sure if he could make it for another year, seeing my "long face" everyday after work. I was so shocked! I have been quiet, but not unhappy. In fact, I am so not interested in this M, it's just not funny. Anyway, I think he realised how hurtful his remark was because he did apologise. Later in the week, I suggested we just get this over with, and move on with our lives.

So, the new arrangements are that we will get the house as ready as possible in the next 2 months, get it sold this summer while at the same time buying another, smaller house for myself and the children (on both our names, and he will transfer it to mine, once we make the S official). He will then find an apartment in the area. This way, we can pay off our debts, get me a new car (the van is finished), the kids won't have to move out of their area, and in particular, D12 can stay at her school. I want to make this as easy as possible for her. The twins (S/D17) will be 18 soon, and way more independent, and S17 may even be moving in with a friend.

I was telling H last night, how sad I feel, and how much of a failure I feel. I had withdrawn, and I should've stayed connected to the M before he had the EA. I can make the excuse that he also always withdrew (this was his way of dealing with whatever was bothering him instead of telling me, and then I would feel something was out of whack and have venting sessions, and finally a couple of years ago, I just did the same thing he did, and withdrew completely), and had other things that didn't help, but I should've done something. This is not the sort of example I wanted to set for my children. In a way though, I am relieved it's over. H has not been the easiest person to live with over the years - we had a generally good M, but there were times I wondered why I was with him (guess we all do that from time to time), and maybe I wasn't easy for him. I am looking forward to being on my own, and proving that I don't need anyone else to make me happy. And, perhaps this will be the best thing for him, too. He will still fully support us while I am studying for the next year, and until the D is final, thereafter, he will pay the usual maintenance/support.

I am attracted to him still, but I don't think I love him as I did before. To me, my real H is dead (he wouldn't have lied the way this H did), and this person is not someone I want to be with for the rest of my life. If he wanted to make it work, he's going to have to really get my attention, and falling in love with him again would be the same as falling in love with a stranger.

It's still weird how he still hugs and kisses me hullo and goodbye. Still snuggles at night. Always tells me where he is and what he's doing. Takes me with to work affairs, like his collegue's birthday party on Saturday, and we still ML. I told him things will be far different once we are living apart, and he says that he will always be there for me. I said, that it won't be possible - what if there's someone else in our lives, and anyway, I want to be independent so won't be phoning him to come fix things. And, he said that he would love to do that for us. The man is driving me INSANE!!!!!!! I feel like I'm living in BizarroLand!

Anyway, those are my thoughts, and the general events, and feelings of the last week.

I am truly looking forward to my new life, and am eager and impatient for it now. Well, I'm off to the gym. Had the day off today, and went gallery hopping downtown with D12 and we had lunch with H.