Back on Track

[BeingMe]

Sanity? What's that? Ha! Sorry, for the long post, but I am just spewing my thoughts out, trying to work out what I really want, where I want to go, and some goals I want to achieve by summer 2006.

Firstly, I must be honest that I do see that I am far better off than most on this bb. My H is at home (until we sell the house next year), he cares about me ("deeply", he says), wants to be friends, yadda, yadda. I do appreciate that, but I am tired of being treated with disrespect (as Dr Phil says, we teach people how to treat us, and I intend to no longer teach my H to treat me with disrespect and disloyalty, therefore, I have to detach and get on with my life, and go through with the D). It's been 20 years, and he has seldom, if ever, gone out of his way to find out what I want, what my needs are, what makes me tick, sometimes even verbalizes how my interests are disinteresting or downright boring. Well, excuse me if I don't find programming manuals exciting and various other interests he has (but, never ever told him that). He thinks he figures it out, does the wrong thing, even though I have told him over and over again. I have put up with porno addiction, withholding stuff from his childhood (which I totally sympathise with), lying to me, and he continues to lie, have been supportive when he was studying, with career changes, being there when he was travelling with his job, etc. He is blissfully unaware of the negative effect he has had on me, but no more (although I do recognise the good he has done too, but they are looking rather flimsy right now, as I'm sure is natural). Now, he comes up with all kinds of crappy excuses why he's not happy in the M, why he wants it to be over, despite having a family together, and despite his spiritual beliefs. He has forgotten what he said last year, what I said, what went on in the EA, invents all kinds of stuff that he thinks was said and done, forgotten the re-commitment he made (was probably putting on an act there too). Sometimes, I think I'm going nuts. I told him today, that I want everything he says in writing and signed, so that when his brain tells him something else, I can show him what was really said. He actually agreed, although he may change that down the line. I know that I am also responsible for our break-up, and I fully accept it, and will forgive myself for it, as I will forgive my H his part.

No! I am definitely moving on. I am 47 years old, and do not have the luxury of time to still try and work on this R. I am not going to waste my time any longer. I have things I want to do, places I want to see, people I am sure would be interesting to meet. I am registering to do a Personal Trainer certificate, am joining a jogging group, a book club, and a stock market single women's club. I want to spend time with my D12, paint, read, write, study (have to get Gr. 12 biology to do the personal trainer certificate, so am looking forward to that too - I like science). I think now, that my H has held me back when I am eager and so ready to forge ahead with life. We only have this one life to live (unless there is such a thing as reincarncation), so may as well make the most of it.

I do not hold out any hope for a reconciliation with my H, or getting back together down the road, before or after the D. He has lied and deceived me too many times for me ever to be able to trust him again - this last time was the last straw. I will work on getting over this as fast as possible, although not get involved with another man - at least, not for quite some time. I am happy to be on good terms with him, but I will keep my distance. Although, I have no idea how to get him to stop kissing/hugging me hullo and goodbye without hurting his feelings, or getting him to sleep in the spare room so that I can organise mine. We still have sex, and I don't know how to say no, because I enjoy it. But, we have to somehow find a way to separate our lives even though we are living in the same house. We have to demonstrate this by stopping all couple activities. I don't mind family stuff since we will always be a family, even though it's a separated one. I just don't know how to get this implemented.

Anyway, here are my goals:

Organise my bedroom, to maximize the space for study purposes.
Join the clubs mentioned above.
Register for Biology and Personal Trainer certificate.
Spend time with children, especially D12.
Continue going to the gym.
Finish Creative Writing course.
Paint, and write more.
Be friendly with H, but keep emotions distant, and detach from the couplehood.
Still try and be patient.
Learn to hold my tongue, even if I am right.

These goals are probably not that much different to the ones I have expressed before, but it's good to rewrite, and rethink one's goals, and give them a tweak or even change them.