Back on Track

[BeingMe]

Journalling and musing and thinking about great advice from my friend.

My H is a great guy - helps in the home, is superficially affectionate, a great dad, etc. However, I find that he is not emotionally there for me. He tells me he loves me, but I don't feel it. Maybe, I am expecting too much. I don't know. There's not passion, romance, no connection - not even a little. I flirt, I send signals, or I state clearly my needs and wants, but it's like hitting my head against a steel wall. Ouch! I feel almost ungrateful considering where we were last year, this time. It was March 2004 that the OW made contact. And, here I am, thinking of ending it, after all. That is, if things don't improve soon - the trust, emotionally connected part. My H says he doesn't want to lose my friendship, but he doesn't realise that I am a package deal - I am his wife, lover and friend. If he cuts one of those things out, he loses it all.

Anyway, I was chatting to a really good friend, who has been there for me since this all began. She doesn't take sides, but can see my point. She adores my H, and her H and mine get on very well. She gave me some good advice. I should write down the things he is doing right, and then write down the things I would like him to do with a time limit to each. If by the end of that period, he still hasn't done what I have asked (and I haven't nagged constantly about these things), then I should consider separating. I'm going to do it. Nr. 1 is my wedding and engagement rings - he has never understood how I wanted it as a symbol of our M (we couldn't afford it at the time we got married, and I always hoped he would get it for me, but he never did - not even at the time of our children's births - pretty hurtful). As a woman, that is important to me. I have now asked for it, and I am giving him until our 19th anniversary at the end of this month, to get it for me. And so, the list will begin!

This db'sting has been such a struggle for me. This last year has been one of self-discovery (good and bad), self-improvement (a lot of 180's), emotionally putting myself on the line and being open and surviving so much rejection and hurt, and yet I managed to detach, and do a lot of forgiving. I can move on with my life now, alone, and I will be more than okay. I want my H, but I don't need him. I will never need a man again. Not to make me happy, anyway. Ha!