Back on Track

[BeingMe]

Thanks Slowly and Roktop (I also live in Alberta, BTW),

Sometimes, I need to be hit over the head with a 2x4 to knock some sense into me. I know, logically, that I cannot control my H. I can only go by what he is saying to me, and some of his actions. I know that I should stop playing the 'what if' game - doesn't get me anywhere.

It's my emotional side that sometimes gets the better of me - the side that doesn't quite trust yet. He has let me down so many times - always claiming it was unintentional, and I was at fault somehow, never fully taking his side of the responsibility for his actions. So, now I do fear (yes, I know, Roktop, fear is somewhat of an undermining factor in piecing my M back together right now. I have to lose it!) that he will lie again, or hide things.

Slowly, we'll just have to be confident enough in ourselves, that no matter what happens, we will be okay. Life will go on. I don't need him to make me happy or keep loneliness at bay. Actually, I've always enjoyed my own company, so that wouldn't really be a problem for me, even though I do love to hang out with friends and family. So, why do I fear? Why don't I just trust? Maybe it's my ego, or maybe we've been together so long, I wouldn't know how to relate to another man (even if I would want to, although I do enjoy having a committed relationship, even with all the problems I've had). I guess life is an adventure, and one has to take the challenges as they come, and deal with them with humour, spirit, some craziness, and just get on with it.

I start to grow impatient with myself.