Back on Track

[BeingMe]

Journalling, but please comment, if you can think of what I can do.

I really am at a loss. We have completed our sessions with MC, but I think we stopped too soon. He is still not reassuring me that I am safe in our R. He is still not initiating ML (perhaps a couple of times in the last month, down from a couple of times a day up until our holiday in December). He still gives me little room to express my fears, needs, questions about EA. He rarely tells me he loves me first, but will respond the same if I say it. He is affectionate - hugs and kisses me hullo and goodbye, cuddles at night. He usually does contact me various time throughout the day.

We had another R talk last night where I told him that I feel unsafe in our M. And I want him to find a way that will reassure me that he will not have another affair again. He says that nothing in life is guaranteed (which I know, but heck, give me a crumb, please). He says he is sorry about what he put me through. He still brings up my past failings, and that he had intended leaving anyway (without informing me of his intentions) once our D12 had finished school. He gets very offended if I question his trustworthiness (he says it's the way I do it - oy!).

I feel like I am his second-choice (still) and only because I am the mother of his children, he is only here because of the them, and that he is only making a very feeble attempt at keeping our M together. I don't know what to do. Everytime, I start feeling a little trust, I get scared, and I backslide into thinking back to things he said about me to OW, and the things he said to her re having sex with her, them being together (he says now that it would never have worked because she has children, he has children, and they live thousands of miles apart, which leaves me thinking "why is he here with me then", "surely, not for my sake"?). I am just terrified of going through all this again. I feel like walking away, but I know I would feel guilty if I do.

I know I should have patience, but he has very little to spare for me. I think I am going back into panic mode, and that really is a dead-end street. I guess I'm going to have to find a way to take control of my life, with or without him - again. I am still seriously thinking of ending this M. He is not responding in a way that makes me feel secure, and I have a need to feel that my significant other is there for me, no matter what.

Agggghhh! Enough of this self-pity! I guess I will know, one way or another, if and when the time is right to stay and go.