Journalling:

I instigated a R talk yesterday. There are a few things that have been bothering me, and I just needed to clear the air. I don't know if he 'heard' what I was saying - all throughout our M, he has heard what he wants to hear, so I have no expectations. I am bothered by our lack of intimacy (always been a problem), for instance, he won't kiss me on my lips during lovemaking, and it makes me feel rejected. Anyway, I spelled it out as clearly as I can what I want, what my needs are, and how I feel when they're not being met. He responded by reminding me that I was emotionally unavailable (and the times this happened changes according to his mood - and he forgets his own emotional bankruptcy at various times) for so many years (which is bs), that he loves me and is in love with and has always loved me, but he needs me to be patient (and I have been painfully so since finding out about the EA), and that he doesn't feel the same way he did before despite being in love with me - WTF!

I am now losing what little patience I have left, and feel he is dragging his feet in helping to make our M work. I told him that, although I had low self esteem in the past, now I don't, and I feel I deserve to be treated with respect.

We shall see where it goes. He seemed to listen, and take what I was saying into consideration. I mentioned a couple of other things, but who know really how much he cares, one way or the other. The EA has, apparently, been over since August 2004, but the longer he takes to withhold true intimacy, the longer I feel he is still in contact and has not really broken the connection with the OW. Since asking for us to ML and not just have , we haven't done it. Go figure! Perhaps he really is feeling pressurized, as he says. I am tired of working this mostly by myself.

Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed.
D35,S/D twins28,D22
EA4/04 End? Who knows?
"Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim