Back on Track

[Zoo]

Hi Phoenix...may I wish you a belated welcome to Piecing

I've been down the road you are on (still am to some degree i suppose) and it does drive you crazy and makes fo r some really tense moments.

My take is this...I made the conscious CHOICE to trust my H again. It took a heckuva lot of self talk to do so but i did it. Just a DB teaches LOVE is a choice, so is trust. So are most aspects of an R. We chose to fight the hard fight to stay with our M's and do whatever it took to make it work. We bought a book and joined a bb community to help us do things we never imagined that we could...all by choice. We accomplished these things ALONE as well...remember, it only takes one person actively working on it to save an M

If you have Db'd well enough to bring your alien home then there is no way that you could be the consolation/booby prize, second choice or anything else of that nature. You are the GOLD RING by HIS CHOICE...you set things up for that to happen You SHOWED him through artful and loving DB'ing what a wonderful catch you were and you convinced him of it...or he wouldn't be there now

Take the pressure off...talking about something he doesn't want to or isn't ready for right now could drive a wedge in again. My H will talk about many aspects of the R, he likes to talk about the future and what is going on in it day to say...but if I venture into the past he closes up tighter than a tick, gets angry and we inevitably have an argument. For him, the past is done and over with...it can't be changed and it ISN"T going to be repeated and there is no sense in constantly beating away at it (we talked about it extensively when he made up his mind to come back...that short time-period was enough for him).

Try to focus in on what your H does DO and SAY. Could it be that he just doesn't know your LL so you aren't "hearing" his feelings for you? Do you have a preconceived idea of the way he should be behaving right now since he CHOSE to make the M work? Are you still trying to follow the steps in the book and thinking "this is where we should be right now"? THe one thing I learned is that while the book makes an excellent guideline for OUR behaviour pre- and post- reconcilliation there is no hard, fast set of rules you can follow once you reconcile in regard to the way your spouse is going to act. SOme S's spew forth a guilt-ridden, teary apology and go out of their way to reassure and reconfirm their feelings...other's apologize once and that's enough while still others never apologize at all or recognize any guilt for their actions. They do what makes it possible for them to live with themselves and that is it. Once you reconcile you do a lot of winging it.

In the end...what you may need to do is seek individual counseling to help you deal with this aspect better. If you can make the choice to trust him again though...it is the best gift you could ever give..to both you and your H.

Regards,
Zoo