One thing that I am feeling right now, and Frankly said it best, is that I am the consolation prize. If we didn't have children, and if he didn't feel responsible for me, and if the OW wasn't married with children, and if, if, if, then I don't think he would've chosen me. I have tried so hard in the past 18 months or so, to build up my self-esteem which he kindly assisted me with the breakdown of it, and now I feel myself skidding down the hill of my esteem. If all that makes sense.
Anyway, I still feel insecure in this R, and he isn't doing anything to make me feel any safer. Yes, he says the EA is over, and has been since August 2004, says he doesn't love her, but loves me, is affectionate most days, but there is no passion, no kissing during lovemaking, no reaching for me when we're out (i.e. holding my hand - only if I take his), no reading material where he could make the M better, doesn't initiate telling me he loves me (only says it if I do). He gets angry and offended if I verbalize my mistrust, but WTF, he is the one that caused the mistrust. I feel he wants to trivialize the EA and how I felt in response to it, and just move on, but it's not that easy. And this has always been his MO - bury the bad stuff he's done and move on, but it's not that easy this time. This time, it's not porno (which is bad enough), but an affair. This is something that didn't just have the potential to effect him and me, but our children too. This is not just fooling around, but a deep betrayal. How do I dig myself out of this, and move on with our M? How do I tell him what I want in order to feel secure in our M, without him acting all hurt and upset that I don't trust him? I feel that I am now starting to push my uncertainties under the rug just for the sake of peace, and to save my M. In other words, putting myself second - again. Is it worth it? I'm not so sure it is anymore, but I am going to wait a few months and see where it all goes.
I think I need to rethink and review my goals.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
