Ellie, just a note on liability insurance. The International Coach Federation offers professional liability insurance to their members. You may want to check out the offering to see if it meets your needs. ICF Look in the Member Benefits section.
Thanks Michele - I know this - and have meant to speak to them - but presumably this insurance still would not protect me from medical malpractice suits based on medical advice or information that I gave. that's where the problem comes in. And while I certainly could just plan to have a coaching practice that doesn't address medical questions, it would be limiting me in a way I don't want to be limited - since one of my great frustrations in life is how often patients don't receive correct or timely medical information from their doctors.
Mojo - the second most popular book among DBers, after Michele's books, is a little gem called the Five Love Languages by Chapman. Basically, it says that people express and receive love in one of five ways - Words of Affirmation ("oh, honey, you're so smart, beautiful, talented..."), gifts, Acts of Service (ie your H washing your car for you), Quality time, and Physical touch (not necessarily sex, but handholding, stroking, massaging, hugging, etc.).
Most people seem to have 2 or so LLs that they prefer to receive in. And if a spouse is speaking a different love language - they may not be able to understand you, just as I wouldn't understand if you spoke Swahili to me.
Picture the guy who expresses himself in AOS - washes the car for his wife. If her LLs are quality time and WOA - then she's not happy he washed the car, she's pissed!!!! SHE thinks he doesn't love her because he didn't bring her a flowery card with WOA and spend that time with her, instead of out in the driveway.
As it relates to DBing - if you can learn your spouse's LLs, and speak to them in those languages, they will be more likely to respond positively to you. Also, if you understand THEIR expressive love languages (not necessarily the same as receptive) you will be more likely to recognize when they are telling you they love you.
Get the book - it's a quick read, and the only R book my H ever read - he even gave several copies to his friends!
In the course of all this remodeling (the whole fish tank saga) we are re-papering our bathroom. Paper guy came and stripped it, then we had painter paint the ceiling. I hesitated a couple days in scheduling the paperer to return, because of uncertainty about whether I was going on this ski trip or not.
After a couple days of phone tag, I spoke to paperer yesterday - he can't come until Feb. 14th to complete the job. (Now mind you, the bathroom is fully functional, just needs wallpaper).
H calls me from his ski trip this am, asks about the schedule, and I tell him it won't be done until the 14th. H then starts to tell me to call another paperer, he wants it done right away, he justs needs it to be finished etc. etc.
Now - mind you - what are the odds that any paperer who is immediately available is any good (if he's so good, why doesn't he have work in our busily remodeling area?). Plue we've already started with this guy, he's very experienced and nice to work with and seems very reliable and gave us a reasonable price- some things you don't always find when contracting household work.
I put my foot down and told H he was being unreasonable. But I really do understand all this now, in a way I never did before - this is how H deals with his anxiety - by controlling the physical environment around him. And he's really, really anxious right now, with all the stuff happening with the kids and such - so he REALLY, REALLY wants the wallpaper done so he'll feel better!
Gee - why didn't I understand this years ago????
Ellie Oh - PS - I WILL help him feel less anxious by having all the stuff put away by the time he gets home, the kids rooms all arranged and organized, the house looking completely decluttered and nice. I draw the line at changing wallpaperers, tho' !
I see your point about H controlling the physical environment. I think both I and my W have the same coping strategy. And I wonder how much the months of remodeling, walking around boxes and constantly moving furniture, contributed to the dissatisfaction that W felt.
Is H aware of this behavior pattern in himself?
Hope things are going well with the kids. What did S13 finally decide about school?
I've seen several references to the "expressive LL" vs the "receiving LL" now. I don't remember seeing the difference covered in 5LL, particularly the idea that people with a certain expressive LL have a different receiving LL, e.g., AOS expressive seeking WOA. Is there another source for this kind of comparison?
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Quote: Is H aware of this behavior pattern in himself?
Somewhat - but only in his calmer moments. Wouldn't do any good to mention it to him right now.
Quote: Hope things are going well with the kids. What did S13 finally decide about school?
S13 decided to stay in his old school. We are making an appointment with a doctor to discuss options for dealing with his attention problems. I'm not crazy about medicating him, but even my H, who is normally REALLY opposed to such things, is suggesting we give it a try. It is all more complicated by his co-existing tics and OCD - certain meds are good for one and bad for the other. The doctor he will be seeing though comes recommended by the neurologist, and treated S13s best friend, who liked him a lot.
Quote: I've seen several references to the "expressive LL" vs the "receiving LL" now. I don't remember seeing the difference covered in 5LL, particularly the idea that people with a certain expressive LL have a different receiving LL, e.g., AOS expressive seeking WOA.
It is in the book, sorry, I don't remember where. Maybe wasn't made as clear as it needs to be. Many people express themselves in languages different from what they want to receive in - I, for instance, was big on giving AOS, which I could care less about receiving. The observation that people who give AOS are often seeking WOA is mine - I've seen it frequently on the boards, as well as in my own sitch.
Can't say for sure about the other LLs - seems like those who desire PT would give it (although maybe they would hold back if they were afraid of rejection, or if their libido is low and they fear offering touch will be misinterpreted as a sexual invitation?).
Seems like those who desire gifts would give them - but I suspect there may be a few women out there with "princess" mindsets who expect the gifts like daddy gave, without returning them (because they didn't buy big gifts for daddy when they were kids?). My H was a good gift giver and desired the same.
Quality time - well, that's the BIG way my H wants to receive - but he mostly gives it on HIS terms. That is, he wants quality time with me doing the things HE wants to do - he wouldn't accompany me to something he wasn't interested in just to spend quality time with me - but maybe that's just him!
WOA - hmmm, don't know what the person who GIVES WOA is looking for?
Slowly 