Valentine's Day Massacre - the Neverending Story

[Underdog]

Ellie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your news. I'll offer you a cyber hug (((((Ellie))))) because this stuff is heart wrenching.

I'm not here to offer you advice--I'm not the parent to someone with self esteem problems or escape by means of drugs. But as the sister to someone who has had drug problems for almost a lifetime, I've learned a few things about the nature of the beast. Some of this stuff is coming out now, and it's just too important not to share. If only, just to give you something to chew on.

My brother had a similar dynamic but a different set of circumstances. He's doing remarkably well now, but it has cost him and my parents dearly. And since this is something that fits well in the DB paradigm, I do want to share this. I hope you're not offended, as it is not meant to offend or offer you a personal agenda of mine.

My brother finally learned coping skills when the Commonwealth of Virginia took the responsibility away from my mom. She had him change schools in high school for the same reason, and I'm sure if she had considered home schooling, she would have done that too. She felt it was her job to prevent him from the social influences of others, rather than to help him cope in their midst.

It didn't work, Ellie. He still found unsuitable friends who allowed him to make his escapes. He told my parents the things that he wanted them to hear, but had his own agenda. And while my bro isn't an unkind person, he was dealing with some pretty powerful demons that were really his to figure out.

My mom should have had firmer boundaries with him as an adult (as well as a child) and she had plenty of shrinks tell her the same thing.

Dabbling with drugs and graduating to more serious usage is usually an indicator of a need to escape. As a mom, I know you do the best job you possibly can--and you try to head off future disaster by taking action now.

But some of these battles (not all of them) are your D's to figure out.

What are the ways you can lovingly detach? Allow her to reap some consequences for this sort of behavior but still lay firm parenting boundaries and expectations on her?

My parents pretty much grounded me my entire junior year, and I can tell you I only got worse. UGH.

Ellie, your D is only as strong as she allows herself to be. Right now, she's acting out and letting you know she's hurting. I consider this wonderful news. There is much hope when someone hurts badly enough for others to see.

I don't have the answers, Ellie, nor do I hope to convey that I think I do. I know it's all hard stuff.

If it's any encouragement, my 36-year old brother told my mom a couple months ago, "Mom! Stop making excuses for me! I'm quite capable of coming up with them all by myself. And the fact is, I don't need excuses. I need to be held accountable for the things I do."

That is exactly the moment I knew my brother was stronger than my mom. And that he finally wants to stay clean.

I don't see that parallel in your family, but a little consequence (with a lot of love) can really go a long way.

I hope this helps.

Hugs.

Betsey