My story: I'm 48, H 44, married 20 yrs. together 22, 3 kids S18 D14 S13. Backstory - night before our wedding old girlfriend seduces H. He spends next six months mooning over her and wondering if he made right choice. I know nothing until I find his journals six months into the marriage. Try to throw him out but he pleads. Eventually after I move to another city to continue my education he decides to recommit to marriage. We are happy, start family, life is good.
8 years ago I develop overactive thyroid, become spacy, loss of athletic capabilities, fatigue, gain 20 lbs.,etc. For various reasons pursue somewhat ineffective course of treatment until 3 years ago, disease flares up and am too fatigued and confused to continue working. Give up and take drugs for it (which have small risk of fatal disease). Numbers look normal but I never feel normal. After two years on drugs, make decision to kill off thyroid with radioactive iodine, become severely low thyroid after, takes 6 months to get thyroid replacement dose adjusted to proper level. Start feeling normal Nov. 2002.
H initiates MC 2 years ago. We go weekly but sessions seem focused on all his dissatisfactions with me and our mutual childhood abandonment issues (my father died, his mother left family in MLC). Things get worse.
Nov. 2002 - I'm finally starting to feel better. I find Michele's book. 2 days later H drops the bomb, ILYBINILWY. Spend November and December DBing madly. Because of improvement in thyroid condition am now able to work out and lose 20 lbs.H gradually warms up to me sexually, still no ILY's.
Dec. 29 - H wakes up early to "journal" then go surfing. Actually says ILY for first time as he leaves. Then I find his journal writings on the computer and discover: he started an affair one week after saying ILYBINILWY with a girl he had just met a couple weeks before. While we were on ski vacation before Christmas and having a great time together, he was still getting up and writing fantasies about happy second marriage with OW. H is planning separation. Kids find out, H comes home to tears and devastation all around. H tells me affair ended Thanksgiving weekend and OW moved out of town 2 weeks ago.
Dec. 30 - I announce to the board my intention to climb Mt. Whitney - to give me a goal to focus on outside the marriage and to celebrate my return to physical health.
January 2003 - H becomes very depressed after affair is discovered and seeks immediate psych visit - started on Prozac and individual counseling. Spends first three weeks of January very depressed - my concern for him overrides all else.
Last week in January, H still plans to move out Feb. 15, but starts to argue with me about child custody arrangements. I offer extremely generous visitation and buy myself a new bed because I don't want to sleep in old one with his memories when he's gone. Arrange for Feb 13th delivery.
Last weekend in January I go out of town on business trip with him for 2 days - seems a little better. H has insight with counselor about "longing", about how keeping one toe out the door in our marriage in case that "perfect" woman came along was a defense mechanism against the possibility of me abandoning him.
Next weekend - H actually feels happy! Is prozac kicking in or are insights from individual therapy kicking in? Unbeknownst to me, OW has been calling and emailing him throughout this past month. He is still drawn to the fantasy but starting to recognize her manipulative and self-centered side.
Second week of February - H informs apartment manager he is not moving in. Buys me red roses for Valentine's day and writes me a beautiful poem. Tells me ILY for Valentine's Day. We sleep together in my new bed. We go camping that weekend with kids and have a marvelous time.
Rest of Feb. - OW is still contacting H although he has asked her (not very forcefully) to stop. H finally tells me all this. Things between us are improving. He decides to write her a definitive "Don't contact me anymore" email but dawdles over it for over a week. I finally lose my patience just as he's coming to peace with the whole thing and letting go. We work it out. Go away on business trip together and ride hot air balloon over the desert.
March - I get my permits to climb Mt. Whitney. H is going to be my guide. We're both excited. I love him and he loves me. R is better than ever. He appreciates my strength and unconditional love when he was so confused. I know I wouldn't be here if not for Michele's books and the love and support of everyone here on the board.
June – we climb Mt. Whitney together! Our love is strong, although there are still issues to work through, but we are learning how to be more productive in how we deal with them.
Well -that's it. Unfortunately my original postings all got erased one day by accident, so I had to start using a different account, but I used to post as toughenoughforlove. I think most of February is in the Valentine’s Day – is it a massacre? thread.
Post Game Analysis What I did right: Act As IF - glass of wine, dancing in the kitchen to Tom Petty with beautiful meal prepared every night when H returned home - tried to stop reacting to his moods and just be in good mood myself.
Notes - kept index card with note in pocket - 180, act as if, do something different
Beginner's mind - let go of preconceived notions and tried to approach everything with a "why not?" attitude. This was also a 180 for me.
Validate, validate, validate - thank you Soup. Tried not to present my side but just validate what H was saying. Hardest thing I did but one of the most important.
Worked on myself - appearance, fitness, conscious living - at least other people were saying I was beautiful even when H wasn't yet! Didn't do it for H, but athletic companionship very important to him, my willingness to try new sports was something he really liked.
Loving detachment - got out of my defensive posture and let H's problems be HIS problems, not mine. Quit believing it was all about my flaws. Realized I could not control what he did, could only control my actions.
Act, don't react - tried to break cycle of reacting without conscious thinking first.
Emotional aikido - when I finally stopped fighting H on the separation is when he started to rethink it.
Sex - in this situation I refused to let our sex life die. May not work in every sitch but was important factor in ours.
Focused on baby steps.
WHAT I DID WRONG: Too much pursuing in the beginning. Fought the separation in the beginning - didn't respect H's need for space. Started to get into a little competitive space last week about the OW when I was getting impatient about the email; H really needs to see me as better than her and she is not worth my energy. Worried too much about things that never ended up happening - don't borrow trouble.
BOOKS THAT HELPED DR The Five Love Languages by Chapman A Year of Living Consciously by Gay Hendricks
ADVANTAGES I HAD Coincidental return to physical health at just the right time. H willing to see psych finally for his depression and start Prozac. H finally having insight into his own issues and able to see it wasn't about my imperfections. This board and its incredible support. Affair was already "theoretically" over when I discovered it. OW had moved out of town before I discovered A. H is basically a good guy whose needs weren't being met and had a crisis because of it. H's friends supported me and pushed H in right direction. I found Michele's book right before the bomb dropped. H lucked in to a pro-marriage individual counselor.
I mention these last things only so that those of you whose situations are not turning around as quickly will see that I had a lot of fortunate coincidences on my side. Patience and Discipline needs to be your motto.
Good luck to everyone!
Ellie
Postscript - Jan 2004 discover D13 has developed anorexia and bulimia. Applying all my DB skills to dealing with her illness.
PPS - September 2004 - D13 has started high school and is in recovery from her eating disorder, doing very well.
PPS - January 2005 - D continues well in recovery, despite a few bumps in the road. H and I continuing to do well.
That is such a great story!!! We were just in need of having some encouraging success stories!
Yes, you had some major advantages on your side. Especially the one where OW was basically already out of the picture. Unfortunately, in my case I was on to things basically from the beginning. So OW is still in the picture. In fact he moved in w/ her. However, lately it seems like he is rethinking things. Yes, I do believe the intimacy issue is another huge factor on our sides. Mine started to be intimate w/ me again and it seems to be working in my favor.
It is so nice to see someones success story. Especially to see that things are doing so well 3 yrs down the road.
Okay - now that the summary is done - on to my latest puzzle:
Went camping in the desert with kids and H this weekend. Really nice. Friend took a nice picture of H and I while we were hiking, and said he'd email it to H. H told him his home email address, then said "or you can send it to H'sname@hotmail.com". H then made a comment to me about how his name was still available (H had used a hotmail account like this before when we were travelling out of the country.)
So, of course, the snoop in me wonders why H revived this email account (H's emails at home go to his laptop, so I don't see them anyway, and he always has his work email too). Not really suspicious - after all, H didn't seem to be hiding anything from me - just curious. So, in a moment of snooping, I go to his email account - which I find he has set up with the same "family" password that I use, so obviously he didn't set it up for any nefarious purposes. I check his emails and - there are exactly 3 - one from Hotmail itself, and two opened emails which are German-language ads - one apparently for face cream and hair remover, the other I haven't translated yet (my German's a little rusty ).
The two German emails are clearly spam or advertising from someplace that you might have ordered something - but what would my H be doing on a German language website in the first place? He speaks Dutch, but not German. He didn't order anything exotic for Christmas.
Let me make it clear - I do NOT suspect my H of anything bad - he never would have set up the account with "my" password if he had bad intentions, nor would he have mentioned it to me. Just trying to imagine the source of the German spam - which I can hardly ask him about now, without revealing myself to be a snoop!
On other fronts - H has gotten himself a little too busy lately and is feeling the strain (he accepts too many invitations and starts too many projects, then wonders why he doesn't have any time to relax!). Also, somehow my S13's Xmas present has turned into a major house remodel.
How does that happen, you ask? It's simple. We buy S13 a large, used fish tank and stand for Xmas so he can pursue his dream of setting up a saltwater reef tank. Despite my arguing for one of moderate size, we end up with a 90 gallon tank so S13 can pursue his ultimate goal of keeping a mandarin fish, which apparently needs tons of real estate in order to be happy.
Now - a tank opf such size would be nearly impossible to move once it is set up - and the carpet in the boys bedroom is quite old and in need of replacing - so obviously it makes sense to replace it BEFORE we set the tank up, right? And if we are going to replace the carpet in their room, we ought to do D14's room and our bathroom, since they are the only three rooms in the house with carpet, and it is all matching and very old. And if we're going to replace the carpets in those rooms, shouldn't we repaint them first, since they are in need of repainting, and it's much easier to paint (especially the ceiling) when you don't have to worry about spills on the carpet because you'll be removing it? And if we're recarpeting the bathroom, first we will have to deal with the squishy spot in the floor where there has been water damage.
Now mind you - all of this has been set in motion while H has work obligations or travel plans in place for almost every weekend from now until the end of April! So guess who will be busy painting and coordinating - yup, me - all the while H is bugging me to get a job outside the home.
Moral of the story? Don't buy a fishtank bigger than a breadbox!!!!
Quote: So guess who will be busy painting and coordinating - yup, me - all the while H is bugging me to get a job outside the home.
Is this so you can contribute to the family income, or some other reason? When are you going to look for work? Has your H been OK about you staying at home these last few months/years?
Looks like you'll be kept busy the following few months. I managed to get a box of picture hook thingies today so I can put up some pictures... my snail like move in the direction of doing things around the house!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: Is this so you can contribute to the family income, or some other reason? When are you going to look for work? Has your H been OK about you staying at home these last few months/years?
Ostensibly, it's so we can pay for upcoming college expenses in the next few years (S18 goes to college in the fall) although we could easily afford the first one on H's salary if H would rein in his spending a bit. The REAL reason is H married a professional woman and is just uncomfortable with me being home - plus, he's feeling pressured by things at work, and would like to have my income to fall back on should he decide to make a career change.
The flip side, of course, is that he still wants me to be available to travel with him (he's making plans for a two to three week vacation this summer - wondering what kind of job he thinks will let me off for that long a time period after I've just begun?) - and be home for the kids in the afternoon - and still run the household and keep things together at home so he can play on his weekends off and not have to do laundry etc.
My quandary? Truthfully, I DO want to go back to work, because as good as things are with us now, I don't EVER want to feel financially vulnerable again, and frankly, I never will know when his depression might send him off the deep end again. I was off work the first couple of years because of my thyroid problems, then the year of H's affair happened just as I was getting ready to look for work, and it really took all my energies to get our marriage back on track. Then, just as I was getting ready to look again for work, my D's eating disorder hit, and thankfully I was free to do the 24/7 monitoring for 6 months that needed to be done.
Now, of course, I'm left with a pretty big hole in my resume - I'll have to figure out how to work around that. But really, my bigger problem is figuring out what I want. I used to work in a busy urgent care center, but I really don't want to return to that busy, pressured environment - plus I've found that one legacy of my thyroid problems is that I just don't multi-task very well anymore. And the malpractice environment in the US is such that even a really good doctor (and I will say, I am REALLY good) gets sued anyway, and malpractice suits are stressful, even when you win them. Urgent care is particularly prone to this, because you see so many new patients.
So what would I like to be doing? Patient education is really my passion. I'd love to be a medical "coach" who answers people's health questions and points them in the right directions to get their problems solved - just can't figure out how and if people will pay for such a service. It would be great to do it online, then I could travel with h and still work, and arrange my hours to suit.
I could see myself working with the medical aspects of eating disorder patients - on an outpatient basis - but that would require that I be available on a consistent basis - not really compatible with my goals to be home for the kids in the afternoons and available for travel with my H.
I would love to work with thyroid patients.
I could see myself going to work for one of the new companies that will be offering genetic testing direct to the public (I have a real interest in genetics and disease) - but such a job would likely require a full-time commitment, and travel, and possibly relocation - not an option.
AND I have some books I want to write - especially one on eating disorders, and one on self-diagnosis - but I must admit, my progress on it has been slow, and H is not willing to wait on such an uncertain source of income.
And the cost of malpractice insurance is such that starting a private practice of any sort, if planning to only work half-time, is not really economically viable.
Hmmmmm....I guess what I'm saying here is, I really want to do something I love, I really need it to be flexible, and ideally it would be lucrative, so that H will feel more free to change his work situation if he becomes more unhappy with it.
Hi Ellie! Thanks for the recap, especially for the lists of what worked, what didn't, etc. A great reminder.
I think you should have little trouble finding web sites that already do what you're proposing - give medical consultations - and find employment there? You could be available by e-mail throughout the day, no? You could also explore writing a daily or weekly column, though "lucrative" would have to be scratched off the list.
In my recent bout of neck-itis, I realized that what got me there in the first place was a paralysis about whoat to do about it, who to call (i.e., what type of doctor). My health care plan (UHC) had no help for me whatsoever on its web site, and as a result, I didn't get the help I needed in time to circumvent the acute situation I found myself in. Maybe you could contact insurance companies and propose some type of consultation for their insureds (assuming they give a rat's *ss)?
Yes, great re-cap, Ellie. On the career thing, of course there are advantages for you and the family to your finding work that suits you. Of course as well, it's irritating to realize that the household stuff that is a big part of your life now somehow doesn't qualify as "real" work to most people, including on some level to all of us and certainly our H's. When my H had the kids for two weeks recently I think that was a little shock; and he didn't even do half the stuff I do, like doctor appointments and coordinating schedules, playdates, etc. etc., just the basics with help from his mom, his friend, and Winter Camp.
Anyway, I keep re-reading your "what I did right/wrong" section for inspiration.
Quote: I think you should have little trouble finding web sites that already do what you're proposing - give medical consultations - and find employment there? You could be available by e-mail throughout the day, no?
Well, actually, I've only found a couple of sites (ecureme.com and askadoctor.com). I will contact them (actually I contacted a similar site a couple years ago but they weren't hiring). Unfortunately, many such sites are prescription mills - dispensing prescriptions for Viagra and the like over the internet - and the AMA and governmental agencies have been on the warpath against internet prescribing, so their future is pretty muddy.
A site like that should have the advantage of their own umbrella malpractice coverage, though, which would be good. I've thought of setting up my own site as a medical "coach", much likea life coach, but I do still have concerns about malpractice coverage there. Coaching associations now offer liability policies, but I suspect I would need more coverage, especially if anything I say is construed as medical advice or practicing medicine. I suppose I need to talk to the insurers directly to find out what coverage they would recommend and what it would cost.
I've looked and really can't find any physicians doing quite the same thing online. There is one guy who is basically a life coach for other physicians.And some physicians with bricks and mortar practices also do online consultations, but I haven't yet found anyone doing what I envision.
Does feel that way at times, doesn't it?