Jennifer--This is going to be quick, as D8 picked her nose and I now have a mother of all bloody messes on my upstairs carpet (literally, not the British form of cursing).

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Please, if anyone has any thoughts about how to handle this for the next few days, and then while I'm gone, post away.



Jennifer, the one good thing about traveling is that we can expect to be incommunicado with our loved ones as we are off doing other things. I found myself in pretty much the same predicament as you are in about 6 months before Mr. W. left. We got in a huge fight, and I felt the need to get out of town and hopped a flight to somewhere I'd never been (Seattle) and used the chance to clear my head.

Now that I've had input and insight on this trip and what was leading up to it, Mr. W. was really scared when I took off. He was really afraid that I was going to return home to tell him I was moving out. You know what? It was definitely on my mind. And though I said nothing, I know he sensed I was reaching the very edge of my boundaries with him.

Oddly enough, it was on this trip where I figured out that leaving was not the answer. I didn't know what the answer was, but after 12 years of marriage, I knew enough to come back and hope that we could fix things.

I don't know what your outcome will be or should be. I suspect you know in your heart. Use your time to plan for the trip to agree not to make any decisions until you are firmly out of town and otherwise occupied. Then feel free to explore what is in your heart and examine your motives.

I won't say I haven't wondered when you were going to mull these questions over. From what you've posted since Day 1 and from what I've sensed between the lines, you seem like a savvy and intelligent woman. A woman with class and finesse and dreams and high hopes for something that is not elusive or a pipe dream. You offer wise and witty counsel here. And you've proven to be a good friend to many folks--on and off the BB. All these things seem consistent in your life. Except for your dealings with one person: S. He seems to bring out the crazy in you.

And while SD can wield the frying pan and roll of duct tape with you (because she sends goodies in boxes to your doorstep ), I don't want to be that person. Not that I couldn't be. But you have enough on your plate right now.

I know this weighs heavily on your mind. I'm glad you're considering it to the depth that you are.

(And for the record, I really wish you were here to offer the same advice to my colleague who is marrying the guy she's been living with for a few years now. He's no S by any stretch. She's a fellow NYer with some huge abandonment issues and I really am finding her decision to overlook some horrible truths disconcerting. I think she would benefit from your wise counsel. But you're not here. And I'm stuck with my feelings about it.)

There comes a time when we all need to ask ourselves if the people we are with (friends and lovers) are good for us. If we've learned what it is we're supposed to learn. But it requires the level of honesty you are willing to invest.

I just think you need to take a break from the decision and all it entails until you can take a deep breath and figure this out.

No communication for a few days does not sign the death knell of any R, sweetie. You've found that to be true for the rest of us here, right? Well, it's not going to make or break your R with S either.

For the record, I'll say here that I'm with you 100% on how he chose to handle this whole conversation. For most of us, I would ask you right away if your reaction is what is preventing him from being honest with you. But I'm not going to say that, Jennifer. Because the fact is, he continues to give you reason to doubt his integrity. And any spouse/partner worth their salt would go out of his or her way to make sure the one that they love isn't hurt by their decisions. They also attempt to learn from the mistakes in the past and take great caution in not recreating them in the future. I know this is true for you. But is this true for him?

I don't see you as being unreasonable about this one at all.

So hop your plane and see if things seem different for you wherever you're headed.

Big hugs, Jennifer.

Betsey

"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein