Hi, guys - thanks, SD and Merrick, for such considered support. I am in need of some coaching, some reality checks, and some good old-fashioned unconditional support. I'm feeling pretty low right now.
I haven't see or spoken to S. since Monday morning, when he left the apartment after he got up. I had gotten up around 6 (woke up at 5 and couldn't sleep), and was in my study working when he finally got up at 8:45. He came into the study, kissed my forehead, and said "I'm sorry I handled things so poorly last night, and I'm sorry I lied to you." I said, "Thank you," and sat there for a moment while he squeezed my shoulders before I quietly said, "I really can't talk about this right now. I have a lot of work to do before my meeting at 10," and he pretty much said OK and bolted.
No word from him the rest of the day yesterday. Today, I went out for a meeting first thing in the morning, and got home around 2. Around 4:45, I was sitting up in my study working and firing e-mails back and forth with H2H, when I heard a key in the lock and the door open, then the lock again (two floors down - I live in an echo-y old townhouse). I heard no one enter, so after a minute I said "Hello?" no answer. I went downstairs, and lo and behold Mr. S. had received a package for me while I was gone, and brought it over and left it just inside the door. There was a slight chance it was my downstairs neighbor, but I called her and it was not. So S. had come by, left the package (of tasty treats from SD, by the way ), and left without a word.
After a bit of waffling, I called him to ask if he had been here, but it was about 10 minutes after he came over, and his phone rang once and then went to VM. I am ASSuming here, but I ASSume he was headed toward the subway when he dropped the package, and by the time I called he was already getting underground. 4:45 would have been around the time he'd leave to meet this woman after work. Today was supposed to have been the day.
So, I don't know anything. His style, often, is to "give" me space when we have conflict. He may be doing that, out of some misguided thinking that that's what I want. He may be scared to death of calling me. He may be sick of the drama and is saying screw it. I don't know. And I'm trying not to think about it.
I don't think I can be the one to call. I usually am, and I just don't think I can do it this time, especially in light of his long-term pattern of passivity and my feeling that he keeps choosing himself over the R. Merrick, in a nod to your own thoughts on marital commitment, if he were my H, I would chase him down. But he isn't, and the words "He's just not that into you" are becoming louder in my ears by the day.
Quote: Can you get to that calm, compassionate, nonjudgemental place to ask him what it means in his book?
If the time comes, I think I can talk about this in a rational manner. I may never get the chance.
Merrick, I hear what you're saying, and while your religious views don't quite resonate with my own set of beliefs, underneath it all we're both hacking at the same stump. I want to be in a R where my partner and I choose each other. I want to be in a R where my partner and I support each other and don't compete with each other. I want to be in a R where I don't wonder if my partner is telling me the truth all the time. A place of mutual respect and trust, happiness and FREEDOM.
I'm too low to come up with any better or more specific goals than that. My one short-term goal is to get through the evening, get some work done, get through tomorrow, get more work and some errands done, and get some sleep before I have to get up at the Tony Orlando of Dawn to catch my plane on Thursday. And if he happens to call, I hope to be able to summon my most mature qualities and deflect any R talks until I get back.
Please, if anyone has any thoughts about how to handle this for the next few days, and then while I'm gone, post away.
), and left without a word. 
Jennifer
