I figured it was time for a little (well, when I started typing this, it was little!) update, as well as a few mullings over past conversations. Things have been going so well lately that I’ve almost forgotten the intensity and seriousness of the last few weeks… which is good and bad, of course, in that things CAN go really well in the face of all that agonizing, but then forgetting might lead to more of the same.
Today, my head’s a little foggy. Last night, S. cooked dinner for me (third night in a row!) and I was in an incredible mood, flirting and laughing and pinching his fanny every chance I got. He was clearly loving it, giggling like a schoolgirl and reciprocating (Note to self: Flirting works!). After we did the dishes and got heaping bowls of ice cream to take to bed with us, we settled down (in full snuggle mode) to watch a movie. He said he hadn’t seen me smile so much in a long time, and wondered what was “up.”
We watched “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” and it devastated me! I could not stop bawling, even after it was over. Now, I’m a crier, but I usually cry only at the sad parts, NOT go on sobbing after a movie’s over, but I was racked with sobs for a full 20 minutes or so after it was done. Only three movies have ever made me cry like that: “The Hours,” “Edward Scissorhands” (bizarre, huh?), and the above. Not to mention, I usually avoid both Jim Carrey AND Kate Winslet (and for that matter, Elijah Wood), but aside from some really hokey parts, this movie really got me.
S. was really sweet and just held me tightly and stroked my hair while I cried. Usually when I'm crying because of us, he can't bring himself to come near me, so it was good to see him give like that. He was also very affectionate during the movie (much more so than usual).
This morning I got some great attention, lots of snuggles and little kisses, and so I bounded out of bed with a big smile this morning (puffy eyes and splitting headache notwithstanding). S. made breakfast, and I did the dishes and quickly left after a nice hug and kiss.
Our ML quotient has soared lately, as well, after I’d become concerned that we haven’t been very often, and we are usually quite prolific in that department. As H2H said to me, "I'm glad the cows came home."
The other day, he came over after being out to an early dinner with a friend, and I beat him to the punch and started asking him about his schedule. He is about to embark on a major house renovation project for which he has had to evict all three tenants in his house (he has a four-family townhouse), and he is really overwhelmed with all the things he has to do and all the arrangements he has to make. Usually, he is the organizer and I’m the chaos, and so I decided to reverse roles and made him talk everything out while I made a chart for him with his projects prioritized and arranged by time frames. He was thankful and asked if I “felt closer” to him after that conversation. I was glad he asked, because I had let some impatience creep in at the s-l-o-w pace at which he has been moving on this stuff, and I was able to say so, and that I regretted it, because I didn’t really understand what all was involved.
Last week I said we’d had a conversation about our R (a serious one), and that I had some mulling over to do before I posted it. I have forgotten a lot of the back-and-forth, but here are the main pieces of information I gleaned:
1. He feels I can be and frequently am “strained and formal,” whereas with his (mostly 20-something F) friends, he can be “childlike and innocent.” This is what keeps him from fully integrating me with them, because he doesn’t want to introduce strained and formal into his repertoire with his friends. 2. He never said he “couldn’t” give me affection in the morning, but he needs a LOT more feedback when he does, or else he gives up immediately thinking that I’m asleep or I don’t want to be touched. (I’ve told him a million times that I don’t care if I’m half-asleep, I ALWAYS want to be touched, but that has never sunk in.) He said that “reaching out” to me in the morning, when he’s half asleep and groggy, even though he may seem distracted and distant, is one of the “most intimate things” he can possibly do.
#1 really stung, because that is the EXACT vocabulary he used to describe the first time Swiss Miss and he got together physically and emotionally (after having been friends for years). He said they’d been to the beach, and they “played in the surf, and it was childlike and innocent.” ~~* Don’t get me wrong… I’m listening, and hard! I know exactly what all this means.
#2 I was pretty surprised to hear, because he has for so long maintained that if he “just wasn’t feeling it,” then he “just couldn’t do it.” My argument to that had always been Gary Chapman’s from 5LL (“Do you have two arms? Can you put them together?”), but of course that feels miserly, and it’s not what I’m looking for, either. SO I’ve made sure to respond, even when I just want to lie there and receive every once in a bloomin’ while, and boy has it reaped great rewards.
We have talked a lot about schedules in the last week, and I’m beginning to see that S’s need for ME to have a schedule is something I can oblige him with, at least to a point, and just get over it. Sure, I can agree to a time in the morning that I go to “work,” even if it just means leaving him to his work (which, by the way, he calls EVERYthing work) and going home to read or go grocery shopping.
I’ve gotten long here, so I’ll close.
Betsey, nice to see you! I don’t know about house calls, but I’m sure something can be arranged! I’m sorry things were yucky over at yours this last weekend. I hope you find a sitter so you can take care of YOU. ‘Cause we need you ‘round here!
I avoided Eternal Sunshine for a while because I had a feeling... but I did really like it anyway. I'm stumped about Edward Scissorhands, though! LOL
Speaking of cows, last summer my neighbor's cows got out and were all over my yard, poking at the house. I had cow noseprints on the siding and windows. It's pretty freaky to look out the window and see a big old cow head looking back at you. But, that's probably not what H2H was talking about.
[Apologies to H2H for lifting entire paragraphs from previously published material! ]
Last night S. called when he got home from work, and basically, just called to say good-night, because he didn’t feel like coming over here (5 out of 6 nights I sleep at his place). He asked if I wanted to come over to watch a movie, but I wanted to stay here, because my cat doesn’t know me anymore, and I think he should make an effort to come over here more. So I said he could come watch a movie over here, but that I wanted to stay home. He declined.
He asked if that “bothered” me, and I said (not employing my best DB princliples, but nonetheless being straightforward and non-pouty) “No, it doesn’t bother me that you just want to be home and that you’re tired, I understand that. It does bother me, though, that you don’t seem to make much of an effort to come over here, and I come over to your house all the time.” He said (hopefully), “Well, I’ve slept over at your house some lately, haven’t I?” and I said, “Yes, two or three times in the last couple of weeks.” He said “OK, we can talk about that. Tonight I just want to get into bed and watch a movie.” and I said “OK” (again, non-pouty).
Positive: Then, he asked me what my day was like tomorrow, and I said “I thought I was going to have a meeting in Manhattan, but it looks like it fell through, and so I’ll be home again.” He said “So you’ll be home all day.” and I said “Yeah, that’s pretty much my lot in life these days.” [meaning, even as a freelancer, I was going into an office a few times a week up until December, and now I'm exclusively at home working] and he said “Yeah, I want to talk to you about that, you’re home an awful lot, you must be getting sick of it.” and I said “Yeah, I’m home all the time now...” (hoping he was going to say we should go out and do things more) and he just validated and said we could talk about that later too. So we said good-night, and I tried hard to be cheerful (though I knew he could probably tell I was faking it).
I was disappointed, because I thought that we had some great momentum, and I felt a little deflated. I know I could have let it stop the momentum, or I could have just taken it in stride and let the momentum continue, and I was trying desperately to choose B. So, I curled up with my David Bach, a strange bedfellow, indeed, and drifted off to sleep around 11:30.
BIG positive: Around midnight, as I was dreaming about money stuck between my teeth (OK Freudians, what the heck does THAT mean?!), a handsome stranger appeared in my room and slid into bed, giving me the tightest snuggles and hugs I've had in a long time. I was sleepy, but I validated my little heart out and said how sweet it was of him to come over, how thoughtful, etc. etc. He squeezed the life out of me for another half hour before we finally fell asleep again. It was VERY sweet. Of course, I paid the piper this morning when he leapt out of bed without so much as a hug, but I was able to draw on the reserves in the tank (y'all hear that? ) and give a big smile as he left and wish him a great day.
I'm still mulling over the "childlike and innocent" stuff. Wow - I've always been thought of by my friends as drily funny and dorky and fun, at least some of the time, and to hear I am "strained and formal" was a real blow. I know, however, that strained and formal is the image I cultivate when I feel threatened, like at parties (social anxiety), and it doesn't surprise me that after all S. and I have been through, strained and formal is what he's getting. I did note, however, that in my silliest of moods the other night (after a few days of having my love tank filled, I must have felt more relaxed and happy), I was childlike and innocent (OK, maybe just childlike - I did get in a few good fanny pinches), all of my own accord, and we had a great time. He asked what was "up," I should have said something positive about the R, but I said "I'm just in a good mood!"
Still kicking and screaming my way to a better me...
Quote: He feels I can be and frequently am “strained and formal,” whereas with his (mostly 20-something F) friends, he can be “childlike and innocent.” This is what keeps him from fully integrating me with them, because he doesn’t want to introduce strained and formal into his repertoire with his friends.
You know what I think? This is just so much alien BS. In future years he will deny ever having said this to you.
For "childlike and innocent" just substitute "immature and irresponsible" as in "I don't want to grow up, and being with a woman who is a full adult makes me nervous".
Honestly - if I thought you were a stick-in-the-mud, I would call you on it, because all our WASs need us to be more playful and relaxed. But seriously - this is HIS problem, not yours.
Hey - don't you like the part where you told him (calmly) your needs - that you would like him to spend more time at your place - and how he heard you and decided to come over later and meet that need? It's amazing the power of simply stating what you want without all the attached drama of insisting they must meet your request.
Well, Ellie, to be fair, I do wear the stone-cold mask from time to time to hide my insecurities, and I can really clam up (and I mean, I can barely speak) when placed in threatening social situations (which are many to me - I'm quite anxious socially). I also have an acute aversion to saying anything at all when I think the conversation is all about stating the obvious, and instead of just making easy conversation I can appear "strained and formal," like I'm "above" the conversation or that I have nothing to say. It's something I've been working on with my T in the context of my social anxiety (and perfectionism and self-judgment).
I agree that "immature and irresponsible" are definitely in his repertoire, so I don't dispute that part of this is HIS problem. But I wanted to clarify that I can be a bear to talk to at parties and in other social mixes, when I'm feeling most vulnerable and looking most cool and unapproachable.
Stubborn, I just downed about 10 cherries (the delicious frozen organic ones I get at the coop) that were floating in my seltzer water, and wouldn't you know, every single one of 'em was askew!
UPDATE from back at the ranch: I e-mailed S. a little note today - a little inside joke about how EVERYthing I talk about that I want to do/make stylewise (decorating or clothes) appears in the New York Times a month or less later. The latest was that I was going on and on about a month ago about how for years I've wanted to do groupings of chandeliers of different styles, and just LAST WEEK was telling him that I found a place in a nearby neighborhood that has fabulous chandeliers for not very much money, and lo and behold, the Home and Garden section comes out with an article about how trendy chandeliers are becoming. This is about the 10th time this has happened in the last three years.
So anyway, I e-mailed him a one-liner with a link to the article, fully expecting to be ignored - the usual when I send things to him at work - and about 30 minutes later, a sweet little note popped up in my inbox!
Ah, that love tank is fillin' up (with cockeyed cherries). Can I say right here (in case of selective memory later) that he really, really is making an effort these days? Remarkably, I don't need the proof of pain this week to see it. It ain't perfect, and sometimes the cherries are askew, but hey... I can certainly work harder, too. I'm going to spend some time thinking about how I can build on the recent positives.
Quote: I also have an acute aversion to saying anything at all when I think the conversation is all about stating the obvious, and instead of just making easy conversation I can appear "strained and formal," like I'm "above" the conversation or that I have nothing to say. It's something I've been working on with my T in the context of my social anxiety (and perfectionism and self-judgment).
It's good that you're working on what's yours, but be careful about taking too much to heart. I'd guess that S's "strained and formal" accusation is something of an exaggeration. He has his view, but it is one person's view, not "reality," whatever that is.
All in all you have been bringing good news 'round here lately. To build on the recent positives, how about "keep doing what's working?"
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Quote: Ah, that love tank is fillin' up (with cockeyed cherries). Can I say right here (in case of selective memory later) that he really, really is making an effort these days?
Wow. This is so weird. It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers, only backwards. Is this the real you or the pod person?
Thanks, guys, for stopping in. But not so fast, SD.
Things have been a struggle this week, but we've had some good moments. One good moment was on Friday night, H2H and I went out for dinner, then met S. for a movie afterward. So S. has been outed to a fellow DBer.
Now, the bad news. Last night S. came over to talk about our schedules for this week, and I went over mine. When his turn came, he "might be going out on Tuesday with a woman he met at the coop a few years ago." Alarm bells started going off. "What woman?" I asked. He said he'd run into her at the coop last week, and that he hadn't seen her in a few years, and they were going to "catch up." He said he used to work with her there (we're members of a food coop where we work a shift every four weeks), and that he'd had some "good conversations with her." At this point my alarm bells were clanging hard.
I asked him who she was, and he started telling me little bits of info like "Her name is [name], and she moved here from Montana," and I realized immediately that it was this woman he fell head over heels for in the very beginning of our R, who he took out on a few dates, whom he broke up with me (the first time) over, and that he'd completely forgotten that he'd told me about her!
I cut him off and said "OH MY GOD, S., THIS IS THAT WOMAN YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH!" with utter incredulity, and he just stared at me, totally busted, having no idea, I'm sure, how I knew that (how STUPID is that? He told me about her in detail)... and so of course a conversation ensued about WHY he lied to me, what it meant to him to see her (they are both in Rs now, and she wasn't interested in him in the first place)... My heart was pounding, and I was furious at the lie.
I can't go into it now, because I will explode, but here are some disjointed thoughts
1. He feels TERRIBLE for lying (waaah) 2. Seeing her means nothing to him other than catching up with someone he likes, he just didn't want to tell me the truth because he thought I'd make more of it than it is 3. He's "made his peace" with the situation with her (she broke his heart) 4. He hates "cutting people out of his life" and sees no need for it (a nod to Swiss Miss) 5. He was planning to go out for dinner with this woman, which is SORE for me because he is always harping about eating at home and saving money, and last week he took his ex-GF out for dinner (she's a good friend), and now he's going to meet this woman? How about meeting her for tea, in the daytime? 6. I started to cry (not because of HER, but because he LIED, and really out of anger and frustration than pain), I asked him WHY he lied, and he said "Because of this," meaning because of my pain. I told him truthfully that I was sorry he didn't feel like he could talk to me about things like that ("I'm sorry, too," he said), but to choose lying over discomfort was "incredibly disrespectful to me, and made me feel like a fool." ("I'm sorry, Jennifer," he said). 7. I talked a lot about our HUGE trust issue and why he would risk jeopardizing the progress we'd made in that area to see this woman. 8. I asked if there was "nothing," and he hadn't even remembered telling me about her, why he felt compelled to lie. No answer.
UGH. I woke up at 5 and couldn't get back to sleep. I leave on Thursday morning for 10 days (thank god S. does, too, for a manly man woodworking workshop, so I don't have to worry about where he is and with whom)..., and I'm thinking of just asking for space this week (as in, not see each other) until after we come back in April, and figure out what my bottom line is here. He never said he wouldn't go out with her, so I'm curious to see what he chooses. The funny thing is, I don't even really care about the girl, but the fact that he looked me in the eye and lied so blatantly kills me, and when I started asking questions about her, he tried to make me feel crazy for the alarm bells. He said, "What's wrong? I sense this is making you feel really uncomfortable." I find it interesting, too, that I knew immediately that something was up.
There was a lot of silence from both of us and some tenderness from S. last night. I was stunned at the blatant, STUPID lie, and kept going over and over it in my head in silence. He was very anxious to know what I was thinking. I finally just got up to brush my teeth and go to bed.
He's still sleeping, but I refuse to talk about it this morning, because I have a lot of work to do and a meeting at 10:30 for which I need to be fresh.
Quote: 6. I started to cry (not because of HER, but because he LIED, and really out of anger and frustration than pain), I asked him WHY he lied, and he said "Because of this," meaning because of my pain. I told him truthfully that I was sorry he didn't feel like he could talk to me about things like that ("I'm sorry, too," he said), but to choose lying over discomfort was "incredibly disrespectful to me, and made me feel like a fool." ("I'm sorry, Jennifer," he said).
When you calm down, think about how you would like to have conversations with S about difficult subjects. If he does something boneheaded, do you want to fly off the handle and rant and rave and lecture and cry? Or do you want to discuss it calmly and lovingly, from a place where you can listen to each other's feelings? What can you do to promote understanding and connection between you? I'm thinking that when these things hit, it might be best for you to take a time out and take a walk (or twenty) around the block. Do not have the discussion with S until you are as ready to listen as to speak, and until you've let go of the idea that he is WRONG and you are right.
You get to have boundaries and limits, but beating him over the head with them isn't respectful or productive.
Quote: 7. I talked a lot about our HUGE trust issue...
This is a bigger issue than some of those other skewed cherries. However, I get the impression that S listens to very frequent dramatic recitals about HUGE issues. If it were me, I'd be rather desensitized to that by now and write it off. How is S to distinguish between all those skewed cherries and what is really important?
Keep in mind that you aren't going to agree on everything. S may not be willing to cut off contact with former GFs. You can be very disappointed, but it's his choice to make. That should be respected, not belittled. If that is ultimately unacceptable to you, that is fine, but S doesn't have to be labeled as wrong. The way to maintain your boundaries is to control your behavior, not S's.
I suspect that if you can approach tough issues with that level of maturity, S will also be much more likely to respond positively.
As H2H said to me, "I'm glad the cows came home." 
~~* Don’t get me wrong… I’m listening, and hard! I know exactly what all this means.
]
It's amazing the power of simply stating what you want without all the attached drama of insisting they must meet your request.
