Well, Ellie, to be fair, I do wear the stone-cold mask from time to time to hide my insecurities, and I can really clam up (and I mean, I can barely speak) when placed in threatening social situations (which are many to me - I'm quite anxious socially). I also have an acute aversion to saying anything at all when I think the conversation is all about stating the obvious, and instead of just making easy conversation I can appear "strained and formal," like I'm "above" the conversation or that I have nothing to say. It's something I've been working on with my T in the context of my social anxiety (and perfectionism and self-judgment).
I agree that "immature and irresponsible" are definitely in his repertoire, so I don't dispute that part of this is HIS problem. But I wanted to clarify that I can be a bear to talk to at parties and in other social mixes, when I'm feeling most vulnerable and looking most cool and unapproachable.
Stubborn, I just downed about 10 cherries (the delicious frozen organic ones I get at the coop) that were floating in my seltzer water, and wouldn't you know, every single one of 'em was askew!
UPDATE from back at the ranch: I e-mailed S. a little note today - a little inside joke about how EVERYthing I talk about that I want to do/make stylewise (decorating or clothes) appears in the New York Times a month or less later. The latest was that I was going on and on about a month ago about how for years I've wanted to do groupings of chandeliers of different styles, and just LAST WEEK was telling him that I found a place in a nearby neighborhood that has fabulous chandeliers for not very much money, and lo and behold, the Home and Garden section comes out with an article about how trendy chandeliers are becoming. This is about the 10th time this has happened in the last three years.
So anyway, I e-mailed him a one-liner with a link to the article, fully expecting to be ignored - the usual when I send things to him at work - and about 30 minutes later, a sweet little note popped up in my inbox!
Ah, that love tank is fillin' up (with cockeyed cherries). Can I say right here (in case of selective memory later) that he really, really is making an effort these days? Remarkably, I don't need the proof of pain this week to see it. It ain't perfect, and sometimes the cherries are askew, but hey... I can certainly work harder, too. I'm going to spend some time thinking about how I can build on the recent positives.
J
