[Apologies to H2H for lifting entire paragraphs from previously published material! ]
Last night S. called when he got home from work, and basically, just called to say good-night, because he didn’t feel like coming over here (5 out of 6 nights I sleep at his place). He asked if I wanted to come over to watch a movie, but I wanted to stay here, because my cat doesn’t know me anymore, and I think he should make an effort to come over here more. So I said he could come watch a movie over here, but that I wanted to stay home. He declined.
He asked if that “bothered” me, and I said (not employing my best DB princliples, but nonetheless being straightforward and non-pouty) “No, it doesn’t bother me that you just want to be home and that you’re tired, I understand that. It does bother me, though, that you don’t seem to make much of an effort to come over here, and I come over to your house all the time.” He said (hopefully), “Well, I’ve slept over at your house some lately, haven’t I?” and I said, “Yes, two or three times in the last couple of weeks.” He said “OK, we can talk about that. Tonight I just want to get into bed and watch a movie.” and I said “OK” (again, non-pouty).
Positive: Then, he asked me what my day was like tomorrow, and I said “I thought I was going to have a meeting in Manhattan, but it looks like it fell through, and so I’ll be home again.” He said “So you’ll be home all day.” and I said “Yeah, that’s pretty much my lot in life these days.” [meaning, even as a freelancer, I was going into an office a few times a week up until December, and now I'm exclusively at home working] and he said “Yeah, I want to talk to you about that, you’re home an awful lot, you must be getting sick of it.” and I said “Yeah, I’m home all the time now...” (hoping he was going to say we should go out and do things more) and he just validated and said we could talk about that later too. So we said good-night, and I tried hard to be cheerful (though I knew he could probably tell I was faking it).
I was disappointed, because I thought that we had some great momentum, and I felt a little deflated. I know I could have let it stop the momentum, or I could have just taken it in stride and let the momentum continue, and I was trying desperately to choose B. So, I curled up with my David Bach, a strange bedfellow, indeed, and drifted off to sleep around 11:30.
BIG positive: Around midnight, as I was dreaming about money stuck between my teeth (OK Freudians, what the heck does THAT mean?!), a handsome stranger appeared in my room and slid into bed, giving me the tightest snuggles and hugs I've had in a long time. I was sleepy, but I validated my little heart out and said how sweet it was of him to come over, how thoughtful, etc. etc. He squeezed the life out of me for another half hour before we finally fell asleep again. It was VERY sweet. Of course, I paid the piper this morning when he leapt out of bed without so much as a hug, but I was able to draw on the reserves in the tank (y'all hear that? ) and give a big smile as he left and wish him a great day.
I'm still mulling over the "childlike and innocent" stuff. Wow - I've always been thought of by my friends as drily funny and dorky and fun, at least some of the time, and to hear I am "strained and formal" was a real blow. I know, however, that strained and formal is the image I cultivate when I feel threatened, like at parties (social anxiety), and it doesn't surprise me that after all S. and I have been through, strained and formal is what he's getting. I did note, however, that in my silliest of moods the other night (after a few days of having my love tank filled, I must have felt more relaxed and happy), I was childlike and innocent (OK, maybe just childlike - I did get in a few good fanny pinches), all of my own accord, and we had a great time. He asked what was "up," I should have said something positive about the R, but I said "I'm just in a good mood!"
Still kicking and screaming my way to a better me...
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) and give a big smile as he left and wish him a great day.
