Hi, folks,

I figured it was time for a little (well, when I started typing this, it was little!) update, as well as a few mullings over past conversations. Things have been going so well lately that I’ve almost forgotten the intensity and seriousness of the last few weeks… which is good and bad, of course, in that things CAN go really well in the face of all that agonizing, but then forgetting might lead to more of the same.

Today, my head’s a little foggy. Last night, S. cooked dinner for me (third night in a row!) and I was in an incredible mood, flirting and laughing and pinching his fanny every chance I got. He was clearly loving it, giggling like a schoolgirl and reciprocating (Note to self: Flirting works!). After we did the dishes and got heaping bowls of ice cream to take to bed with us, we settled down (in full snuggle mode) to watch a movie. He said he hadn’t seen me smile so much in a long time, and wondered what was “up.”

We watched “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” and it devastated me! I could not stop bawling, even after it was over. Now, I’m a crier, but I usually cry only at the sad parts, NOT go on sobbing after a movie’s over, but I was racked with sobs for a full 20 minutes or so after it was done. Only three movies have ever made me cry like that: “The Hours,” “Edward Scissorhands” (bizarre, huh?), and the above. Not to mention, I usually avoid both Jim Carrey AND Kate Winslet (and for that matter, Elijah Wood), but aside from some really hokey parts, this movie really got me.

S. was really sweet and just held me tightly and stroked my hair while I cried. Usually when I'm crying because of us, he can't bring himself to come near me, so it was good to see him give like that. He was also very affectionate during the movie (much more so than usual).

This morning I got some great attention, lots of snuggles and little kisses, and so I bounded out of bed with a big smile this morning (puffy eyes and splitting headache notwithstanding). S. made breakfast, and I did the dishes and quickly left after a nice hug and kiss.

Our ML quotient has soared lately, as well, after I’d become concerned that we haven’t been very often, and we are usually quite prolific in that department. As H2H said to me, "I'm glad the cows came home."

The other day, he came over after being out to an early dinner with a friend, and I beat him to the punch and started asking him about his schedule. He is about to embark on a major house renovation project for which he has had to evict all three tenants in his house (he has a four-family townhouse), and he is really overwhelmed with all the things he has to do and all the arrangements he has to make. Usually, he is the organizer and I’m the chaos, and so I decided to reverse roles and made him talk everything out while I made a chart for him with his projects prioritized and arranged by time frames. He was thankful and asked if I “felt closer” to him after that conversation. I was glad he asked, because I had let some impatience creep in at the s-l-o-w pace at which he has been moving on this stuff, and I was able to say so, and that I regretted it, because I didn’t really understand what all was involved.

Last week I said we’d had a conversation about our R (a serious one), and that I had some mulling over to do before I posted it. I have forgotten a lot of the back-and-forth, but here are the main pieces of information I gleaned:

1. He feels I can be and frequently am “strained and formal,” whereas with his (mostly 20-something F) friends, he can be “childlike and innocent.” This is what keeps him from fully integrating me with them, because he doesn’t want to introduce strained and formal into his repertoire with his friends.
2. He never said he “couldn’t” give me affection in the morning, but he needs a LOT more feedback when he does, or else he gives up immediately thinking that I’m asleep or I don’t want to be touched. (I’ve told him a million times that I don’t care if I’m half-asleep, I ALWAYS want to be touched, but that has never sunk in.) He said that “reaching out” to me in the morning, when he’s half asleep and groggy, even though he may seem distracted and distant, is one of the “most intimate things” he can possibly do.

#1 really stung, because that is the EXACT vocabulary he used to describe the first time Swiss Miss and he got together physically and emotionally (after having been friends for years). He said they’d been to the beach, and they “played in the surf, and it was childlike and innocent.” ~~* Don’t get me wrong… I’m listening, and hard! I know exactly what all this means.

#2 I was pretty surprised to hear, because he has for so long maintained that if he “just wasn’t feeling it,” then he “just couldn’t do it.” My argument to that had always been Gary Chapman’s from 5LL (“Do you have two arms? Can you put them together?”), but of course that feels miserly, and it’s not what I’m looking for, either. SO I’ve made sure to respond, even when I just want to lie there and receive every once in a bloomin’ while, and boy has it reaped great rewards.

We have talked a lot about schedules in the last week, and I’m beginning to see that S’s need for ME to have a schedule is something I can oblige him with, at least to a point, and just get over it. Sure, I can agree to a time in the morning that I go to “work,” even if it just means leaving him to his work (which, by the way, he calls EVERYthing work) and going home to read or go grocery shopping.

I’ve gotten long here, so I’ll close.

Betsey, nice to see you! I don’t know about house calls, but I’m sure something can be arranged! I’m sorry things were yucky over at yours this last weekend. I hope you find a sitter so you can take care of YOU. ‘Cause we need you ‘round here!


shameless plug for my NEWEST thread