Quote: Why is shared joy not convincing to us? Why is pain the proof?
Ohhh, SD, I had completely forgotten about that. Yowch! Yep, the proof is in the agony. Wow, yeah, OK. When I saw his pain, it was a revelation, but I also had a real sinking feeling. Although on the surface I wasn’t aware that I was realizing it, something deep down was dismayed to see that it took a sad breakdown to make me realize something I should have known all along.
Last night we went to a party for one of S’s 20-something FFs, and I was absolutely dreading it. Being young and inexperienced (and I don’t mean one follows from the other, I mean that this particular woman is), she has in the past dismissed our troubles with a “Just get rid of her [meaning me],” and I have been very wary of her because of this. The people I count among my closest friends support and respect my decision to stick with the R and work on it, rather than throw it out like yesterday’s wilted lettuce. We all know how important it is to surround ourselves with people who support M and LTR, and more important, our decisions to go the hard route rather than giving up.
So anyway, I actually had a decent time. The FF was much nicer to me than she has been in the past, and I had a good conversation with her. We were starving (the party was at a bar, and we got there really early), so S. went out and brought back some food for the three of us. His original plan was to grab something at the Ecuadorian place next door, but when he came back, he had made a special effort to go elsewhere to bring me something vegetarian that wasn’t just a salad. I smiled at him and said very earnestly, “Thanks for going out and getting all this delicious food!” And he grinned from ear to ear and kissed me on the cheek. Aww! (WOA, no matter what S. says, are definitely one of his primary LL. Check!)
When some other people showed up, the party turned into a dancing fest, because her (African and Afro-Caribbean) drummer friends had just come from a performance and pulled their instruments out. It was fun, and we left at a semi-decent hour (something I was concerned about because S. will say he wants to leave early and then once he starts having a good time, he won’t leave). So last night I pulled a 180 and decided around midnight that I was ready to leave, and I told S. I was going and he could stay on if he liked. He decided to accompany me home, although I knew he wanted to stay.
Getting undressed and into bed was freezing, and he was really affectionate and sweet in warming me up, calling me “Sweetie,” which he hasn’t done in a few weeks. And this morning, whaddaya know, I got a really nice sleepy snuggle, and consequently was able to pull another 180 by getting out of bed first and making my coffee (S. doesn’t drink it). If this keeps up I’ll be ecstatic.
Still processing the conversation of the other night. Full report at 11.
