The brunch sounds delicious and so does the level of communication - did godot put in an appearance (wish he would round my gaff). Good on you for being the kind and caring person that every man dreams of when they are feeling poorly. Know I failed in that department big time so will hope for an opportunity in the future to borrow your florence nightingale garb.
Slowly, I find it amazing that S. can verbalize so well and thank me so profusely for taking such wonderful care of him and being so nurturing and understanding (his words) while he was sick, and not have a clue what a cad he was when I was sick. NOT that I was taking care of him because I wanted to rub his nose in it – I’m actually a robo-nurse and can’t stop myself from donning the Flo-No getup whenever someone gets the sniffles. So sorry, MidiP, the garb has to stay here, because at ANY moment I might need it…Anyway, whatever. It’s over, he’s well now, and we have MUCH bigger fish to fry.
This week has been a challenge (what week hasn’t been?). Saturday we dove headfirst into the morning issues talk again, and he reiterated that he “just can’t” muster that attention in the morning, that when he “tries,” it is and seems “miserly” to me, and I can feel that and I get upset, and so no matter what he does it doesn’t make either of us happy. (Gary Chapman deals with this in 5LL when a H says “I can’t do that” and GC says “Do you have two arms? Can you put them together?”) So my question was, so should I just give up? To which of course he said No, but we never got to finish the conversation.
Two hours later, when I thought he’d be coming back from a dance class, he called me and asked what iw as doing. He was really upset, and said he hadn’t gone to class because he “just couldn’t deal” and that he was really upset. I was about to run out to buy a birthday present, but I went to S’s instead and he was home, a total mess. He cried and said he “couldn’t do this anymore,” the “bickering at each other,” that “we aren’t working,” etc. He said he has really tried, that nothing seems to work, and we just can’t understand each other. Feeling a very tenuous hold on our R (I thought we were about to split up again), I just let him talk and hugged him and he clung to me. We did that for about an hour before I had to start getting ready for the birthday evening, and because S. was originally supposed to go with me and was now saying he didn’t want to go, I was getting ready to leave. He said he was sorry, that he knew it would be awkward if he didn’t go (I was meeting 5 other couples at a restaurant at the far other side of the city, and they all know S. and thought he was coming), and I said it was OK and then burst into tears. He then said “Well, convince me to go, then,” and I made up funny reasons why he should go (I was going to be made to wash dishes because I was showing up at couples night without a man, I was going to be picked up and questioned by the Queens police because I was an unaccompanied Brooklynite, that the cute Greek waiters at the restaurant would see one single woman and have a flirting competition, etc.). So off we went, and we had a great time.
It was weird, something about seeing him so upset like that popped off a lightbulb in my head… “Hey, he really does care!” and I changed my tune pretty quickly. I’d been operating under the ASSumption that he was digging in his heels all the time (but he’s only doing it SOME of the time ) and only caring about “winning” as opposed to trying to meet my needs.
The next day I had some insight into what it is I really need, and it’s not the affection so much as a need to feel connected. When we go to bed, I feel connected. When we wake up, I want to feel connected so I can leave him and have a productive day apart.
I know what you’re going to say, why do I need anything from him at all to have a productive day? and I ask you just to give me the benefit of the doubt and realize that it’s not a NEED, but it certainly affects the temperature on our R, and when I don’t feel connected in the morning (because he is staring off into space, or he just rips the covers aside and leaps into the shower without so much as a good morning), I feel like I start from scratch, every day. Every day we reset to 0. Granted, if our R was better all around, we’d be resetting to 50 or 80 or 85, but for now, I really feel empty, null, 0. There’s no love in the tank.
The upshot of all this is, we agreed to take a look at the Gottman book together tonight, and start doing some of the exercises. Right after we make a pizza together. So, I’m hoping the pizza will set a light mood, and the book will be a good mediator through some difficult topics.
Gosh, it's always so intense over here. Good save for the birthday dinner, but be sure to listen to what S is telling you.
Okay, I know all about how S doesn't meet your needs in the morning. I don't recall the part of the conversation where you expressed concern about S's needs in the morning and found out how to fill his love bank. Or about how you expressed gratitude for efforts he did make. (Not good enough - that's deadly. I'll bet that's in the Gottman book somewhere. )
His appreciation of your nursing may help him respond better next time you're sick and ask for what you want. You're not expecting him to read your mind, are you?
Quote: I really feel empty, null, 0. There’s no love in the tank.
Wait a minute. You always come here and recount lots of good, loving interactions. Why are they not good enough? And if they are, then why is your tank getting emptied so fast? S may need to increase his deposits, but I'm afraid he's going to (correctly) think it's hopeless if you don't start graciously accepting more of his deposits AND slow down the rate that you burn through them. They're not supposed to expire after three hours, you know!
I have not said this in a long time, but it's worth a reminder "Love is a Decision." S still can't decide what he wants and how to truly commit to making that decision work. How different would your mornings be if S said to you, "Jennifer, I'm not a morning person, but I promise to make this up to you later in the day because I care about you so much." Heck, just that simple step should make him feel 100% better about the two of you regardless of the hour--and I'm sure that would spark some of the connection you are seeking.
Also, while it's clear that you beat yourself up for your backslides (something I do as well), it never hurts to remind yourself of your humanity and that we are NOT perfect. And working towards perfection is hard when it seems our SO is not coming even halfway (probably how my W viewed me--right or wrong). I really hope you two can work it out because I have many Yankees tickets to sell or give away this year--and you're on my client list.
As for Soccermom and Shirley Glass--I'm notsure about the article she mentioned, but Glass's book "Not Just Friends" was a real eye-opener for me.
Quote: I don't recall the part of the conversation where you expressed concern about S's needs in the morning and found out how to fill his love bank. Or about how you expressed gratitude for efforts he did make.
Well, you’re right, I haven’t said much about that. We are constantly trying to figure out how to meet each other’s needs in the morning. One of his needs is to know my schedule, so he can feel comfortable that I have to get up and get going, and then so can he. He says that if *I* get up and get going, then he can, too. To me, this borders on making me drive his own motivation, but I’m not going to split hairs about that (knowing my own propensity to do that in other ways).
The thing is, he wants to know my schedule (and H2H can vouch for this conclusion after a long conversation with her about this over coffee one day not long ago) because he wants me to have one that fits HIS definition of an acceptable schedule. I am a freelancer working from home, and I quit my day job years ago to have the freedom to set my own schedule. S. can’t stand this, and he wants me to “go to work” at a prescribed time in the morning and “come home” before dinner.
So, you see where we go around and around about this? One of my recent efforts at making him feel more comfortable was to get him to help me with a schedule of my various projects in Excel (which I am pathetic in), and he really loved that, making all those clean dates fit into those little squares and seeing how my various projects lined up, with all the deadlines, etc. Oh! a jolly time was had by all.
Quote: His appreciation of your nursing may help him respond better next time you're sick and ask for what you want. You're not expecting him to read your mind, are you?
No, but when I say “I’d like you to stay home with me,” and he says “I don’t know what I can possibly do for you,” and I say “I just want you to be here, to sit with me, to talk to me, to stroke my head,” and he says “I can’t do anything for you, you just need to relax and get some sleep,” and then he leaves, I presume I’ve let him know what I want.
Quote: You always come here and recount lots of good, loving interactions. Why are they not good enough? And if they are, then why is your tank getting emptied so fast?
This is something I’m exploring both within the R and within myself. Thanks for asking so clearly – I want to think about this some more before I venture any thoughts.
Quote: They're not supposed to expire after three hours, you know!
Yeah, I know, but there’s something going on in our dynamic that causes us BOTH to burn through the goodwill deposits like counterfeit fifties! Hmm, maybe the deposits *are* counterfeit in a way… have to think about that one.
And Merrick, it's always good to see you around. I'm thrilled that I still make the velvet ropes in the Yanks tickets line. You're right, in that a simple acknowledgment that he WANTS to be there for me in the morning would go a long way. But we had an interesting talk last night about this (again), and we actually GOT somewhere! Hooray!
I have to post an update later, because I'm still processing the conversation. For now I'll say that we learned quite a bit about each other last night. I'm still blown away by all the new information. (The pizza, by the way, was delicious! S. made a wonderful homemade crust, and we topped it with fresh tomatoes, mushrooms, and calamata olives, with mozz and pecorino romano. Mmm!)
After having been awakened at 5 a.m. by one of S's tenants after a brick was thrown through the tenant's window, S. came back to bed more affectionate than ever, and we went back to sleep two peas in a pod. This morning at 8, when the contractors arrived to look at the house and give an estimate on the work, we were still sawing logs. At the sound of the doorbell, he quickly swung his legs over the side of the bed, but just before he leapt up and into his clothes in a single bound, he twisted back around and gave me a nice kiss.
Hmmm, thought I heard my name dropped around here . . . Yes, I can vouch that S. has his fair share of expectations for Jennifer and that they often 'feel' quite restricted to his own views & ideas. AND that Jennifer does expend quite a bit of effort to meeting his needs & expectations in a healthy way. It is definitely not ALL about J. and none of S. - I think she just posts the things that are bothering her, and doesn't list the work she puts into it on a daily basis.
I am glad to hear that pizza & talk night went well and progress was made! The one thing I mentioned to you the other day that puzzles me is why it 'seems' the entire R is thrown into question over relatively minor issues. I'm not judging whether they are good/bad, right/wrong, yours/S's issues - but just that a kinda smallish thing can send you both running/hiding/crying, AND followed by the need to have a "major scheduled discussion".
I think it's great that he does want to talk so much and work things out. I'm just wondering if a teeny-tiny-little bit more of shrugging it off, or letting it go and focusing on a Love Tank Filling activity might not produce better results over the long run. Maybe it's a question of taking a longer view - rather than "are my needs being met THIS morning?" how about "How have things been this week/month overall?"
Again, I'm not saying the issues you guys have been discussing shouldn't be - I just get the sense that it is rather tiring to go through such 'seriousness' every week. I think that adopting a slightly bigger perspective might help alleviate some of that daily turmoil . . . I don't know, it's just a hunch.
Anyways, looking forward to the next update with the processed conversation. . .
Quote: Jennifer does expend quite a bit of effort to meeting his needs & expectations in a healthy way.
Which is NOT to say I can't stand a LOT of improvement!
Thanks for your thoughts, H2H, and even though I get so much more of you offline, it's always great to see what the "public" you has to say. You're always digging up those pesky little questions, eh? You and that pesky SD...
You're absolutely right that these Major Scheduled Discussions are exhausting. S. often says how he believes in analyzing (and how!) and discussing, but we have to "live our relationship" as well. I couldn't agree more, and that's what we need more of, and that's what's going to fill our tanks more and get those fumes to stretch us to the next gas station, rather than leaving us stranded on the side of a lonely Kansas highway with only country and western on the radio. [ducking]
I also wholeheartedly agree that seeing a bigger picture better would alleviate the daily trauma somewhat. However, on this one issue, if I were to ask myself, "How is my morning need for connection being met over the last week/month/year?" I would have to say, no matter how you slice it, the results are abysmal. Hence, all the whining (and I knoooooow y'all are sick of hearing about it)!
Like I said in an earlier post, seeing S. so distraught on Saturday awakened me in a DUH moment. Newsflash: He cares! I'm still processing that and seeing how it affects my own behavior toward him. I think the first thing that will be manifest is a benefit of the doubt that has been lacking on my part for certain things. IOW, now that I know he cares, I can relax about that and start whining about other stuff.
Quote: However, on this one issue, if I were to ask myself, "How is my morning need for connection being met over the last week/month/year?" I would have to say, no matter how you slice it, the results are abysmal.
I know this is a BIG issue for you - but you have just twisted my point into a wider look at ONE issue. And I was suggesting that you step back and look at MANY issues over the a longer stretch of time.
JinB: Question: 1 issue/ 1 morning Answer: I lose, I lose, I lose, I lose, I lose - that no good #@$$% I'll show him!
H2H: Question: Overall feeling / this week Answer: Well life on the dairy farm has been good; he did cook me dinner; we went to a movie; we snuggled 4 out of 5 nights. Now if I could ONLY get him to pay attention to me in the morning! Gee, I'm gonna have to work on that one - my little snuckums is sure stubborn when it comes to that!
The difference is that you don't have to discount all the things that are going well while you keep at the pesky issue that so gets you in a tizzy!
And just to reiterate a few things: 1. S. DOES care 2. S. is NOT deaf 3. S. is NOT purposely trying to annoy or hurt you
He then said “Well, convince me to go, then,” and I made up funny reasons why he should go (I was going to be made to wash dishes because I was showing up at couples night without a man, I was going to be picked up and questioned by the Queens police because I was an unaccompanied Brooklynite, that the cute Greek waiters at the restaurant would see one single woman and have a flirting competition, etc.). So off we went, and we had a great time. 
) and only caring about “winning” as opposed to trying to meet my needs.
