Slowly, I find it amazing that S. can verbalize so well and thank me so profusely for taking such wonderful care of him and being so nurturing and understanding (his words) while he was sick, and not have a clue what a cad he was when I was sick. NOT that I was taking care of him because I wanted to rub his nose in it – I’m actually a robo-nurse and can’t stop myself from donning the Flo-No getup whenever someone gets the sniffles. So sorry, MidiP, the garb has to stay here, because at ANY moment I might need it…Anyway, whatever. It’s over, he’s well now, and we have MUCH bigger fish to fry.
This week has been a challenge (what week hasn’t been?). Saturday we dove headfirst into the morning issues talk again, and he reiterated that he “just can’t” muster that attention in the morning, that when he “tries,” it is and seems “miserly” to me, and I can feel that and I get upset, and so no matter what he does it doesn’t make either of us happy. (Gary Chapman deals with this in 5LL when a H says “I can’t do that” and GC says “Do you have two arms? Can you put them together?”) So my question was, so should I just give up? To which of course he said No, but we never got to finish the conversation.
Two hours later, when I thought he’d be coming back from a dance class, he called me and asked what iw as doing. He was really upset, and said he hadn’t gone to class because he “just couldn’t deal” and that he was really upset. I was about to run out to buy a birthday present, but I went to S’s instead and he was home, a total mess. He cried and said he “couldn’t do this anymore,” the “bickering at each other,” that “we aren’t working,” etc. He said he has really tried, that nothing seems to work, and we just can’t understand each other. Feeling a very tenuous hold on our R (I thought we were about to split up again), I just let him talk and hugged him and he clung to me. We did that for about an hour before I had to start getting ready for the birthday evening, and because S. was originally supposed to go with me and was now saying he didn’t want to go, I was getting ready to leave. He said he was sorry, that he knew it would be awkward if he didn’t go (I was meeting 5 other couples at a restaurant at the far other side of the city, and they all know S. and thought he was coming), and I said it was OK and then burst into tears. He then said “Well, convince me to go, then,” and I made up funny reasons why he should go (I was going to be made to wash dishes because I was showing up at couples night without a man, I was going to be picked up and questioned by the Queens police because I was an unaccompanied Brooklynite, that the cute Greek waiters at the restaurant would see one single woman and have a flirting competition, etc.). So off we went, and we had a great time.
It was weird, something about seeing him so upset like that popped off a lightbulb in my head… “Hey, he really does care!” and I changed my tune pretty quickly. I’d been operating under the ASSumption that he was digging in his heels all the time (but he’s only doing it SOME of the time ) and only caring about “winning” as opposed to trying to meet my needs.
The next day I had some insight into what it is I really need, and it’s not the affection so much as a need to feel connected. When we go to bed, I feel connected. When we wake up, I want to feel connected so I can leave him and have a productive day apart.
I know what you’re going to say, why do I need anything from him at all to have a productive day? and I ask you just to give me the benefit of the doubt and realize that it’s not a NEED, but it certainly affects the temperature on our R, and when I don’t feel connected in the morning (because he is staring off into space, or he just rips the covers aside and leaps into the shower without so much as a good morning), I feel like I start from scratch, every day. Every day we reset to 0. Granted, if our R was better all around, we’d be resetting to 50 or 80 or 85, but for now, I really feel empty, null, 0. There’s no love in the tank.
The upshot of all this is, we agreed to take a look at the Gottman book together tonight, and start doing some of the exercises. Right after we make a pizza together. So, I’m hoping the pizza will set a light mood, and the book will be a good mediator through some difficult topics.
He then said “Well, convince me to go, then,” and I made up funny reasons why he should go (I was going to be made to wash dishes because I was showing up at couples night without a man, I was going to be picked up and questioned by the Queens police because I was an unaccompanied Brooklynite, that the cute Greek waiters at the restaurant would see one single woman and have a flirting competition, etc.). So off we went, and we had a great time. 
) and only caring about “winning” as opposed to trying to meet my needs.
