J - I'm not opposed to all snooping - sometimes you just really need to know the truth about some things in order to figure out what to do. The problems with snooping come 1) when it gets you all worked up and makes it impossible to Act As If or 2) when you make ASSumptions about what you find that are incorrect.
Quote: Mostly I just want to post these developments because I am doing some hard thinking about whether S. is going to be right for me (I don’t really want to be with someone who at the first sign of trouble gets a phone number in a bar or looks at personal ads)
I think this is the crux of the matter. You're not married, you don't have kids, and SO's coming back has not exactly been of the "you are the love of my life, I don't know what I was thinking, I couldn't bear to lose you" type. I think it's perfectly legitimate to ask if you are willing to settle for a guy who has not shown the requisite growth through this whole thing?
As for the results of your snooping - what you do with it depends on where you are. If you are really sure you are willing to walk away if he's not more forthcoming - you could (calmly) ask him what all this means. Or you could go to the bar, look up the bartender, show her a pic of SO, and let her know you aren't mad at her but just really trying to find out the truth about his character, and ask her what transpired. (I mean, did she offer her number, did he ask for it so he could buy something from her or sell her something, or did they have sex in the parking lot and he promised to call? Lots of possibilities. Some innocent, some not so.)
If you're not ready for the possible consequences of all those, though - then you could keep DBing, and just watch those red flags. Or you could look back at what worked before and start doing it again (maybe YOU need to collect a few bartenders' numbers and leave them lying around? )
Ask yourself - if your best girlfriend was dating him, and you knew all of this about him - would you tell her he was a good risk for marriage? Or would you be trying to talk your friend out of the R? What if it was your daughter?
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