Thanks for everyone’s input (including offline) on the To Post or Not To Post dilemma. To clear things up, I’m not agonizing over whether I should share all the details of my life… I have just had some developments in my sitch that are embarrassing to me, and I was reluctant to post them. Really, the embarrassment stems not only from my own behavior, but also from plain ol’ damaged pride at S’s actions.
In a nutshell (because I think I’m ready to own up a little), here are some things that have been happening:
1. I found a receipt dated 1/16 with a woman’s phone number on it (in her h/writing), notated by S. with the bar/restaurant he met her in. It is a restaurant a few doors down from a place he always meets an old (M) friend for drinks. I remember the night well, because MF always goes to bed really early, and S. came home late that night. I said something like, “Wow, [MF] stayed up way past his bedtime tonight!” to which S. replied, “Apparently.” Later I saw the phone number. Because I can be crazy that way, I looked up the number, and it’s the number for the restaurant notated by S. on the receipt (which was not a receipt from the restaurant, it was obviously an available slip of paper). She’s the bartender. So it’s not her home number, but sufficient enough to make me scream, YUCK! ~~~*
So, this was certainly a shaky time for us, because we’d just had the NYE massacre, but he had just spent two weeks with my family in Georgia and we were about to go on a three-week trip together, as well as a session with a T. Can you tell me why he was out in a bar by himself (after MF went home) collecting women’s phone numbers?
I didn’t mention it when I found it (good coaching by H2H), but because S. went out with this same MF over this past w-e and went to the same bar, I was uneasy about it and it was brought to the forefront again. Then, yesterday, as I was helping S. get out the door to work, he asked me to move a stack of papers and get a book that was underneath for him. What fell out of the stack as I picked it up? The receipt with the phone number. I still didn’t say anything (thanks for the duct tape at the right moment, SD), but I did take it with me.
2. S. and I didn’t speak to each other for two whole days this week, because of a “fight” of sorts I don’t feel like going into here. Neither of us would give in. It was really stupid, and during the time we weren’t calling (two days, then I called to let him know I was going out, to break the ice), I know that he looked at several incongruous things on the Internet (these are in order from Tuesday morning):
a. personal ads from women seeking men
b. five different historic mansions that are now romantic getaway B&Bs
c. Tiffany engagement ring diamond cuts and pricing
OK, so before you start doing gopher dances, at the time he was looking at these things (Tu a.m.) three things were true:
a. his good friend had just broken up with his long-term GF, and one of the disputes was over money (he was saving for an engagement ring) – S. was probably just curious about what 10K gets you in an engagement ring, i.e., not necessarily shopping for me.
b. We had just had a long conversation last weekend about this friend’s break-up, and one of the issues with his friend had been finances, specifically taking trips together and who pays. S. and I talked a lot about us, and I mentioned that to my knowledge, S. had never thought about taking me on a trip and paying for it. He immediately said “Oh yes I have, I just wouldn’t have said anything to you about it.”
c. We had not spoken to each other (at all) since Sunday night. Sunday night’s conversation was a continuation of the fight, was clipped and cold, and ended abruptly.
3. I told him on Wednesday when we finally spoke that I had decided to have four close GFs over for brunch on Sunday and their families/fiances/BFs. This is a group of women I met at the same time when I first moved to NY, and the point was, we were getting together to catch up (we have brunch together about every two months (we all live in the same neighborhood, oddly enough). S. called me from work Thursday to ask if “we” could invite his boss (whom I’ve met and like very much) and her H and daughter (18 mo). He kept talking about “we,” as in “We can make fruit salad” and “We can make that spinach and mushroom tart” and “We should have them over, it’s a good time.” I was taken aback, because I thought it was clear that the “group” was already set (i.e., this was MY brunch with MY four GFs and their Hs and children and families), but I decided this was a huge positive and so I went with it. He was really happy, and so am I. The one weird thing? He has asked me twice if my GF’s BF is coming (remember, the GF he acted so inappropriately about?) He hasn’t asked about anyone else.
Now, I know I snooped and snooping’s bad and that’s what you get when you snoop, and whatever else you want to say. I don’t really need whacks for snooping, because I know I’ll keep doing it until one day I snoop and DON’T find some woman’s phone number or find that he’s been looking at personal ads on the Internet ~~*
I see the positives, I really do. Mostly I just want to post these developments because I am doing some hard thinking about whether S. is going to be right for me (I don’t really want to be with someone who at the first sign of trouble gets a phone number in a bar or looks at personal ads). I’m not ignoring all the dumb things I do or the way I act, either. But a lot of things (the gardening incident, for one) have made me wonder if I’m holding onto this because I’m afraid to let it go, or because it’s right and just needs work.
Thanks to Wonder’s thread, I’m awaiting the Susan Anderson book, and visions of my dream house…
Thanks to all for getting to the bottom of this most painfully long post…
~~~*
