So, now that you've had a little time to think about it, have you apologized to S about the gardening thing? Told him how happy you are that he is being attentive to his own needs and up front about stating them? How much more secure you feel knowing that you won't be inadvertently stepping on his toes and subject to surprise resentments erupting later? How you feel so much more able to meet his needs, knowing that he'll express them?
You probably think I'm off the wall, but I see S's statement as nothing but a huge positive. He's willing to be honest with you and take care of himself. When you perceive it as a negative, all I can think is that you're threatened by S not wanting the exact same thing you want, or feeling the exact same thing you feel about everything. Differentiation can cause anxiety, but it's still a good thing.
Welcome back again. I missed you. I'm hoping that I'll be seeing more of P in the future. I'm fearing that that will give you an opportunity for payback as I toss my brilliant insights out the window and shoot myself in the foot. Then again, maybe the thought of that payback will keep me in line.
PWAH! Nooooooo, I haven't apologized to S. for the gardening thing... I kept the duct tape on, so I didn't say anything untoward... the only screaming and jumping up and down he got was what he read in my journal, which I have no intention of apologizing for.
Sure, I think it's a positive that he can express his needs, but I'm not sure they jibe with mine. I still think it's selfish, in light of the fact that we planted the garden (and at MY instigation) last year with such pleasure, and actually, it was an assumption (not just MINE) that we'd do it again this year, together (Him, last year: "Next year, we'll have to..."). I know I'm going to get whacks for this, but here's my question: Do I want to be with someone who withholds something like that from me? To me, it's a measure of control. He wants to control, and he doesn't want to share. It's not just him keeping something that was always his for himself. He's actually taking it away.
But it's not the defining thing in our relationship right now. We are still dealing with re-entry issues from being away. He goes back to work this week, and he still has an empty apartment in his building, which is a financial strain, and I have two new projects starting up in a week or so that will keep me busy for the better part of this year.
I just planned a hiking trip with my very good friend, in March to Big Bend National Park in Texas. We are both going to a conference in San Antonio (any DBers over there?) and are going to go out early and make the big drive to the park, hike and camp four days there. I'm so excited! It's supposedly one of our most amazing national parks (and least visited)... S. might have come along except he is going to work on a timber framing project in another state at the same time, which works out well. If we can't travel together, at least we're traveling at the same time.
Then his sister gets married over Mem Day w-e in California, which should be interesting. She's older than he and it's her first time... I remember my sister's wedding - should bring up all kinds of wacky feelings (for him, but also for me). I probably won't see any DB folks that w-e, as I'll be glued to S. and family. Anyway I don't think any of you are in or near Redlands?
OK, I need to stop BBing and get some work done...
Dear Jennifer Your trip sounds amazing - I too want to be a Patagonian princess (have to check the atlas first). I liked SDs analysis of the planting fiasco even if you think he's being a selfish bastard. He'll probably need your help and advice, flair and spontanaity anyway.
Quote: Sure, I think it's a positive that he can express his needs, but I'm not sure they jibe with mine.
Isn't that what SD said?
Quote: Do I want to be with someone who withholds something like that from me? To me, it's a measure of control. He wants to control, and he doesn't want to share. It's not just him keeping something that was always his for himself. He's actually taking it away.
So how would you state your own need for something shared to remain shared? If the R is strong enough for him to be honest about his needs, it can withstand your own honesty, right?
My point is that you ask a very good question about what you want or don't want. You need to explore with S whether withholding this is a true need for him, if it's really "taking away" in your mind.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Hello, all. Thanks, MidiP, Koshka, for stopping by.
I’ve been reticent about posting because things are so volatile in my sitch I’ve been reluctant to write anything down lest it change 15 minutes later. Another thing I’ve been grappling with is a level of honesty – really this isn’t an “anonymous” forum, when you’ve met fellow DBers and you know SO much about a lot of people here. I realize that people come here for the very reason that this is a place to be totally naked, let it all hang out, be as dumb as you have to be, and grow and work things through without judgment or harsh treatment. But the fact remains for me, and maybe I’m just vain , that now that I feel I am “known,” I have some kind of “image” to protect (no, not the fruit loop one, SD! ). I’ve made it through to some semblance of success – I have my partner back, mostly; I’ve learned a heck of a lot; and I KNOW when I’m screwing up, sometimes even before I do it – and here I am balking at letting my backslides be known, my trials be seen, because it’s embarrassing in a way, or disappointing… a let-down. How can I give sound advice in others’ houses when I’m stinking up my own house?
Merrick has reminded me on several occasions that I don’t HAVE to post every detail of my life, and this I know, but it seems dishonest to be here for support and advice and not report about the ditch I’ve dug myself or the new developments in S’s commitment (or lack thereof). So, I struggle with posting the very things I came here to let loose from, to relieve myself of, to get help with or just to have a shoulder to cry on about.
In any case, it helps to at least be honest about being dishonest, or withholding, and maybe it’s the catalyst I need to get back on track and start acting in a way I’m not ashamed to post about!
Hello, all. Thanks, MidiP, Koshka, for stopping by.
I’ve been reticent about posting because things are so volatile in my sitch I’ve been reluctant to write anything down lest it change 15 minutes later. Another thing I’ve been grappling with is a level of honesty – really this isn’t an “anonymous” forum, when you’ve met fellow DBers and you know SO much about a lot of people here. I realize that people come here for the very reason that this is a place to be totally naked, let it all hang out, be as dumb as you have to be, and grow and work things through without judgment or harsh treatment. But the fact remains for me, and maybe I’m just vain , that now that I feel I am “known,” I have some kind of “image” to protect (no, not the fruit loop one, SD! ). I’ve made it through to some semblance of success – I have my partner back, mostly; I’ve learned a heck of a lot; and I KNOW when I’m screwing up, sometimes even before I do it – and here I am balking at letting my backslides be known, my trials be seen, because it’s embarrassing in a way, or disappointing… a let-down. How can I give sound advice in others’ houses when I’m stinking up my own house?
Merrick has reminded me on several occasions that I don’t HAVE to post every detail of my life, and this I know, but it seems dishonest to be here for support and advice and not report about the ditch I’ve dug myself or the new developments in S’s commitment (or lack thereof). So, I struggle with posting the very things I came here to let loose from, to relieve myself of, to get help with or just to have a shoulder to cry on about.
In any case, it helps to at least be honest about being dishonest, or withholding, and maybe it’s the catalyst I need to get back on track and start acting in a way I’m not ashamed to post about!
Oooh, I hear ya. (Actually, I heard ya the first time. )
I've thought the exact same things, even before having met anyone. It feels like we know each other and I'm fully capable of being embarrassed by what I might write on this anonymous board. Yeesh! There are too many smart, insightful people out there who can see right through me. That's supposed to be a good thing, right?
Quote: I’ve made it through to some semblance of success – I have my partner back, mostly; I’ve learned a heck of a lot; and I KNOW when I’m screwing up, sometimes even before I do it – and here I am balking at letting my backslides be known, my trials be seen, because it’s embarrassing in a way, or disappointing… a let-down. How can I give sound advice in others’ houses when I’m stinking up my own house?
There have been times when I have struggled with this myself. I will say, though, that when I do post about the foibles, not only do I get great advice and support (plus people tell me it helps them to see that screwups continue!) BUT I also find that the act of posting/journalling really helps me handle the situation better.
For me, I think there are times when not only am I trying to "hide" from the BB but also trying to hide from my own self. Posting forces me to confront that. (It's not always the case...sometimes I just don't want to tarnish the image! )
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I’ve learned a heck of a lot; and I KNOW when I’m screwing up, sometimes even before I do it – and here I am balking at letting my backslides be known, my trials be seen, because it’s embarrassing in a way, or disappointing… a let-down. How can I give sound advice in others’ houses when I’m stinking up my own house?
In working through a lot of issues from my past, I was very active at MaleSurvivor.org. I am still "known" there (not as "koshka"). I eventually did meet "in real life" some of the other people there, too. I worried sometimes about posting things for these same kinds of reasons.
What I discovered, for myself, is that many times the answers that I needed for myself were showing up in the things I wrote to others. I try to write in "I statements" and relate my possible understanding of someone's sitch to common elements in my own. I don't want to sound like I know what I'm talking about, or I'm offering "the solution." But because I take that approach, I very often find (usually after the fact, unfortunately) that the solution to my "problem" was couched in the words I wrote to another. Not always, of course, but often enough for me to believe that this kind of reaching out does me good.
It's ironic, because so many things that I learned to accept about myself in T are things that W had noticed and I denied for years. Granted, her way of communicating them to me, often through insults, was ineffective. If I had only been able to see the truths she was telling me then, I might not need to be here now. But I had to find these truths in my own thoughts and words, through T, before they "sank in." Now I suppose she will have to find any truth in what I see of OR for herself, in her own way and time, as well. It's a lot easier to write that than to have the strength and patience for living it.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Merrick's right--you don't have to post all the details of your life... just like you don't have to tell the folks in your everyday life about every little thing that happens to you. That's a lot different than leaving out big pieces of a sitch that you're trying to get advice on, because then it skews the effectiveness of the advice people are able to give.
I get what you're saying. Just not sure which of these two things is bothering you.
Koshka makes a great point about learning from posting on other's threads. I've felt that experience too. I think, too, that we often have a lot more insight into DB solutions that might work for others or where they are falling down or doing marvelously than we do about our own. It's much easier when it's not about you or when you have the distance you don't often have in your own sitch.
Relax, girl, and trust your instincts. Being who you are-- faults and glories-- is so much more valuable to you and to others than any image of success or wisdom or anything else on this BB or elsewhere. We all succeed and fail at something every day.
This BB is here to help folks and there is a lot of caring support here that I've found to be really genuine. But if posting X or Y isn't helpful to you to do, if it doesn't get you where you need to go, if there is nothing you're going to gain growth-wise or advice-wise by doing that (and sometimes we need to be honest with ourselves about that) there is no obligation to do so.
, that now that I feel I am “known,” I have some kind of “image” to protect (no, not the fruit loop one, SD! 