Sigh. I have to admit that I thought, when you were flat on your back and so silent here, "At least she can't get herself into much trouble." Ha!
Anne picked up on something that's been leaping out at me for a while. You also referred to your R as unstable before you left for the holidays. My thought then (and now) is that the R's not unstable, YOU are, you fruit loop!
Yes, S is clueless (as many guys are) in his handling of Swiss Miss. Yes, that needs to be addressed in the context of your stable R. Unfortunately, that's not possible because you go flying off the handle over every skewed cherry.
The message I get from your posts is that nothing S does is good enough. He's not just making that up. It seems to me that he is trying to do the right thing, though sometimes imperfectly, and half of you wants to work it out and the louder half of you is too self absorbed to give S or the R any thought.
It would stink if S doesn't handle his response to OW in the best way. However, your urgency about getting him to a T might better be redirected toward dealing with your own issues. If you don't get a handle on your excessive expectations, big demands and big reactions, I'm very afraid that you might just as well buy him a ticket to Switzerland. If you can't be easy to be with, why should he want to stick around? THAT is why it is so dangerous to have Swiss Miss hovering and THAT is in your power to change.
I really want this to work out for you. Sometimes I can laugh, but mostly I'm wincing as I watch you, repeatedly and with great conviction, shoot yourself in the foot. Cut it out, already!!!
