Onward and Sideways, Kicking and Screaming

[Underdog]

Jennifer,

I'm glad to hear that you're feeling much better and that your update yesterday has a much more promising outcome. Also glad that S has agreed to get into some C with you before the fact.

No whacks intended, but I think you're getting it now that jealousy is really tearing at the 2 of you and is most unnecessary and hurtful. That little monster appears when we are feeling very insecure and out of control.

It doesn't go away without some really tough self work... so good for you for recognizing that it needs to be addressed now.

Jennifer, I'm about to turn 43... which doesn't give me the license to say that I know more than anyone else. But somewhere between the ages of 38 and 40, some weird stuff happens. My friends and I have the tendency to wax nostalgia and to delve deep into the past to see where we achieved something, where we failed and what we could have/should have done differently.

I have to tell you that my 20 year high school reunion really set the stage for this for many, many of my friends who are the same age. I figured that this was the appetizer for some to have a full blown MLC--because some of the males in my age group were a little too fond of the past and less enthusiastic about their present.

Anyhoo, this also resulted in my contacting some people in my past to get some answers. One turned into OM (EA and nearly PA) and the other was my guy before Mr. W.--whose R with me was passionate and emotionally charged. We had not seen each other since I moved to CO and had lost written touch a few years afterward. (Our communications were awkward, and I got the answer why later on.)

A year before I turned 40, I got a phone call from him out of the blue. Turns out, he was doing the same thing I was doing (and the rest of our peers). Note: I was with him but breaking up with him when Mr. W. catapulted into my life. He was VERY jealous of WBMM (ha GBO, I get to counter this!) but told me that he would prefer to trust me than to mistrust me. Turns out, that unconditional level of trust was what really attracted me to Mr. W.

My 40th birthday, we headed back to SFO to celebrate. WBMM had asked if he could meet all of us for dinner. Mr. W. agreed--he said he felt that I deserved some closure on a R that was never truly closed. To say I was stunned was a gross understatement.

What I'm trying to say in a very long winded fashion is that people are going to pop up into your life and the life of S over your lifetime. Some will be people who have had more intimate Rs with each one of you.

You can choose to see this person not as a threat, but as a healing opportunity to draw you two closer. You can choose to instill trust by extending it carte blanche and accepting his word as the gospel truth. The more you give to this process, the less fear you're going to have.

And the contrary is also true: the more you feed that monster, the more he's going to steal from you and S.

Swiss miss is only as important to you as a couple as you make her. It really and truly sounds as though S doesn't feel as passionate about her as you do.

So by letting him write to her and closing that chapter, you're less likely to feel that she is going to come catapulting back into your married life in the capacity that you've labeled her.

Capisce?

My two cents? Allow him to close this loop in the capacity he feels necessary to do the right thing as a human. After all, you want to marry this guy, right? There is nothing MORE attractive about a prospective partner than seeing them as kind hearted and one who is willing to consider how others feel. (Yes, that includes you...)

Now, I'll leave you with a big bite to chew on: What does Swiss miss have that you don't? I am pretty sure the answer is nothing. But if there is something, you have the intelligence, knowledge, skills and wherewithal to take care of your little green monster once and for all.

Hugs to you! (But not ones that will injure your poor neck... )

Betsey

p.s. Don't ask to see the letter. It's not a trust building question...