i'd have to say if there's lack of participation, then that's rejection. it presumes that us guys just need to be satisfied (which we won't be).
the reason of course is because we engage in intimate contact looking for acceptance and re-assurance we are wanted. but we also have an ego right? we want to be pleasing to our spouses.
a W which wont actively participate robs us of that connection and acceptance and arguably telegraphs meta messages like, you don't please me, you don't arouse me, you are not acceptable, you put your "needs" ahead of mine, etc.
i deal with that as well. even if i get "lucky", without the feedback and mutuality, it's a pretty empty experience.
Hi Michelle, This is my first Post on this site. I just read your book The Divorce Remedy and got your site address there. It has been 4 years going on 5 pretty soon, that I am thinking either to stay or leave.
At times Yes I am starving for sex, I need much more then i am getting. but mostly I am starved to be satisfied. I remember when I was not working for about one year in 2002, I would masturbate during the day and then have sex if I was lucky at night. I have a very high libido and my husband does not. I am 45 and he is 52. I just love sex and I think about it all the time. I am very sex oriented.
Our problem started in 2002 when he started his disfunctional erection problem. He is taking Viagra, but there is no impulsivity, spontinuity any more and it's killing me. By the way I am french so if I make spelling error please bare with me. I do not want to make this a long letter but in order for you to be able to help me i need to explain it all.
We have an extremely good relationship, I love him and he loves me. We communicate all the time. We talk on how we feel and we went to see a therapist also. The problem is that my husband does not know how to seduce me, how to tease me, how to play to get me aroused. I tell him everything in details what I like what I need but still he does it maybe one time then its right back at square one.
I even wrote a letter to him, i bought games (he does not like games), One more thing, I am sick of the vibrator, but I have no choice. I want to recandle our mariage but He is happy and I am not. He is satisfied and I am not.
It's been 16 years we are together, this is a second marriage for both of us. Our kids are grown ups now he has two boys and I have a boy and a girl, my youngest is 19 going to College still living with us, but only on week-ends. My oldest is 24. Do you know how many years I've been waiting for living this life. Being alone all week and just week-ends have my daughter. We could make it a special night every night if we wanted to. We could run around the house naked if we wanted to. And my life is really boring when it comes to sex. Other then that, we have a good life together. We respect one another, we communicate all the time etc.
We got married in Jamaica in 1998, it was just like a fairy tail. I was so much in love back then that I did not even look at other men. I have had an internet affair in 2002 because I felt rejected, because he did not want to make love anymore because of his problem. I was so frustrated that I started to chat with someone and it lead to an affair online. He made me feel alive, wanted, I could sense his desire to have me. We were playing games and teasing I really felt like I was in love all over again. I was going to meet him in 2004 in Montreal QC, but Marc found out about it and I came right back home as soon as I arrive at the hotel, I received his call telling me that he had seen an email from me to the other guy. He was devasted, and me too. So the meeting never took place.
I am very young at heart, I am 45 but I look more like 30 or 35 years old. My husband is 52 but thinks that he is old he looks older then he is. He does not like to go out, he does not like dancing, which is my passion, I love music, I love the social life. He thinks we should just go to a restaurant and see a movie and that would be going out and have fun for him.
I love him but I am not in love with him any more. don't know if you understand me here. He does not attract me physically anymore, but sometimes he does but rarely. I am the outgoing one and he never goes out. He is very quiet. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful man, but I feel in prison in this relationship I will pretty soon explode or choke. I want to stay but I need the exitement in my life too. I am living the life I want to maybe live 10 or 15 years from now. he truly loves me, but how do I satisfy my needs. I have to tell him everything how I like him to touch me, and it's getting anoying now. I know that this is wrong but I keep thinking of this other guy all the time. How He loves sex the way I do, How he would make love to me, I sometimes think that I am with this other guy when my husband and I are having sex.
I am seing a therapist at the moment for myself because I was a victim of incest when I was a little girl and there are some things that I need to work on still. We talk about it too, about my husband problem of not being satisfied, and she says that I am normal to feel this way. I think that you get the picture a little on how I feel.
My life is ordinary and I have no satisfying sex life. I think that if there is a chance to have an affair, a real one, I would. I have changed too, because I know how the other man would make love to me and I expect to have it but it's not happening. my husband cannot even enjoy it when I ask him to masturbate in front of me. He cannot enjoy and crave sex to level I can. He is satisfied the way it is. God I wish he did not have this problem.
Please help me. your book is wonderful by the way, but I cannot change who I am and I cannot changed who he is either. Sex is not everything but to me it's way up there on my priority list, not on his even after everything I have told him.
What is not helping my situation is because I still have contact with this other guy once in a while, about every 3 month, I reopen the door. I know that I have to close this door for ever if I want my marriage to work but I am in an impasse here. I have needs that are not met, and it is driving me crazy.
MrWhy, Yes difinitly, yes if you would watch her masturbate, you would crave it so much, and it would add so much sensuality and eroticism into your relationship that the desire and craving would be extremely high. I am the one requesting it, for him to watch me and do it to himself in the process and really enjoying it and feeling it. Well I think you should watch her and look at her like you really want her. touching her when you reach that point is just pure extasy! Tinkerbell
Quote: Hi Michelle, It has been 4 years going on 5 pretty soon, that I am thinking either to stay or leave.
At times Yes I am starving for sex, I need much more then I am getting. But mostly I am starved to be satisfied. I remember when I was not working for about one year in 2002; I would masturbate during the day and then have sex if I was lucky at night. I have a very high libido and my husband does not. I am 45 and he is 52. I just love sex and I think about it all the time. I am very sex oriented.
Our problem started in 2002 when he started his dysfunctional erection problem. He is taking Viagra, but there is no impulsivity, spontaneity any more and it's killing me. By the way I am French so if I make spelling error please bare with me. I do not want to make this a long letter but in order for you to be able to help me I need to explain it all.
What is his dysfunction, can it be cured. I too had problems because of IBS, imagine your stomach hurting all the time. How much sex would you enjoy.
It's been 16 years we are together, this is a second marriage for both of us. Our kids are grown ups now he has two boys and I have a boy and a girl, my youngest is 19 going to College still living with us, but only on week-ends. My oldest is 24. Do you know how many years I've been waiting for living this life. Being alone all week and just weekends have my daughter. We could make it a special night every night if we wanted to. We could run around the house naked if we wanted to. And my life is really boring when it comes to sex. Other then that, we have a good life together. We respect one another, we communicate all the time etc.
What was life like when you were first married. Can he take testosterone? Some women marry for a father figure and then want a husband, not knowing we don’t change.
We got married in Jamaica in 1998, it was just like a fairy tail.
It's been 16 years we are together, and married in 1998 math don’t add up. Why did you get married if you were roomies for so long.
I was so much in love back then that I did not even look at other men. I have had an Internet affair in 2002 because I felt rejected, because he did not want to make love anymore because of his problem. I was so frustrated that I started to chat with someone and it lead to an affair online. He made me feel alive, wanted, I could sense his desire to have me. We were playing games and teasing I really felt like I was in love all over again. I was going to meet him in 2004 in Montreal QC, but Marc found out about it and I came right back home as soon as I arrive at the hotel, I received his call telling me that he had seen an email from me to the other guy. He was devasted, and me too. So the meeting never took place.
Right up there with stabbing.
I am very young at heart, I am 45 but I look more like 30 or 35 years old. My husband is 52 but thinks that he is old he looks older then he is. He does not like to go out, he does not like dancing, which is my passion, I love music, I love the social life. He thinks we should just go to a restaurant and see a movie and that would be going out and have fun for him.
I love him but I am not in love with him any more. don't know if you understand me here. He does not attract me physically anymore, but sometimes he does but rarely. I am the outgoing one and he never goes out. He is very quiet. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful man, but I feel in prison in this relationship I will pretty soon explode or choke. I want to stay but I need the excitement in my life too.
I wonder, was it like this before 2002, did he go out before? Did he dance before?.
I am living the life I want to maybe live 10 or 15 years from now. he truly loves me, but how do I satisfy my needs. I have to tell him everything how I like him to touch me, and it's getting annoying now.
When I was clueless, I avoided her so she would not think that we would have sex. I did not realize that, it made matters worse. Had I done more loving touches, loving words, and loving deeds. She would have felt so love the sex would have become less important. I did not understand till she was gone. Also I did not speak alien, so when she said to leave the area, I did not know she meant, stay around and fight for me. I literally did a college education in what I did wrong.
So what I am saying is, he has to feel safe making loving gestures. And yes we need lists. I read somewhere that the women need 3 hugs a day, 10 loving touches, and 30 mins of listening.
Check out www.marriagebuilders.com it has good suggestions. Have him read it. Start using the concepts. One I like the best is at night, ask each other what can I do tomorrow to make you feel more loved. Temper it with, JOINT COMPROMISE.
I know that this is wrong but I keep thinking of this other guy all the time. How He loves sex the way I do, how he would make love to me, I sometimes think that I am with this other guy when my husband and I are having sex.
My life is ordinary and I have no satisfying sex life. I think that if there is a chance to have an affair, a real one, I would. I have changed too, because I know how the other man would make love to me and I expect to have it but it's not happening. my husband cannot even enjoy it when I ask him to masturbate in front of me. He cannot enjoy and crave sex to level I can. He is satisfied the way it is. God I wish he did not have this problem.
What is not helping my situation is because I still have contact with this other guy once in a while, about every 3 month, I reopen the door. I know that I have to close this door forever if I want my marriage to work but I am in an impasse here. I have needs that are not met, and it is driving me crazy.
I am with Dr. Phil on this one, until you both can say, we did all we could before you move on.
Weel I'm new to this forum and I hate to hijack it but I need some help understanding what I'm going through. I'll start by telling you a little about myself; I'm a retired military member 42 years old I work out 4 times a week, and look really good. I would say that I'm not really good looking, but atractive. (you know what I mean). My wife is still active duty and we have two kids 3 and 8. We decided I would stay home with the kids for a while because if you can imagine we've been pretty busy the last couple of years before I retired. So I stay home do the laundry, clean, take the kids to school all the cooking, and keep a pretty good house. I'm actually pretty good at it, and I'm a full time student working on my Masters Degree. A little over 12 months ago I noticed we weren't having sex as often as I would like and I mentioned it to my wife. She doesn't really want to get in to it I guess, but fast forward to now and realize that it hasn't gotten any better. She is currently away on official business, and she was gone for 22 days, and I thought she would be happy to see me when she got back, so I set it up. Candles a bottle of wine, but i get no response. She drove for 4 hours to get home so I think yea I see that, I'll try it the next day, well its the same. We did have sex, but I felt like it was because she did it out of mercy or something. And oh while she's been gone she goes out every Friday and Saturday until 0230 or like Saturday didn't get in until 0300. I don't have a problem normally with her going out when she's on the road and I think the whole sex problem has made me wonder what the heck is going on. Well we got into a heated discussion, and she said she didn't have much of a sex drive, and says she doesn't even think about sex ever, and I don't talk to her. I try to talk to her, but I don't have much going on in my life exept for the kids, the house, and school. After about 30 minutes I'm done with what I have in my head, and she doesn't contribute to the talking that I can see. I really think she's cheating on me, but would like someone else to tell me what they think.
Thanks for the help, and no I don't have anyone to talk to but my mom, and man is that a weird talk with mom.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
