I am not exactly new to this place, but I haven't been around much lately either. I just finished reading this thread and took notes on the way. Most of these are viewpoints or observations I haven't seen already mentioned. This in no way means any of my comments describe anyone elses S, but I have always been willing to toss in a few ideas if only to get the imagination of others working on a new track.
I feel that many of you are describing me exactly and then suddenly start talking about another person entirely. I am certain my W views me as LD (at least sometimes) and her comments to me are almost identical to some of the complaints listed by several here. However, I do not feel the difference to be as great as many describe here.
Desire (for me) is only minimally based on body shape. I have taken great care to convice her that a smile works a lot better than makeup/perfume/clothes/etc. I even read that Oprah suggested something similar (see recent magazine). W now wears makeup rarely, almost exclusively to the more formal events. This is great for me. makeup tends to rub off on me and I find it irritating, perfume (or variants) is exciting for about 5 minutes, then starts to drive me away in an effort to get some air I can breathe. I enjoy her own scent more than any perfume, and I know that it is her. All other things equal, a good fitness level would make some activities/variations a bit easier, but a modest amount of imagination or planning can more than make up the difference. My most exciting episodes were when she would plan and prepare events, she expressed her desire, constantly demonstrating that she wanted sex, I could barely restrain myself, the final event would always be fast, intense and wonderful.
The (obvious) follow up question becomes: Why do I not make similar plans for events to share. Every time I have examined my feelings/response, I always end up at the same place. I fear rejection. It used to be that sex was her cure for things like headaches, etc. We always laughed at the shows where a headache was the excuse. Then came the time where sex no longer worked like aspirin. (The reasons involved 'speed bumps' in both lanes) She started to avoid sex giving quite a variety of reasons. I have no reason to doubt that they were real. My available foreplay arsenal was no longer sufficient. My rare attempts almost always start as tenous suggestions (rejection insurance), and usually resulted in not interested responses (busy/kids/tired/worried/mood/...), so my plans would almost always get shot down before they even got past the suggestion of possibility. Then she wonders why I don't initiate.
There is no doubt that she is the dominant half of our partnership. So many times I have come to the conclusion that she secretly wants to be dominated, but she has no concept of how to play the submissive. Since I am the less dominant, I am particularly unsuited to be a dominant to an unwilling submissive. The result once again is that initiation on my part is rare.
All these words, so many detailed descriptions, however I am the visual type. To understand a new concept, I must visualize something, emotions have no image to visualize, so descriptions of emotions and emotional needs evaporate before an image can form to make a picture that might stick. When others are explaining a new concept, I cannot look at them because that distracts me and prevents me from visualizing what they are trying to say. Understanding the problem, beyond that she is upset, just does not happen. The obvious followup question becomes, how can you discuss feelings with a visual person?
I have no objections to her pleasing herself. She has hinted a few times and my response has always been 'can I watch?' but it almost never happens. I think it would make an interesting variant to add a little spice to the normal routine.
