Hi, We've been married for fifteen years and looking back to figure out when it started, I find that when we were dating I should have known. I know this will get a sad little giggle, but, I really do feel that his LD is just twords me. In the seventeen years we have been together, I think I have turned down sex maybe twice. I believe he has had EAs. I talked w/H this evening and he admits to the lack of interest going back for seven years. That is about the time he had a disabling injury. But, I can recall problems and conversations as far back as 14 years. When we were first married, he told me about one day at the base (military) and all the young guys talking about the best sex they ever had. When they asked him he simply replied with "I married it", I believe he ment it. When we do ML it is earth shattering. We always said that the bedroom was the one place we didn't have problems. The only problem is acually getting him to the bedroom. At least 95% of the time he sleeps on the couch, even when our marriage is doing well. I think we miss alot of opportunities to ML or feel close because of proximity. You can't rollover in the middle of the night or early in the morning and just let things happen naturally. There is no chance for him to get into the mood, unless he's already interested. If he wakes up in the middle of the night it's a shorter walk to the computer and a lot less effort to take care of himself than to show interest in me. I have alot of internal struggles with self esteem, I often feel like I'm fighting with his opinion of me, and who I want to be. I've been to counseling for myself, about 4 years ago I went through a very bad depression with thoughts of suicide. We were in marriage counseling at the time which was absolutely horrible. each week there would be something new I would have to change or work on (which was fine, I am very willing to work on me) After about 5 sessions together I was given the homework of yell at the kids less and to show H how I do the finances. After these few sessions where I had to work on something new and again H had no homework. I asked what his homework should be. When I suggested the he stop writting love letters to women on the internet, the counselor said "Well he must have needs that aren't being met at home." So again I faithfully did my homework and no expectations were put upon him. And get this, he's the one that ended going to counseling.
There has been a constant struggle throughout our marriage with he loves me, he loves me not. I try to use "I" statements and let him know how I feel about issues in our marriage. To the extent that one argument began with me saying "I feel- and being cut off with a burst from him of "You feel, you feel, everybody knows how you feel" I then told him that's great, but nobody knows how you feel and I've obviously been really bad at guessing. Then as usual a quick exit by H.
I feel completely undesirable. Once about 10 yrs ago I was out dancing with my friends (an uncommon occurence) and when a mutual friend of my H and I kissed me I completely freaked out. I quickly left the club and cried hysterically. I couldn't believe that someone could have any interest in me.
I think that his lack of affection and running hot then cold, stems from a fear of intimacy. I use to love rollercoasters but now they just give me a headache. There have been so many ups and downs in our marriage, either begging or ending with sexual problems, that I also wonder if it's all been worth it. I have experienced every emotion because of our sex life.
I have recently considered an affair, I actually went on a date with this OM. We met for a drink after work. No, I do not work with him. I just can't do it. He walked me to my car and asked me if I was sure this is what I want to do? I said that I'm not sure of anything anymore. He said he wasn't going to pressure me and that he wanted all of me and would wait til I knew for sure. I haven't talked to him since that night. I just got in my car and drove home.
Reading over what I've written, I must sound like an unstable person. I wasn't always so scared and pathetic. My H's brother and I are very close. He says he really misses that 19yr old girl that could stop the world when she wanted to. I have to agree that I miss her to.
