I hope to find some answers here. We just recovered from my H wanting to move out. He said all the classic MLC lines ie. I'm not in love with you anymore, we've grown apart, we have nothing in common, we fight about everything, we are exact opposites, etc. He decided to stay about a month ago. We have been reading DR and DB, especially the part about falling back "in love". We are doing a lot better communicating but dreadful in the bedroom. We have been together 16 years and the first 7 of those were a honeymoon. We made love almost every night and it was mutually satisfying on all levels. Our M was the envy of all our friends. Two people couldn't have been more connected or in love than we were.
He returned from a 6 month Navy deployment the end of '97 and things never got back to what they were. There were some tragedies that happened here while the ship was away. He came home and expected to take up right where he left off. I was different and upset with him for not understanding my changes. I went on anti-depressents and didn't realize what an impact they had on libido. We started having less sex. This went on for 3-4 years. I stopped the AD's and my libido returned.
At this point H wasn't interested anymore. He said that he got tired of being turned down and just got used to not having sex. I was upset by this, but could understand it. I tried talking about it to him, but it didn't seem like it mattered. We were only having sex occasionally and only if I initiated it. Most of the time I got turned down. I couldn't believe it was the same man I married who wanted sex all the time.
I had been up and down with my weight all my adult life. At this point I was up. He told me he didn't desire me because of my weight. So I lost 30 pounds and he still didn't want me.
In 2002 We transferred to a new duty station and the master bedroom was on the second floor. He said he didn't want to sleep up there because it was hot. I'm always cold, he's always hot. He moved downstairs and left the windows open all night. It was freezing down there and I couldn't sleep, so I stayed upstairs.
I did everything I could think of to make him happy and proud of me so he would want me. We had the prettiest house, the best parties, entertained his superiors. I was always trying new recipes, he loves my cooking. But nothing I did was ever enough. He still didn't want me in bed.
I would say to him that I wanted him to come and visit me tonight. He would say not tonight, tomorrow night. I felt like it took him 24 hours to get psyched up for ML. We still had great sex - when we had it - maybe once a month.
We bought our "retirement" home in North Carolina while he still had a year left in the Navy. I moved and he stayed in New Jersey to finish his Navy career. We saw each other at least twice a month and seemed to have as much sex as time would allow.
When he retired and moved into our home we slept together for just a short while. He said my snoring kept him awake so he moved into the guest room. I went to the doctor and did the sleep study to see if I have sleep apnea - which I do - and am in the process of getting that resolved. In the mean time we haven't had sex for 6 months. The last time we did have sex, I could tell he was forcing himself to do it. It was physically satisfying, but emotionally empty. I felt like a hooker, used..........and like the most undesireable woman on the planet.
That's when all this crap came up about him moving out. Since he decided to stay we have talked about my sexual issues and he says he can't just have sex with me, it has to be love. And he is not in love with me. He is just sitting back waiting for the "magical" feeling of love to spontaneous come back. I am at a loss as to what to do. I have told him I am not going to pressure him to have sex, when he's ready, he'll come to me. But I do need other forms of physical touch. Just last night I told him we could just lay in bed together and cuddle. I told him to try it, he might like it.
All this from a man who said one of the reasons he married me was because I loved sex. I have told him "guess what, I still love sex" Honestly I would be happy for once a week, maybe once every 2 weeks. This last dry spell has got me cranky, angry, frustrated, lonely, you name it, I've been through all the emotions. I refuse to let it bother my self esteem. I work out, I'm a good weight, I take care of myself. Learned how to GAL and am really enjoying everything else about my life.
It's more than the sex, I just want to feel connected to my H. I want to feel loved and desired as a woman. I need physical touch to feel special. All the things he could do before but not now. Why???? Now all I get is the kiss goodbye in the morning and good night. The same way you would kiss a child. It makes me so sad. He just seems to have one excuse after another. His parents sleep in seperate rooms and have for years. He may think that's normal and OK. I told him it's not OK for me. The first 7 years we wouldn't dream of going to bed without the other no matter what time it was or what was going on.
How do you go about getting testerone checked? His yearly physical is coming up and I can suggest that. I know for females it is a saliva test collected at home and mailed in. I am in the peri-menopause stage and can't even be irrational about anything. It would freak H out and send him running, I'm afraid. I am having to keep myself in check at all times. It's exhausting.
I am so looking forward to Michele's book. It is so frustrating finding something to read about SSW. It's always about the man............
Thanks for listening, it feels good to vent. Shels
Lou was kind enough to start my thread for me, since I couldn't figure out how to do it . Come talk to me on "Dreadful in the bedroom, shelsray's thread" so I don't use this one.
Thank you for posting this. I just joined today and I'm hoping to divorce proof my marriage. The issue you are asking about is a big problem in my relationship with my H. Add that to insecurities about the affair he had in the not-so-long-ago past and you have a pretty mad wife here. I have a high sex drive. During the affair he was having, my H did not seem to want anything to do with me intimately. Now, after the affair has ended, still he has no interest. We've talked openly about the problem and still no resolution at all in sight for either of us. I'll want to make love with him and he just says "I don't want it." and rolls over and falls asleep or pretends to. I'm 45 years old, in good shape physically and keep myself up. It isn't so much the sex for me, it is the closeness too. After being rejected every night this week I'm getting to the point of intense anger which is sparked by the hurt I feel at his "Not wanting it". It tends to make me wonder what I've done to deserve such treatment and it makes me wonder on many points of why he doesn't seem to want me or be attracted to me. It hurts like H*&^. I would be much more understanding of this situation if he would show some affection towards me instead of just blatantly rejecting me, but he doesn't. At this point I'm really wondering if our marriage can be saved at all. I've been working on all of my issues all through out his affair, and the issues we have in common as well to no avail. He works on the relationship only for a brief amount of time only to get me off his back or so it appears to me. Any help I can get, I'll gladly accept.
I consider myself a "sex starved wife". But...not because my H doesn't have a strong sexual desire for me but because my attraction to him is missing. We have been married for 15+ years. It has been an issue for a long, long time. He doesn't know this. He feels that I'm "frigid". But, the truth is I want a sensual relationship desperately...just not with him. How does this situation get repaired? How/when did we go wrong? Is anyone else living with this kind of situation? Me
I'm going to start you a thread over on the Sex Starved Marriage BB's. You'll fit right in over there...you are what we refer to as a LD woman (Low-Desire). You'll be relieved to know....you aren't alone and there are some really great people over there that will be happy to listen and give you feedback.
I've been lurking and waiting patiently. Where's the book?
I have read all your posts and I so identify with what you say. I picture NOPkin as a caped crusader; complete with tights and a cape. There's a big A on the chest with a line through it, like the no smoking sign!
I might be the one who gets the prize for the longest SSM. 33yrs and counting. Admittedly, it would be a booby prize! My experience is that it never gets any better and my heartfelt and worthless advice to those of you who are not yet committed to your sexless significant others is simple. Pack your panties and run! Like the wind!
It's too late for me to follow my own advice. I am old now. If we split up over this it's not likely I would ever find anyone else. So, I would just end up sex starved and poor. I have never had an affair of the head or the heart. I have been the most loyal(or stupid) person I know. In a last-ditch effort to change things, I told my husband I had no intention of dying without having sex and I would have oral sex at least once before I tipped over. I got his standard response that things would get better and we would work on it. Yeah. Right. Sure. IN WHAT DECADE? Yup, I am old, bitter, and angry. With myself more than anyone else.
My apologies to NOPkin but if I ever have the opportunity to have an affair, I will. Everyone deserves sex a few times in their life and I'm just human too. I even told my husband in advance.
So why did I stay married all these years? Other than his sex/intimacy issues, my husband is a wonderful man. People think we have a perfect marriage. We have traveled and seen the world. We are the best of friends. We enjoy each other's company. But for me, it's not enough. Should it be enough?
I don't think my husband has ever wanted sex. We once spent 2 weeks in Tahiti, the most romantic place on the planet. No phone, no TV, no computer, no work. No sex either! What's it like to be wanted and desired? I'll probably never know.
My best wishes to all of you. I hope you are successful and happy.
RE virginwife 33yrs and counting. It's too late for me to follow my own advice. I am old now. If we split up over this it's not likely I would ever find anyone else. So, I would just end up sex starved and poor
virginwife, I have been married 38 years. Do you think a guy my age in not interested in sex??? Think again.
I might believe the poor part but depending on the guy, the sex starved part is not a universal outcome.
I am not advocating you do anything but want to point out the myth that once past a certain age, everyone becomes sexless. Not true.
It's not age that is the culprit, it's medical condition.
Do you want to start a thread? We could use some more posters like you. Lillieperl is 57, I am 62.
Ben Franklin and J. S. Bach were fathering children in their 80's. I didn't mean to infer that sexuality, capability, or interest in sex, 'died' at any certain age. I should have been more clear. Statistically speaking, an unattached female in her 50's doesn't have much chance of finding a significant other.
If I didn't believe in the whole GAL idea, I would be a basket case. I am 51yo, can run 10 miles, kayak the rainforest, and rappel down a cliff. I work hard and I am proud of my accomplishments. There's only one area of my life that's a total failure. It could be worse.
. Come talk to me on "Dreadful in the bedroom, shelsray's thread" so I don't use this one.