I hope to find some answers here. We just recovered from my H wanting to move out. He said all the classic MLC lines ie. I'm not in love with you anymore, we've grown apart, we have nothing in common, we fight about everything, we are exact opposites, etc. He decided to stay about a month ago. We have been reading DR and DB, especially the part about falling back "in love". We are doing a lot better communicating but dreadful in the bedroom. We have been together 16 years and the first 7 of those were a honeymoon. We made love almost every night and it was mutually satisfying on all levels. Our M was the envy of all our friends. Two people couldn't have been more connected or in love than we were.
He returned from a 6 month Navy deployment the end of '97 and things never got back to what they were. There were some tragedies that happened here while the ship was away. He came home and expected to take up right where he left off. I was different and upset with him for not understanding my changes. I went on anti-depressents and didn't realize what an impact they had on libido. We started having less sex. This went on for 3-4 years. I stopped the AD's and my libido returned.
At this point H wasn't interested anymore. He said that he got tired of being turned down and just got used to not having sex. I was upset by this, but could understand it. I tried talking about it to him, but it didn't seem like it mattered. We were only having sex occasionally and only if I initiated it. Most of the time I got turned down. I couldn't believe it was the same man I married who wanted sex all the time.
I had been up and down with my weight all my adult life. At this point I was up. He told me he didn't desire me because of my weight. So I lost 30 pounds and he still didn't want me.
In 2002 We transferred to a new duty station and the master bedroom was on the second floor. He said he didn't want to sleep up there because it was hot. I'm always cold, he's always hot. He moved downstairs and left the windows open all night. It was freezing down there and I couldn't sleep, so I stayed upstairs.
I did everything I could think of to make him happy and proud of me so he would want me. We had the prettiest house, the best parties, entertained his superiors. I was always trying new recipes, he loves my cooking. But nothing I did was ever enough. He still didn't want me in bed.
I would say to him that I wanted him to come and visit me tonight. He would say not tonight, tomorrow night. I felt like it took him 24 hours to get psyched up for ML. We still had great sex - when we had it - maybe once a month.
We bought our "retirement" home in North Carolina while he still had a year left in the Navy. I moved and he stayed in New Jersey to finish his Navy career. We saw each other at least twice a month and seemed to have as much sex as time would allow.
When he retired and moved into our home we slept together for just a short while. He said my snoring kept him awake so he moved into the guest room. I went to the doctor and did the sleep study to see if I have sleep apnea - which I do - and am in the process of getting that resolved. In the mean time we haven't had sex for 6 months. The last time we did have sex, I could tell he was forcing himself to do it. It was physically satisfying, but emotionally empty. I felt like a hooker, used..........and like the most undesireable woman on the planet.
That's when all this crap came up about him moving out. Since he decided to stay we have talked about my sexual issues and he says he can't just have sex with me, it has to be love. And he is not in love with me. He is just sitting back waiting for the "magical" feeling of love to spontaneous come back. I am at a loss as to what to do. I have told him I am not going to pressure him to have sex, when he's ready, he'll come to me. But I do need other forms of physical touch. Just last night I told him we could just lay in bed together and cuddle. I told him to try it, he might like it.
All this from a man who said one of the reasons he married me was because I loved sex. I have told him "guess what, I still love sex" Honestly I would be happy for once a week, maybe once every 2 weeks. This last dry spell has got me cranky, angry, frustrated, lonely, you name it, I've been through all the emotions. I refuse to let it bother my self esteem. I work out, I'm a good weight, I take care of myself. Learned how to GAL and am really enjoying everything else about my life.
It's more than the sex, I just want to feel connected to my H. I want to feel loved and desired as a woman. I need physical touch to feel special. All the things he could do before but not now. Why???? Now all I get is the kiss goodbye in the morning and good night. The same way you would kiss a child. It makes me so sad. He just seems to have one excuse after another. His parents sleep in seperate rooms and have for years. He may think that's normal and OK. I told him it's not OK for me. The first 7 years we wouldn't dream of going to bed without the other no matter what time it was or what was going on.
How do you go about getting testerone checked? His yearly physical is coming up and I can suggest that. I know for females it is a saliva test collected at home and mailed in. I am in the peri-menopause stage and can't even be irrational about anything. It would freak H out and send him running, I'm afraid. I am having to keep myself in check at all times. It's exhausting.
I am so looking forward to Michele's book. It is so frustrating finding something to read about SSW. It's always about the man............
Thanks for listening, it feels good to vent. Shels
