Just found this site and I was wondering .. have written the book yet Michelle?
I am another one but the more I think about it the more I feel I am intimacy starved even more then sex starved.
I have a feeling the lack of our love making is just a symptom of his avoidance of intimacy which to me means closeness, deep sharing between two people.
Sex I have finally figured out is not the same thing as making love. ML is something that is on a much more intimate level.
See, even though I very much enjoy "sex", I have been living almost w/o it for years. (once every 1-2 months). I find that if my husband can at least hold me before falling to sleep, sitting with me on the couch while we watch a show, hold my hand when we are out, give me hugs spontaneously etc. I can live completely w/o sex. (Or do my own fulfillment in that area) .
When I get none of that and no sex (which I have falsely used as a replacement for love making) is when we have an issue.
As far as sex goes, when we do have it is is usually fantastic when inhibitions are down (I wake him up in the middle of the night in a special way). I think that this is because we are having sex not making love.
I am a very sexy person, I don't mean to sound vain but I look really good and I know that sexy is also an attitude. My husband is kind of old fashioned but open minded too. I know he loves me dearly but I think it is hard for him to see me as a sexy person and the proper wife he loves at the same time. It makes him uncomfortable when I act even mildly provocative. So we can have really good SEX when he is sleepy or whatever but not in full awareness.
And as for the intimacy concern as far as I know we never "make love". I don't know that we ever did.
So I am just starting to explore this angle but I have a feeling that the inhibitions to get truly close to me on my husbands part are what keeps us from making love and being intimate. And a whole separate issue of him seeing me as wanton if I act sexy keeps us from having sex!
We have discussed it but as a SEX issue. We have never gotten anything out of discussing it but hurt feelings and lame excuses.
It is only recently that I have realized it is more then that. I just explained my feelings about the intimacy to him and he says he understands and we are going to make things better so I will keep you updated.
Hi Vicky- you're in the right place among people who truly understand your situation. Suggest you start a new thread and copy and paste your first post into it. You'll find many like-minded individuals and several women who are in the same pickle you're in.
This is a very painful topic. I believe the cause is my husband's depression. I feel much better about myself since I went for therapy. Before that, I was sure that is was my fault. He has an ever-ready excuse: the kids will hear (if awake), the kids will wake up (if they are asleep, the kids may want to use the bathroom (next to our bedroom)and the biggest excuse of all, the ever-exciting TV program.
I can go into greater detail if you e-mail me, as I am not comfortable discussing certain things on a forum.
Judy, I assure you that you are completely anonymous here.... you're welcome to start a thread of your own below and we'll be glad to hear about your sitch and give solicited or unsolicited advice. Go ahead and come out of the shadows-- EVERYONE here knows what you're going through from first hand experience. The thing about waking the kids-- many have said the same thing. And if you feel that you're odd because you're the W who wants more sex than your H-- you're in ample company among the women here.
So, please take a chance on us-- keep all identifying details out of your posts. Change names (most of us don't use partners' names or names of children), don't say where you live, and I promise you, no one will ever know who you are.
Time to reach out, girlfriend, and take some friendly hands that are reaching out to you! It's a very tiny risk, and you may find it's worth it.
I have read these posts all day. I really need to be working but I have wrestled with the issue almost my entire marriage. I am only 31 married to a man who is 7-years my senior and became aware of his LD 6-months into our marriage. At first things were great. Even though he worked nights and I worked days, our sex life was great. We did it at least 3-4 times a week and then it just stopped. At first it was because he was so tired, exhausted, fatigued. He took a new job and traveled 80% of the time. He would still give me cards to tell me loved me and thanked me for my patience so I was able to manage. Then that stopped, he was no longer apologetic, it was what it was and I spent many nights crying myself to sleep. Not only would he not touch me anymore but he would refuse my attempts to initiate. My self esteem was so low, yet I was constantly hearing from other men how lucky my husband was to have me and how he must be chasing a beautiful young bride like me around the house. It made me hurt so much! Why did these men who were strangers find me so attractive yet I could not even get my own husband to touch me. It was not just the sex, he did not hold my hand, kiss me, or hug me anymore. Any and all forms of affection were intiated by me and not always reciprocated. When I tried to talk to him about it, he would say he knew it was a problem and even impacted his first marrige-yet almost 4 years later, it has not changed.
When my H found out I was PG, the weirdest thing happened-our sex life improved. But that was short lived, he didn't touch me from the time I was 6-months PG until our baby was about 3 months old. For awhile it was Ok, since the baby my sex drive was lower and I was so tired that his LD didn't bother me.
Now the baby is 18 months old and things are back to normal. I lost not only the baby weight but an extra 5 lbs and am smaller today then I have ever been in my life.
I feel so sexy, I love my new body and get lots of attention from other men-but my H acts as if he doesn't notice. I had a great sex life before we were married with my ex- I even find myself fantasizing about it.I bought some toys to help me manage my drive-but haven't even taken them out of the package. Why do I have to resort to this? Isn't this what I have a husband for? I am angry, hurt, confused, saddened and ashamed.
I hear so many women complain about their H's HSD. I wish I had that problem. I want my marriage to work for our children but I am feeling so lonely. There is no affection at all and when we do have sex it lasts for only a couple of minutes. There is no foreplay, no kissing, no other stimulation than trying to ram it in. I feel no connection with my H, I am depressed all the time. Cry everyday. About 3 momths ago my H got a vasectomy-he told me he thinks it will help him-it has not improved anything.
I think about having an affair all the time. I am so starved for affection and attention that it overwhelms me. I feel like the woman in me is dying but I do not know how to tell my H. I am afraid if I tell him how I feel he will get angry. I know we make a choice to be happy but I didn't choose an empty marriage-he chose it for me.
I hear all the stories about how my H was such a ladies man and a player when he was in college. He even told me that he didn't have it in him anymore because he has sex so much before me. It seems so cold and unfair, he doesn't even care how it makes me feel. I am at a lost and afraid I will turn from my marriage to get love I so desperately need. -V
By the way. Is there any SSW out there with some suggestions on what has worked for them? How does a HDW keeps her sanity and self-esteem in tact with LDH? Are we just resigned to a unfullfilled and empty sex life?
Welcome aboard this leaky boat, VLeigh (BTW, I loved you in Gone with the Wind! )-- I urge you to copy your whole post and start a thread of your own below. Just click where it says "post." Usually there isn't any real dialogue in this thread-- it's just where people land when they finally find this place, and find out with relief that they're not crazy and that they're not alone.
Your post broke my heart, and it was so familiar... you'll find many like-minded, helpful people here, with some solid advice.
This part
Quote: I hear all the stories about how my H was such a ladies man and a player when he was in college. He even told me that he didn't have it in him anymore because he has sex so much before me.
REALLY hurts...
Please stick around... you're among people who understand.
I first noticed the problem after 2 months into my relationship. My husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) went from being quite passionate to wanting sex only once every 2-3 weeks (and stopped kissing me altogether). Seven years later that doesn't seem so bad because now we're down to 2-4 times A YEAR and he still doesn't kiss me.
At first I was confused and kept asking him what was wrong, whether it was something I was doing or neglecting to do. He always said it was because he was tired or stressed. I accepted this for some time and told myself to be patient.
But a change in jobs, the removal of stresses, and a move across the country to his dream city changed nothing. As the years(!) went by I became frustrated and terribly angry. I began to nitpick him to death about not picking up after himself, about forgetting things..you name it. I didn't reflect on why I was doing this and never made the connection.
I also became depressed and went into counseling but STILL didn't tie it to his withholding of affection and intimacy. I wonder now why I married him given how unimportant, inferior, unloved, and rejected I've felt all these years. Clearly, my self-esteem had taken a real beating and I didn't think I could do any better. I'm sad at all the time I wasted feeling hurt, rejected, unattracted, and ashamed. I desperately want closeness and physical intimacy. I'm 33 now and can't imagine a life of (near) celibacy. We have a child now (I know the exact date of conception because it was one of the 3 times we had sex that year) so I want this to work out but I don't feel hopeful.
Welcome, Jasmine... sorry you have reason to be here, but you're with people who truly understand what you're going through. I suggest you copy your whole post and open a new thread for yourself below (click on "post") so that you can enter the discussion. Michele's thread is mostly where people just introduce themselves.
Your story, alas, is a familiar one to many of the women here... again, welcome.
Welcome. You are amongst very caring people who will give you the best advice they can if you want it. I would suggest starting your own thread with your story. Just copy this one and post under the SSM board.
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
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