I've posted a few times on this thread but I wanted to give an update.
A month ago I found out the main reason I had been living as a sex starved wife. I orignally thought I was dealing with someone who had a history with women that had torn down his self esteem....and that truly simply didn't have a sex drive (because intially that's what I'd been told). My H, I found out a few weeks ago had actually all along been participating on adult website where people go to hook up....or live out sexual fantasies....our entire M. He'd been expending all of his sexual energy towards "fantasy objects". Let me tell you this hurt as bad as if I had just found out my H had been having a PA with someone else. It was such a betrayal and such a massive breach of trust.
I had been working for 2.5 years towards what I thought was a common goal for both of us only to find out....I had been wasting my time. I had been working my butt off, trying to be understanding of the excuses he handed me....all the while he knew he was visiting websites, chatting with women, e-mailing, and had been viewing their live porn video downloads....and lying to my face about it.
Naturally when I found out about it I didn't take it all that well. I confronted him about it and FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY....we are really making progress.
Why did my H choose to take that route for his sexual fulfillment rather than coming to me, his sex starved wife? It was less threatening, it couldn't hurt him.....I could. Even though I was begging my husband at home for sexual attention he didn't really believe that what I told him I wanted, I truly wanted. In his mind only "sluts" wanted what I was asking for and he viewed me as someone he respected, loved, revered....so I couldn't possibly be someone who "would do those things!". It's the whole whore/madonna thing. He married the woman he could look up to, someone he respected and loved....but would never defile. You only "defile" those you don't really care for.
Since then my H has come to see that the whore/madonna can live in one woman and that he is married to that woman. We are truly finally beginning to make real progress in our M now that I've blown the lid off of his dirty little secret....and accepted him for what he was wanting sexually. The sad thing is, what he was wanting, what he was fantasizing about....was in me all along, he just didnn't believe it. So I spent years having to suppress that side of myself. No longer.
He hid his sexual side away from me because he thought it would disgust/repel me....when in reality what he wanted, is what I wanted too.
Now unfortunately we are having to deal with the reprocussions of all of the lying and the breach of trust due to his online activities. We will eventually get past this, and he's absolutely willing to do what it takes to rebuild my trust. It's just sad to me that it took something so hurtful/so drastic to bring us closer together. Since I found out what I did we've been much closer. He's more open to talking to me, we've literally had more sex in the past month than we had our entire M...and the EC is definitely building. Here's hoping that things keep improving.
