I don’t know if this forum is a place for me because I’m not married yet, but I am going through the same experiences now in my current relationship. We have been living together in our new home for six months and I’m already “sex starved.” We have been together for two years and this October will be a year we’re engaged, and getting married this May.
I am always the one to initiate sex and the only time it’s good is when I take full control and I feel nothing coming from him. I feel so empty. When he initiates it’s brief and then he stops and waits for me to do the rest. I think he focuses more on his performance to please me than on the emotions that will un-zipper that special place in a woman’s heart.
We have been working with a therapist for the past year and we got nowhere. During our sessions, an acceptance, a compatibility and identity issue came up. This really has confused me even more. My own therapist said, “Maybe he needs someone that does not require the intense passion you crave.” This sent me over the edge and we both stop going to therapy.
We have talked about it and we’re both aware. The only thing I was able to get out of him was that sex is not the most important thing in a relationship, that he is afraid of me and that he is always tired. Meanwhile, I’m feeling like crap. I don’t see his desire shining through his eyes anymore and the heat that once came from his soul when we first met.
My fear is that this is going to continue after we get married. I’m already feeling my powerful passion that has always motivated me to do anything in this world is dwindling. I don’t know if I should leave, end the engagement, or is there any hope for us.
I’m going to purchase your book The Sex Staved Marriage. Hope to chat soon.
"Fear can move a soul into taking responsibility or live by default in fear."
Beau, welcome aboard this leaky boat. You do belong here. I'm not married either (have no plans to be, but live with my bf of three years). Suggest you start your own thread below and others will join in the discussion.
If you've been reading this board for a while, you will see that most of the participants have been married for many years and have been struggling with this issue for a long time.
Be prepared to have the long-time-marrieds ask you why you plan to marry this person when you already know you are incompatible in this important area. I know, we keep hoping things will improve.
I don't care for your therapist's implication that there's something wrong with you wanting to share sexual passion with your partner. But the point is well made-- maybe each of you would be happier in the long run with someone whose sexual needs were a better match.
michele- thank you for addressing this problem! i am very new to this site but not to this issue. in a nutshell, when my H and i got together i was very HD and he was very LD, but we were very young. i thought i would just change that part of him because he was a man after all, and aren't all men really HD? of course now i know that you can't change people, but now we have 14 years of relationship and kids. our previous separation went pretty well (we reconciled) and therapy went well too, with thte exception of H not following through with the sexual issue solutions. he was willing to do everything else, and said the right things about his sexual issues but has not actually followed through on them. i hate to nag and he is so uncomfortable talking about our sex life. i have gone through years of depression, weight gain, self loathing, and self denying. the things that i want from a R are not things that i think it is realistic to ask of him. so what next?
Wow! What a blessing. I thought I was all alone. My husband and I have been working on this issue for 3 years now. I am so glad to know there is a book that deals with it. You can bet I will be purchasing that! At this point, I am desperate to try anything. I told my husband the other night I felt like I had 3 options. 1. I could live in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life (I am only 26) 2. I could have an affair. 3. I could get a divorce. None of those options are going to work for me, so anything is better than nothing! One good thing is that my husband is dedicated to going to counseling. He says he wants this to change as much as I do, but only time will tell. Again- thanks so much for this forum. What a life saver. My self esteem has been in the dumps because of this!
Stacie and makenice- please join the discussion on the board by starting a thread below with a brief summary of your story. Everyone here is in a similar sitch and there is a lot of good advice, good conversation, and support to be found in the group.
Welcome aboard-- and sorry you have reason to be here...
It IS nice to find out that you're not the only one, isn't it? I certainly felt that way when I discovered this board. When I posted on other board's about my bf's lack of interest in sex, all I got was advice about "acting sexier" until finally the consensus was that he was nuts. Here, the people understand the nuances of a R that's troubled in the bedroom.
I've been a HD W married to a LD M for 18 years. The first 10 years it was a big issue and we fought about it alot. After that, I just got used to it and was thankful we ML at all. It was OK, but very scripted. H has been treated for depression after we sep last spring. His meds brought on an increase in the passion and his level of desire. It's been amazing But now, unfortunately, the LD is back again, and I think it's worse. He said he used to at least feel h*rny at times, but the last month, not so much. I'm hoping it's something physical or a side effect of his meds. He said that he desires me and wants a healthy sex life.. that's a start. We have a lot to work out between us.. this is just one issue. But, it takes it's toll to be a woman who thinks their H isnt attracted to you. Especially when there are so many men around who feel differently, it's hard not to wonder whats wrong with my H... what's wrong with me? Also, when we were just ML a couple of times a month, I started to withdraw and deny my sexuality. I've decided now though, that it's OK for H to have his level of desire, but it's also OK for me to have needs. We might never ML as much as I'd like, but I'll still explore my sexuality and find ways to pleasure myself. I'll not let that part of who I am die just to keep peace in my M or because I feel guilty about my needs. Might take a lot of batteries, but so be it!
Hi, I'm new here. H and I are working through our problems still. He was very hd when I first knew him. I think H has been retreating to punish me for a long time. We quit being affectionate probably because we weren't taking time out together. I had a hard time keeping the balance of our relationship with taking care of the kids and I can see now that I took a lot for granted. One reason he started sleeping on the couch was to avoid pregnancy, I think. Now he's made an appointment to get a vas consult without talking to me about it. I don't believe in those operations personally. I would even consider using some other form of BC, but since we haven't discussed it much I feel he will just do it regardless of what I think. Then, I don't know, he thinks he can do that then just jump back into our bed for sex? I don't think so. We'll see what happens. I have missed having sex a lot and H should know that I'm not able to get pregnant right now anyway. So I feel he is sleeping on the couch as punishment.
Hi Michelle. I am a HD 26 year old woman. I have been with my 39 year old LD fianceefor almost two years. I read your book this week in desperation ( I found the book at my local library ). My guy (not sure how to address him) and I have been struggling with this issue since the fourth month after we started dating. Our sex life went from about 5 days a week in the honeymoon period to once a week, and now we average 1 to 2 times a month.
I read your book and I don't see a magic solution in it for us. Our relationship is great except for this problem. I generally don't have any self-esteem issues, but as a result of feeling rejected by the one I love I am acquiring new things to loath myself about on a regular basis. I can't understand why if "everything" is going great in our relationship, how come my guy isn't interested in me sexually. I am not unattractive. In all honesty I have to fight men off all the time. I work in the casino gaming industry and men make advances towards me nightly. I don't want the attention of other men, I want the attention of the one I love and adore. I don't know what else to do. We've had major fights over this on many occasions. I have threatened to leave him over this because I don't know what else to do.
My fiance started reading the Sex Starved Marriage with me (I finished it, he's a third done) and I see it as a great first step and a sign that he cares about this issue. He said that the book has made him realize how serious the issue is. He finally acknowledged how I feel (rejected, worthless, unattractive, weepy,..) after reading other women feel the same way in the book. I replied, "I've been telling you this for almost two years!," (not angrily). He replied, "it hit home when I read it in a big book." I also told my fiancee that I'm an affair waiting to happen and I think that woke him up a bit.
However, my fiancee just isn't a sexual person (he says). I always initiate sex and I do most if not all of the work. I give oral, he hasn't reciprocated in over a year. All his organs work fine. I asked him to get his testosterone checked. He agreed to go but hasn't scheduled an appointment.
So, I realize that since he is reading the book and has agreed to work on the problem (rather than blaming it on how busy I am--I told him I always have time for him and will drop anything for a romp) we're moving in the right direction. The wheels of change have started to move but I'm not sure if the problem can be resolved. I don't feel that confidant after reading at the end of the book that change does not always occur. We went to bed last night and I was really hoping to ML and he asked me "Wanna mess around tomorrow night?" In a way I felt rejected but on the other hand he was tired and at least was making some effort. I replied, "I guess so," and he got a little defensive and I explained that I didn't want to put pressure on him and make him feel obligated if I excitedly said yes. Anyway, I have come to this board out of desperation and I hope to gain some insight but sharing with all of you.
Welcome, luvs. You're with people who understand. Sorry you have reason to be with us. I could have written many of the elements of your post. I'm also not married to the guy in question, and he also kind of sees that this is a problem, but so far, in three years, I haven't seen much improvement. All of the other stuff in our relationship is pretty much everything I have ever wanted in a man. Right now I'm trying to decide if I can just live without sex.
Michele's thread is usually where people introduce themselves. So please start a new thread below and no doubt others will enter in to the conversation.
"Apologize: If you regularly rejected his sexual advances in the past, this may be a major factor in his lack of interest now. Maybe it's retaliation, but it's more likely he's put his sexual energies into something else (work or hobby) and is not interested in changing. He may be afraid you will lose interest again, and then he would get hurt all over. Or maybe he just got so burned out by sexual rejection that his sex drive just died.
If there is a significant ongoing disagreement between the two of you this can also harm his desire/ability to be sexual with you. Hurt feelings may continue even after something is resolved or buried, so past problems could be an issue too. If he feels you take him for grated, don't respect him, or expect unreasonable things from him, these can all hurt his sex life with you."
I don’t know if this forum is a place for me because I’m not married yet, but I am going through the same experiences now in my current relationship. 
We have been living together in our new home for six months and I’m already “sex starved.” We have been together for two years and this October will be a year we’re engaged, and getting married this May.
But now, unfortunately, the LD is back again, and I think it's worse. He said he used to at least feel h*rny at times, but the last month, not so much. I'm hoping it's something physical or a side effect of his meds. He said that he desires me and wants a healthy sex life.. that's a start. We have a lot to work out between us.. this is just one issue. But, it takes it's toll to be a woman who thinks their H isnt attracted to you. Especially when there are so many men around who feel differently, it's hard not to wonder whats wrong with my H... what's wrong with me? Also, when we were just ML a couple of times a month, I started to withdraw and deny my sexuality. I've decided now though, that it's OK for H to have his level of desire, but it's also OK for me to have needs. We might never ML as much as I'd like, but I'll still explore my sexuality and find ways to pleasure myself. I'll not let that part of who I am die just to keep peace in my M or because I feel guilty about my needs. Might take a lot of batteries, but so be it! 