I hope you publish your book soon, because I am obviously in need of help. Well, here is my story.
My husband and I have been married for about 4 years, no children. We dated for only 8 months before we got married, since we knew each other years before and had a pretty good idea (I thought) of who we were marrying.
I have always been a HD woman, and the funny thing is that I always thought it was such and advantage, given the way most of my girlfriends talked about their sex maniac boyfriends and husband. I always thought they were insane when they said that they wouldn't allow their mates to ML more than a certain number of times a week. I was very confident, full of passion, no hang ups anywhere and ready. Even though I was such a HD woman, I keep myself pretty exclusive, no more than a couple of boyfriends and no casual lovers. I was proud of my self control (BTW cold showers did not work , but exercise did) creating all this expectations for when I finally settle down.
When I meet (for the second time) and fell in love with my husband, we only saw each other over the weekends because of work. We would spend the weekends at his place and from the beginning I noticed that there was something different. For example, after not seeing each other for 5 days, I was especting him to be very passionate and ML as soon as we stepped inside. But, that didn't happen. He would be the perfect boyfriend in all other aspects, and would respond to me initiating sex in the beginning. Then as time went by, there were some weekends that we would just sleep next to each other. At 2 months , I left his place in the middle of the night after I was rejected yet another time. How did I feel? hurt behond belief, angry...oh sooo very angry, so confused, and absolutely unsure of myself. We reconciliated after he promised me that he was going to work on this, and I believed him, I guess because I was so in love with him.
We got married and things got worse. We went from once a week to twice a month, to once every 5 weeks, to now , where we have not ML since December of last year.
In general, this situation has robbed me of my femininity, I actually fell like I have some "masculine" quality , that I am not desirable. I actually started to think that there was something wrong with me.
I fell so ashamed, since I can't tell this to no one, I have tried to let it be, to get used to this, but I became so unbearable, I would scream at him all the time, everything he did was some form of rejection. Now I fell paralized, I have tried to talk to him so many times, I have offered so many options, and he always starts with that there is nothing wrong, but then sees the opportunity to attach himself to some "anomaly" that I had suggested: maybe he was depressed, it is because of his stress, or he is tired, or that he hurt (take your pick of body parts) which is why he wasn't interested. Then it was because I was gaining weight (I also suggested that reason) when he actually agreed with me, I gained more weight, I coulnd't control this huge resentment that is eating at me.
Now, we are going to try again, he is taking care of some medical things he needed (we are in our early 30's for god sake!)so that he can be "all that he can be". I am so tired of feeling rejected, fell so disgusting, ugly, insecure of myself that I don't ever let him see even a little bit of me naked. I used to love to go to bed naked, now, I can't, because I know how unwelcome that would be.
And finally, I am sad, more sad than I though possible, because I see no hope and I don't know what to do. Or maybe I do, it is just that I don't know if I can do any of the good will fixes anymore.
