Tag: Would the explination have changed the outcome?
For my sitch, I guess I feel like I explain and explain and explain... he takes it as nagging when I keep bring up the subject. Which has come up about once a year for the 10 years we've been together. At what point do you give up?
~DN~
"I just want to live happily-ever-after every now and then." Jimmy Buffett
Hi Michele, I really, really need to read your book! Until I came across this website, I really thought that my problem was very unique. I have a very high sex drive and my husband has a very low one. We have sex about once a month, and only because I initiate it. We have discussed it, but we don't really get anywhere. It's not something he really wants to discuss. Although we lead really busy lives (we both have full time careers and we have 3 children). I am desperate to fix this situation. We love each other very much and love to be together, but my husband just isn't really interested in sex. What often happens when I try to initiate sex is that he will discreetly try to ignore what I am saying or doing. He just doesn't respond to what I am doing.
It has been this way since the beginning. On our honeymoon, I had planned to spend most of the time indoors thoroughly enjoying my husband. He wanted to go out and enjoy Cancun. We had sex about once (sometimes maybe twice) a week during the first four months of our marriage. Then, I got pregnant and the sex decreased and it has been decreasing ever since. I thought it was because of my changing body (it has changed quite a bit after 3 children), but even after a recent loss of almost 30 pounds, nothing has changed. If anything, it's worse still.
Well, there's my input. I can't wait to read this book! Good luck and blessings writing it.
Hello, I cannot wait for this book! I've always been HD. H does not care as much about it and says that I care about it too much. I am 36 and he is 34. He has a very physically demanding job which makes him tired and sore a lot. We have been separated a couple times and when we got back together, he was all gung ho and initiating, being passionate, and creative. Then as time goes on, it seems to fade away. I wonder if I have to go away (we were in the same house, just diff bedrooms) to get him to appreciate me again. I also discovered that he was using internet porn. I know some say that that is not a big deal, but when you have a hottie ready and waiting, it doesn't make sense. A lot of it, he says, has to do with the first few years of our r. I was very jealous, insecure, fearful, and I would get upset all the time. So, he said that he didn't want to have sex with me, so he would use porn as an outlet. He assured me a million times earlier in the r that he wouldn't be interested in other women and that if he was, he would leave.
Ok, so maybe I am naive, but I WANT to dedicate all of my sexual energy toward him and expect the same. I would love to be more flirtatious, passionate, and spontaneous, but I feel like I have to suppress those feelings and just accept it when I get it. I would enjoy looking at male porn and m'bing myself sometimes, but I feel resentful if I do, and somewhat guilty, b/c I want h's energy for me and would do the same for him. I wonder if I should take care of myself and deal with having sex less often than I would like. Not cheating, of course though.
I also quit my job half a year ago in effort to make more money so he could make a move which would require a pay cut. Well, my job isn't working out well, and I am making considerably less money. I am looking for a new f-t job and I am taking an additional p-t job to supplement my commission only job. So, I know that he partly resents me for this. And I resent him b/c he never wanted to join money with me. It's a big mess right now (financially). We've actually been getting along well for the past couple months. H initiated a D in May (again) but changed his mind.
You may get mad at me for saying this, but we do have sex about 3-4 times a week now. He has felt a lot better about our R, so he is more interested. I still would like it more and for there to be more spontaneity/variety, or even twice in one day! (Lack of variety has been one of his complaints, so I have made effort to get new toys or try something else, but he doesn't come up with much new stuff.) Doesn't seem fair to me.
I just don't know if we will ever be compatible in this area, so now we're hitting the typical biggies-money, sex, communication. I love him dearly and don't want our m to end...And, no, he won't go to MC.
Please help me understand. My husband and I have been married for 3 years and together for 11. We were very young when we started dating and have gone through a lot in our relationship. The last year or so has been very rocky. We started fighting all of the time and finally got to the point where he wanted to leave. It took that to make me realize what my part in this whole mess was. We both agreed after some convincing on my part that we would give counseling a try. However each time we go he repeats how he loves me but is not in love with me. He feels no sexual connection to me any longer and is not attracted to me. I am still attracted to him and look at him in that way. I feel I am a very attractive young person with a lot going for me in my life. I cant understand why he isnt attracted to me anymore. Is there anyway to get back the sparks. Can he find his way back to me?
M12 Kids 2 ILYBINILWY 08/05 Reconciled 05/06 S07/12 Moved back 03/13 Separated Again 06/24/13 Back Again (his choice) 02/14 Leaving again 03/23/14 DIVORCED 02/15
Hi, I understand why you posted here....but generally it's best to start your own thread. I'll be happy to help you do that if you'd like. You'll find many helpful/understanding people on these BB's...and starting your own thread will be the best way to receive feedback.
I hope you publish your book soon, because I am obviously in need of help. Well, here is my story.
My husband and I have been married for about 4 years, no children. We dated for only 8 months before we got married, since we knew each other years before and had a pretty good idea (I thought) of who we were marrying.
I have always been a HD woman, and the funny thing is that I always thought it was such and advantage, given the way most of my girlfriends talked about their sex maniac boyfriends and husband. I always thought they were insane when they said that they wouldn't allow their mates to ML more than a certain number of times a week. I was very confident, full of passion, no hang ups anywhere and ready. Even though I was such a HD woman, I keep myself pretty exclusive, no more than a couple of boyfriends and no casual lovers. I was proud of my self control (BTW cold showers did not work , but exercise did) creating all this expectations for when I finally settle down.
When I meet (for the second time) and fell in love with my husband, we only saw each other over the weekends because of work. We would spend the weekends at his place and from the beginning I noticed that there was something different. For example, after not seeing each other for 5 days, I was especting him to be very passionate and ML as soon as we stepped inside. But, that didn't happen. He would be the perfect boyfriend in all other aspects, and would respond to me initiating sex in the beginning. Then as time went by, there were some weekends that we would just sleep next to each other. At 2 months , I left his place in the middle of the night after I was rejected yet another time. How did I feel? hurt behond belief, angry...oh sooo very angry, so confused, and absolutely unsure of myself. We reconciliated after he promised me that he was going to work on this, and I believed him, I guess because I was so in love with him.
We got married and things got worse. We went from once a week to twice a month, to once every 5 weeks, to now , where we have not ML since December of last year.
In general, this situation has robbed me of my femininity, I actually fell like I have some "masculine" quality , that I am not desirable. I actually started to think that there was something wrong with me.
I fell so ashamed, since I can't tell this to no one, I have tried to let it be, to get used to this, but I became so unbearable, I would scream at him all the time, everything he did was some form of rejection. Now I fell paralized, I have tried to talk to him so many times, I have offered so many options, and he always starts with that there is nothing wrong, but then sees the opportunity to attach himself to some "anomaly" that I had suggested: maybe he was depressed, it is because of his stress, or he is tired, or that he hurt (take your pick of body parts) which is why he wasn't interested. Then it was because I was gaining weight (I also suggested that reason) when he actually agreed with me, I gained more weight, I coulnd't control this huge resentment that is eating at me.
Now, we are going to try again, he is taking care of some medical things he needed (we are in our early 30's for god sake!)so that he can be "all that he can be". I am so tired of feeling rejected, fell so disgusting, ugly, insecure of myself that I don't ever let him see even a little bit of me naked. I used to love to go to bed naked, now, I can't, because I know how unwelcome that would be.
And finally, I am sad, more sad than I though possible, because I see no hope and I don't know what to do. Or maybe I do, it is just that I don't know if I can do any of the good will fixes anymore.
msm, welcome aboard this leaky boat! There is an active and supportive community that reads this board and believe me, you are NOT alone in your situation. There are several HD women who post here whose situation is very much like yours (me included-- except that I'm not married to the guy). There are also HD men who post, and a few LD women-- but no LD men that I can think of.
I suggest that you start a thread below and summarize or copy and paste your story. The board is pretty slow over the weekend, but Monday and following, you will get replies.
Some of the things you describe are soooo familiar to me (and will be to the others, too). For example, I was gone to a conference for a week earlier this year and every night when I talked to my bf on the phone, he told me how much he missed me. I even got home a day late because weather caused me to miss my flight. Even so, my first night home, he sat up and watched tv til 2 in the morning like he always does instead of coming to bed with me!
He's in therapy and I'm satisfied with the rest of the R, so I'm optimistic at this point. But we're not married, still have our own houses, no kids, finances not mixed. Others here have been married for 10-20-30 years, kids, sometimes only one spouse working so financially dependent on each other-- very different sitch from mine but I'm sure elements you will be able to relate to.
Even if our advice doesn't help your situation a whole lot, it just feels good to know you're not the only one going through this. And I don't know you, but I can promise you that IT'S NOT YOU. It knocks your feelings of womanliness for a loop when your primary partner seems to be able to take you or leave you physically (this is something that the LD women on the board seem not to be able to relate to, but the HD women do). I repeat: It's Not You.
You are soooo not alone...I too am an HD woman married to an LD man. Please, please know...you aren't alone. I and several other women on these boards know EXACTLY how you feel.
Please start your own thread in order for us to keep track of you easier....and so you can have a fairly localized spot to go back and review people's feedback/ideas/suggestion.
If you aren't sure how to do that I'll be happy to help you out.
I have been reading your book SSM and I am truly thinking about divorcing my husband. We have been together for 11 years and his job is the #1 priority in his life.
His "job" is the reason he is too tired, or has to get up so early or he works 17 days in a row with out a break, so on and so fouth, etc. that doesn't allow us to have an initmate relationship; or so he says. (Keep in mind, HE is in charge of making the schedule!!!) I have been patience, I have purchased books, I have been to couseling and so has he and still NO improvement.
Frankly, I am TIRED of feeling bad, emotionally rejected, and physcially unfilled!!! I have never cheated on him, but the longer time goes on, I can't say that I am not tempted. Granted, I have not had any offers, but I have told my husband several times over the years that I do not want to hit the "point of no return"-- and that is exactly the point at which I am feeling right NOW.
I love him dearly and don't want our m to end...And, no, he won't go to MC. 
There is an active and supportive community that reads this board and believe me, you are NOT alone in your situation. There are several HD women who post here whose situation is very much like yours (me included-- except that I'm not married to the guy). There are also HD men who post, and a few LD women-- but no LD men that I can think of. 
