Thanks so much for your warm and supportive welcomes. I appreciate it very much. I will take your advice and start my own thread in the SSM forum.
In the meantime tho, csw, when you said "Don't even begin to think that her "lesbianism" is anything more than a front." Did you mean to give the H the benefit of the doubt because she may very well be a lesbian, or did you mean the lesbian story may be a front? I'm sorry...I'm feeling scattered and confused so thing's aren't registering for me clearly at the moment.
In answer to you questions: Yes, H has always been LD, even in the 1st M. When he was going thru his divorce he used to tell me about how his 1st W made an issue about his LD and subsequently she had an affair. I don't think he's ever had his testosterone levels checked. The specialist he saw checked only for "organic" evidence that may have been responsible for his LD. That came up nil and the specialist then implied that maybe I was the problem. Jerk.
And btw, unbeknownst to the H I've been checking his cell phone usage for at least 3 months now...and zilch. He'll go for days at a time or more without using it and then usually when he does it's because he called me on the way home from work or calls ahead to order sushi for take-out on the way home. I check very regularily to stay on top of it. I've also been checking his wallet and bank accounts on-line to keep track of money flow. Nothing has been out of line. So I'm thinking either I've been way off base or whatever may have gone on previously has now ceased because of my interference.
I'll save the rest of my babbling for my thread. Thanks once again people for being there. It means so much having someone to talk to about this as I've been keeping it all to myself. No family members or friends have any iota of an idea what's been going on and I wanted to keep it that way until I'm 100% certain and satisfied one way or the other.
Please excuse me, I am a very new member, new today as a matter of fact, however, I'm alittle confused, are you the H or the W? Because what you said made alot of sense to me, I'm the W, and I'm always playing the relationship cop (I liked that term you used) and trying to get any sort of affection is like pulling teeth.
Desdamona, You don't even know how much emotion you pulled out of me, from your story. I fear that someday, divorce/seperation is going to be where we are headed, and we too didn't even have divorce in our vocabulary, that wasn't even something we would discuss. However, as time goes on..... and mind you, I've only been married for 3 years. And I feel so lonely, unwanted, unloved, uncared for, ugly, need I go on. And I'm not trying to say that I'm anything special, but according to other people, I'm extremely attractive, I don't think so, but I get hit on all the time, and I try to look my best every single day, I exercise, I eat right, I put on makeup even when I'm not going anywhere, to hope that someday, he would be the one to initiate, but it still hasn't happened. We talk about it and it still doesn't happen. I feel so alone, I too, can't talk to anyone about this, because it hurts too much.
Going back to getting hit on everyday, that is a whole other story in itself, that even hurts me, because I seem to get more attention from other men, than my own husband, he even turns his cheek when I kiss him. And this started from the very beginning of our marriage.
You know I'm 39, and it took me a long time to finally find someone, and I feel more alone now, than I did when I was single, how pathetic is that. I'm beginning to wonder if my initial instinct was true, that he's gay!!!!
Start a thread of your own and tell us your story. Click on the word "post" to the right of the words "Sex Starved Marriage" on the index page.
Many of the women on here have asked themselves if their H is gay. Some had hot sex lives in the beginning that cooled down, and others-- like me-- have always been the initiators and wish to heck our guys would show some desire.
I can really relate to getting more attention from other men than my own H. Even when we're out together and we're always holding hands I get long lingering looks and smiles from other men and H notices this...we even talk and laugh about it, but it does nothing to ignite any passion in him. I'm 46 and in very good shape. I'm a hair and makeup gal and like my clothes clingy, but not cheesy. It seems all the other guys notice, but not the one I'd like to have notice. The other day when I was changing to go out he walked past the bedroom door where I was standing clad only in a sexy matching bra/panty ensemble. I could tell he got an eyeful, but dang he never said a word or even stopped by to inspect. I can't help but think that any other man would have had me undressed in under 2 seconds flat! Some time later when we were out I did teasingly joke that only he could walk past a women in underwear...someone he could have anytime he wanted...and barely notice. He laughed and said oh he noticed alright and squeezed my hand and gave me a peck on the lips. I was kinda hoping at that point something might happen later that evening when we got home...but as always, to no avail. In a world full of so many people how do we end up so mismatched?
Like you I get alot of compliments about my appearance, but it doesn't prevent me from feeling unattractive and self conscious about myself. It doesn't even help when I remind myself of the reactions I get from other men, because the reaction that would mean most to me would be from my H.
I've thought about my H being gay, too. I've even asked him about it, but the response is always an adamant NO WAY!
I think we've just got ourselves LDH's and are going to have to find some way of improving the situation. I've been married for 26 yrs and altho I know he loves me very much, I've reached a point in my life where that alone is just not enough anymore. Hey...maybe I'm the one having the MLC? I don't know for sure, but this board is a good place to look into it.
Hang in there...as I always tell myself...no matter what happens...in the end I'll be okay...and so will you.
Have you told him how his lack of reaction to you affects you...makes you feel? I doubt he has any idea of how it truly makes you feel....unloved, unattractive, undesireable, lonely, unimportant etc.
My LDH is exactly the same way, and no he's not gay. I have literally had to spell it out for him, tell him bluntly how his sexual inattentavness affects me, physically and emotionally. I've explained that....for me, while I enjoy the physical interaction...I actually crave the emotional feel of that comes with it, without that emotional connection that comes with ML to him...I become sad, depressed, I feel lonely, and with that comes....feeling unattractive, undesireable.....unimportant.
Have you spelled this out for your LDH or have you simply told him (like all of us have) that you would like to have sex more frequently and would like him to pay more attention to you? If this is what you've done....it's a place to start but one thing I've learned over the last year of going through this is this......that is tooooooo vague. All that says is that you want more sex.....it doesn't communicate to him how important fulfilling your need actually is....but I think this is the place we've all started at
Yes, GEL, I actually have mentioned it to him, more so recently with all this SSM talk. But I think we'll need to have another go at it...apart from all the other talk. I think we both got overwhelmed recently with all the various topic discussions and I think he'll need a refresher. Whether it's work related or personal, his memory recall is atrocious. He's even been asked at work to use those yellow sticky thingys for everything because he forgets everything...and he's the head of his department. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt in this case and will bring it up again this weekend. Tomorrow he gets back from the trade-show and Saturday will be a day of rest for us both on the home front. I'll bring it up at some point throughout the day. It's his birthday on Monday and he's taking the day off work, so I'm going to see if I can manage to get us to fit in some special "togetherness" throughout the weekend. Guess I better get that sexy lingerie ready, just in case. Will you keep you posted on the outcome.
This is all new to me, I don't know if I'll get lost in the mix. I really wanted to find out more information on the sex, and not go into the gay stuff, I'm just really confused right now. I kinda want to settle one thing first. But I truly appreciate your help.
I am not sure if you are still doing research for your book but since I am new to BB (having just read SSM), I thought I would add my story.
My husband I started dating when I was 18, he was 23. We were married after two years of dating. Most of our courting was spent sexually frustrated. We just couldn't get our groove. Once we were married, things got into a groove and me ML about once a week. Not enough for me, but I could settle for one good connection a week. That was our norm.
I have always had to initiate sex. My husband has never been sexually aggresive. There have been many times that I have thought that he might be gay, having an affair, depressed, etc... He has secretivly watched adult movies and hides adult magazines, which leads me to believe he's at least not gay!
Early in our marriage I had an "emotional affair" and my husband found out. We went through counceling and I told him that I wasn't getting enough attention from him. Now let me say this, I am not a needy person, but a woman needs to hear every now and then that her spouse finds her attractive and desirable. I am guilty of seeking attention from other men to fill that void. After 8 years of marriage I still feel that way.
The past year and I half has been a rocky one. I became pregnant and had a rough prenancy. I was on bed rest for two months which put out the last flickering flame that was left in our sex life. In the year that our baby was born we have ML only 5 or 6 times.
I work a full time job and do 90% of the child care when we are home and still have a HD sex drive. He falls asleep on the couch right after dinner. Since having a child the feeling of lonliness has escaladed. Last week I was brave enough to look at the relationship section of the book store and found the SSM. H saw me reading it and was open to discussion. He admits there is a problem in the relationship. He read the first couple chapters of the book (till the part that described him anyway!) and then stopped. He says he never has the desire to have sex but once he's get's going he enjoys it. That is fine and dandy but he has to agree to do it!
Anyway...lonley, isolated, sad, questioning my self worth, ugly, undesireable, roomate. Those are all the things I am feeling.
I will anxiosly await your book...thanks for attacking this subject!!
~DN~
"I just want to live happily-ever-after every now and then." Jimmy Buffett
