It is NOT your husbands fault that you have had multiple affairs.
I do agree that he had a sexual responsibility to you that he did not meet. I agree that he contributed to the condition of your marriage.
He did NOT, however, hold you hostage to have an affair. That was your choice. ALL yours.
You can't recover your marriage while there are three people in it.
Here is something of a truism that I wrote regarding people involved in affairs.
An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.
Do you see yourself in that statement?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Yes, I do see myself in that statement. Very true, indeed.
My bitterness for his unwillingness to resolve his sexual dysfunction has turned me away from my marriage.
I don't feel entitled to have an affair, however, he WILL feel entitled to divorce me. It will be easier for him to blame his "cheating" wife, than to look at himself as part of the problem.
I see so much of myself in your post. The lack of sex, the porn, even down to knowing the conception dates of each of my 4 kids. I didn't have an affair - ok, the beginnings of an emotional one, definately, but nothing else. (and yes, I have ended contact).
The reason I didn't have an A is very similar to the reason you're saying you can't tell your H - I knew he wouldn't get outright angry, or see it as a wake up call, but he would use it to justify doing - well just about anything. I don't think he would divorce me, he'd probably much rather just hold it over my head.
I'm going to throw in a word of caution - not to justify at all what you did, and I agree with NOPkin that your M has no hope until you can be honest with your H.
But - the no sex, using porn, refusing to see a problem throws up some red flags for me. How would he react to finding out about your affairs?
What is your relationship with H like outside of the bedroom?
NOPkins, I do agree that she should be honest, but how should she go about bringing this up?
Our relationship has been strained for about 8 of our 9 years of marriage. I considered leaving him many times. I made up my mind to leave then I became pg with our last child. We have had good sex a few times during our marriage, but mostly he has been impotent, and I have had to "work" very hard to help overcome his erection difficulties. When I don't give the 110% effort, it just doesn't happen. I just got tired of trying. He has a chip on his shoulder because of his problem - an inferiority complex, perhaps. He blames me for all that is wrong, always. He is a good person, a good dad, he doesn't go out drinking, chasing skirts, all he does is work. Its his way of not dealing with it. He says he's just too tired - that worked for a while, I believed his work made him too tired to give any effort. But after years of it, I just felt sad, rejected, undesireable and tired of trying, tired of being blamed.
I've expressed my unhappiness to my dh. I told him that I wanted to separate. He has been to see a Doctor about his dysfunction, to fix the problem, if it is physical. He has had all the lab work done, awaiting results. He swears that he will fix the problem, but it is far more now than just lack of sex. My wounds are deeper than that.
I know having an affair does not make anything right. But confessing it will make everything worse. I love my lover, but I have for all these years. I love my husband, too, but I have lost the tenderness and desire I once had for him, after being rejected so many times. It just seems like "too little, too late".
I am in full agreement with NOPkins on this, there is no way you are going to get your M back on track while someone else is in the picture. You need to decide what you want.
And you do need to confess to your H, a strong M is built on trust....you have compromised that trust. I'm not saying that to be mean or anything like that...it's the simple truth. Right now you are living a lie...and you are forcing your H to live a lie....and that's not right....to either of you.
This same advice has been given to others on this board who have come here looking for advice....who have also cheated. To begin rebuilding your M you MUST start with a clean slate and give your spouse the knowledge to make their own choices and decisions as well.
Unfortunately what you are doing now, intended or not, does have consequences. You owe your H the truth....you do not have the right to take away his choice of staying w/you or not by witholding the truth from him....and thereby forcing him to live a lie unknowingly.
I know it's a VERY difficult thing to do, coming clean with your H, but if YOU want to have a chance at rebuilding your M...it's absolutely necessary. Look at it this way....it's not going to hurt him any less right now...than it will weeks, months, years from now when he finds out (and eventually it will come out, things like this always do.)
Go to him, tell him what's happened.....but tell him you choose him, and want to fix your M and you are willing to do anything to do that (if that is in fact the avenue you want to take.) But you must end all contact with the OM immediately, I cannot stress that enough.
You have come to the right place for support and we will be very honest with you as to how we situation, so be prepared for that....but I will repeat myself, you must stop your "A" if you hope to repair your M.
Also, please start your own thread so that we can keep up with you without hijacking this particular thread
FYI, I too am a SSW, married to an LDH....so please understand I do know where you are coming from. I have been tempted, I have had offers, I simply chose not to take them.
letsdolunch65, GEL is a wise poster, so take what she has to say to heart. Also start a thread. It is easy. If you want someone to get you thread started, we will. You could name your thread "4 Conseption Dates" or anything else.
When you are on the Sex Starved Marriage forum, pook for an icon that looks like a page. The word "post" will be next to to the icon,. click it on and type away.
This thread is mainly for stopries and research from high drive women with low drive men. There are books for HD men with low drive LD wives but not too many books for hi drive women HDW with low drive H's LDH.
BTW, glad to see you post. You are in a good place here. Sorry your home life is so complicated.
I want to talk to you from the POV of the left behind spouse of someone in MLC. I'm sorry, but I'm in tears while typing.
I know this may be difficult to do, but think about it from your lover's wife's POV. How will she feel? Forget that she was the OW 17 years ago, and forget that the child may not be his. Assume she is his daughter, and NEVER forget that the daughter's mother is his wife.
I love my husband more than anything in this world. He is seeing another woman. They justify their relationship because it is not yet physical. She won't touch him while he's married. And he says he was going to leave me anyway--so it's not because of her. But everytime she was out of the picture he was connecting to me more.
I'm not trying to be mean to you; I'm merely expressing my feelings from my POV. I can't fathom how someone could do this. This OW doesn't think she's doing anything wrong--she's apparently a strong catholic. She's also dated married men before--they didn't tell her she was married, and so she said she wouldn't do that again. Well she KNOWS my husband is married. I want to scream in pain--how can she do this?
I do not believe in divorce. I plan to stand strong for my marriage--and my situation is in the early phases of post-bomb drop MLC--so I could have a few years.
My husband insists he's never coming back, and is upset that I won't move on. I've told him I know he's not coming back [that's a lie; 80% of MLC spouses return], but that he is always welcome to if he so chooses.
PLEASE get yourself some counseling--and if possible your husband some counseling. Tell your lover to get marriage counseling for he and his wife also. But please do not break up two marriages--if possible, don't break up any marriages. Think about all of the other people besides you and your lover who will be hurt--1000X more than your pain. Hey at least you can be happy in each other--which makes the pain for us worse.
Come on over to the MLC thread. Maybe we can help determine if we think you're in MLC. And it would be nice to have an atual MLCer for some different perspective--we're all MLC spouses and just don't get what the MLCers are going through. It would be nice to hear from one.
There may be other things you can do regarding your husband's sexual problems. I'm not an expert in that area, but go research the issue--don't let your husband know, he may feel insecure.
My husband told me he's been happy for years [2-3, and this is classic MLC] and that he's been working on making our marriage better? Well that's a load! To him, I think, working on it meant he acknowledged he wasn't happy and complained sometimes--in a Martian way so that this Venutian had no idea what he was really saying. I was clueless of ANY problems until he dropped the bomb. My husband hasn't actually lifted a finger to make our marraige better. You can't say your working on improving your marriage if you don't let your spouse know it needs improvement. Or at least seek help from professionals [not validating woman at work--OW potential], and books.
I'll tell you wa=hat: YES, you're being selfish. No, your happiness is not the most important thing. Your happiness is not worth the sacrifice of your husband, your lover's wife, and ALL of the children.
Marriage is sacred. PLEASE think of the other people involved. If you want to see some real pain go read my threads--especially some of the beginning. Or go read other MLC threads. You can get the feelings from the spouses perspective.
Omg I can't believe I actually found a place where I fit in. We've been married for 26 yrs and H has never had much of a sex drive. In fact when we were first going out I often felt like I forced him into having sex. If I didn't initiate, it wasn't going to happen. He had the same problem in his first marriage that lasted about 6 yrs. First W had an affair and that took care of the marriage. It never sat well with me not having a loving physical marriage, but he's a good, decent man and is so good to me. It was easy to overlook. But we've had zippo sex the past 10 years...until we read SSM. It's improved a little, but for my liking has a long way to go. I'm feeling crushed at the moment. We celebrated our 26th a couple of weeks ago. Was great...actually made love twice in three days! But nothing has happened since then. He left for a trade-show this week and I was hoping for some closeness before he left, but to no avail. How can he leave town like that without a little togetherness...esp after it seemed like things were improving. I'm at a loss and don't know what to do or say about it.
Here's part of the dilemma. About a year ago this time he started talking an awful lot about a new woman in his department. He's done that before, but this one made me feel suspicious. It went on for about 6 weeks and I said nothing. Then it just stopped. Some 2 months later he mentioned she was a lesbian. About a month after that I found her home/cell numbers in his wallet...on one of those yellow sticky thingys. When I asked him about it he was calm and couldn't understand why it was in his wallet. Says it was on his desk and the numbers were to be entered into his rollodex on his desk. He's the head of his department and keeps all his "group's" numbers in case he needs to contact them. I felt suspicious about it anyway. I was feeling like he had become distant and wasn't very attentive towards me...like he was preoccupied. To cut to the chase...we've argued about it alot. I've accused him of having an affair with the so-called lesbian. He vehemently denies any such thing. I found her cell number in his cell phone. While he does have several co-workers numbers in his cell...her's is the only female number and the only co-worker from his immediate group at work.
Maybe it's just me. I've been having huge difficulties with peri-menopause the last year that have caused me to become very paranoid and irrational at times, which is highly unusual for me. He is always home with me after-hours and weekends. I'm not sure if any woman would settle for a work-day affair only. And being lesbian means nothing to me. I worked for a lesbian doctor and she and her buddies all routinely had affairs and relationships with men...so being lesbian doesn't mean safe...it's just a convenient excuse if a man's going to hide an affair.
Lord listen to me. What a mess. Then I try to convince myself that there's no way my H would have an affair because he's never been physical, not even at the beginning, so why would he start now...with a lesbian?
Anyhow, getting back to the LDH and over-sexed W who'd love to have sex several times a week. When is this book coming out? I need some help.
Welcome to the BB! I too am an HDW married to an LD man...who apparantly has always been that way...although we haven't been married nearly as long as you have.
Please post your situation on your own thread....so I and others can follow along with you and give you support & suggestions...perhaps we can learn something from you too
Welcome to the fray from a former LDH who now can't get enough of his HD WAW.
You sound like you will fit in nicely with the crew here. They are always open minded and ready to support.
GEL will probably be the next to post here, knowing her. She will make you feel warm and fuzzy in no time. NOPkins is one of the straightest talking affair hating people you will ever "meet". He has helped me tremendously. I will give a distilled version of his advice, in case he is occupied today.
Read Shirley Glasser's "Not 'Just Friends'" in front of your H, and leave it where he can peruse at his leisure. Brace yourself, and better yourself however possible, to improve your self esteem. Check your H's cell records thouroughly. Don't blame yourself for your suspicions until you are completely sure they are false. Don't even begin to think that her "lesbianism" is anything more than a front.
Questions: Has your H always been LD? (pre 1st M?) if yes, Has your H had his testosterone levels checked?
Try not to confront your H with any more of your suspicions until you are sure of what you are saying. It will save a lot of grief to sit on your suspicions until they are facts, but be actively persuing the truth.
Take all advice and sift it through your own 8# filter. (especially mine )
Most importantly, start your own thread in the SSM forum. You will get more attention and advice there.
