I want to talk to you from the POV of the left behind spouse of someone in MLC. I'm sorry, but I'm in tears while typing.
I know this may be difficult to do, but think about it from your lover's wife's POV. How will she feel? Forget that she was the OW 17 years ago, and forget that the child may not be his. Assume she is his daughter, and NEVER forget that the daughter's mother is his wife.
I love my husband more than anything in this world. He is seeing another woman. They justify their relationship because it is not yet physical. She won't touch him while he's married. And he says he was going to leave me anyway--so it's not because of her. But everytime she was out of the picture he was connecting to me more.
I'm not trying to be mean to you; I'm merely expressing my feelings from my POV. I can't fathom how someone could do this. This OW doesn't think she's doing anything wrong--she's apparently a strong catholic. She's also dated married men before--they didn't tell her she was married, and so she said she wouldn't do that again. Well she KNOWS my husband is married. I want to scream in pain--how can she do this?
I do not believe in divorce. I plan to stand strong for my marriage--and my situation is in the early phases of post-bomb drop MLC--so I could have a few years.
My husband insists he's never coming back, and is upset that I won't move on. I've told him I know he's not coming back [that's a lie; 80% of MLC spouses return], but that he is always welcome to if he so chooses.
PLEASE get yourself some counseling--and if possible your husband some counseling. Tell your lover to get marriage counseling for he and his wife also. But please do not break up two marriages--if possible, don't break up any marriages. Think about all of the other people besides you and your lover who will be hurt--1000X more than your pain. Hey at least you can be happy in each other--which makes the pain for us worse.
Come on over to the MLC thread. Maybe we can help determine if we think you're in MLC. And it would be nice to have an atual MLCer for some different perspective--we're all MLC spouses and just don't get what the MLCers are going through. It would be nice to hear from one.
There may be other things you can do regarding your husband's sexual problems. I'm not an expert in that area, but go research the issue--don't let your husband know, he may feel insecure.
My husband told me he's been happy for years [2-3, and this is classic MLC] and that he's been working on making our marriage better? Well that's a load! To him, I think, working on it meant he acknowledged he wasn't happy and complained sometimes--in a Martian way so that this Venutian had no idea what he was really saying. I was clueless of ANY problems until he dropped the bomb. My husband hasn't actually lifted a finger to make our marraige better. You can't say your working on improving your marriage if you don't let your spouse know it needs improvement. Or at least seek help from professionals [not validating woman at work--OW potential], and books.
I'll tell you wa=hat: YES, you're being selfish. No, your happiness is not the most important thing. Your happiness is not worth the sacrifice of your husband, your lover's wife, and ALL of the children.
Marriage is sacred. PLEASE think of the other people involved. If you want to see some real pain go read my threads--especially some of the beginning. Or go read other MLC threads. You can get the feelings from the spouses perspective.
