What I feel being in this situation is more confusing and complex than I can express in words.
I never set out to cheat on my husband. I was rejected over and over for the duration of our 9 year marriage. He never wanted sex, never initiated sex. Once when I went away for the weekend with family, he bought porn on the satellite dish and surfed the 'net for porn. Hows that for a slap in the face. He can J*** off, but not have any desire for his wife. That was the end of my blaming myself for his sexual problems.
I never meant to fall in love with my ex. We have just always been in contact, friendship only, since we broke up 17 years ago. When he got trapped into his marriage by an unwanted pregnancy, he had already broken off with her and he and I were working things out. Then she announced her pregnancy. To this day, I do not believe that child is his, but he has done right by her, and is her daddy, no matter what. We both felt at the time that something was stolen from "us", but he did what he felt was right and I was supportive, remaining his friend all these years, but nothing more. Maybe both of our marriages never stood a chance, we have always loved each other. Perhaps mid-life has spurred him into changing his course. Perhaps my husband's lack of desire for me has killed any hope I had in a lasting marriage.
What good does it do to confess to my husband? To destroy his already-fragile self-esteem? To make him hate me for seeking out what he could/would not give me? To ensure that he divorces me so that I can be "punished" for my infidelity?
What if I broke it off with my lover? How do I restore my miserable marriage? How do I get my husband to desire me, now, when he NEVER has? Should I just suffer in silence, my only pleasure from the sex toys that I bought to try to get through my sex-less marriage? I can't make him want me.
I appreciate your insight, NOPkins. I just don't think I can confess. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I just can't see the way out of this.
