I'd like to introduce myself and reply to your post about being a sex-starved wife.
I'm a 39 y/o SAHM, 4 kids, 1 from previous marriage, 3 with dh. DH is 34. Married 9 years.
Problems with sex before we were married, I just thought being married would overcome them. I thought dh was inexperienced, maybe, and perhaps a bit intimidated that I had been married before and had other lovers. He was 25, I was 30, we dated only a short time before we were married. Didn't have intercourse until after marriage. Lots of fooling around, but never consumated. The first week we were married, I initiated sex every night and really had to work at the foreplay to "inspire" him. Performance-wise, it was all good, for a while. Then his ability to maintain erection began to interfere.
I got pregnant and our sex life just stopped, completely. If I didn't initiate it, it just didn't happen. We would go for months without sex. I quit taking the pill. I felt so unloved, undesireable. I gained weight, I got depressed, went on prozac. I was a miserable woman. DH began working out of town for months at a time.
I got pregnant again, intentionally. I joked that every time we had sex, I got pregnant, all 3 times. We just didn't discuss our sex life, it was easy to blame lack of interest on pregnancy.
When my 3rd child was 2, I had a brief affair, with an older man, just because he showed interest. I had lost weight and his attention made me feel desired and appreciated as a woman. It was a disaster, he was divorced, wanted me to leave dh, all I wanted was sex and attention. I broke it off. DH never knew. DH has not had any affairs that I know of, his impotence problems probably hinder that.
I begged dh to see a doctor about his problem. "What problem?" He said that I caused it, because of my "hatefulness" and my "not trying" "not working hard enough" to give him desire.
The 4th pregnancy was an accident, I threw myself into trying to get his attention, but reminded him that I wasn't on the pill, we would have to be "careful", but it was too late. It was over before it started. I cried myself to sleep. I made an appointment to have a tubal, and to see a divorce lawyer. Then I found out I was pregnant. I very nearly had a abortion. I cried for 4 months straight. But we have a lovely daughter and I am so thankful for her sweet presence in my life. She is my angel.
About 6 months ago, I started seeing my ex-boyfriend. He was the one I considered to be my soulmate, when we were in our early 20's. We have always maintained our close friendship, all these years, though our spouses never knew. It was never sexual until now. We broke up way back then and he was fooling around and got another woman pregnant. He did not love her but married her anyway out of what he calls "Catholic guilt". They have been married 16 years, he unhappily, she oblivious to his unhappiness. We started having a sexual relationship, mainly at my suggestion that it would be just sex, nothing more. Ha ha, who was I fooling? Now we're in deep, feeling like we are in love, that we should have married each other all those years ago, that maybe we have a chance for a happy future together...I am so confused and afraid of making another mistake. I am afraid that we are both experiencing MLC, he turned 40 last year, father recently passed, child is growing up, all the warning signs. But I love him like no other, and he loves me too. We have a beautiful friendship and our sexual relationship is still satisfying after all the years between us. The sex really isn't the most important thing, though I thought that was all that I wanted in the beginning. I feel like I can't live without him but I can't just sacrifice my kids happiness and stability to be with him.
Can someone offer me some words of wisdom, some way for me to examine this logically from another p.o.v.? Dh and I are on the verge of separating, my lover and I have been discussing leaving our spouses to be together, and all the what-ifs, and how-tos, and I am just torn. I feel so selfish.
