I think this is the case with my LDH. Although he may have never had what some would consider a high sex drive....due to his past R's (prior to me) he was driven to be LD due to many things. Now trying to turn it around is a battle.
I know he loves me, he shows me in many ways everyday....but trying to turn that SD switch back on is proving to be difficult for both of us at times.
If I didn't know better I'd say you were me and you were married to my LDH.
I too am 37, my H will be 44 this month. I am having some success in my R...please feel free to check out my threads, I'll be more than happy to share anything I can with you.
H was 35 and I was 33 when we first met. He had never been married and had never lived with a woman. Our sexual relationship started early in the relationship and was very strong – a nightly thing. I became pregnant, despite the pill, 3 months after we became intimate.
The baby was lost to placental abruption at 37 weeks. We had decided prior to her birth that H would stay home and I would continue to work as I did not want to be a stay at home mom, but we both believed that, if possible, a parent should stay home for the first 5 years.
Anyway, after the loss of the baby, the OB-GYN advised that if we wanted a child, we would need to have one before I turned 35. We did the daily thing, and then the every other night thing, all through the second pregnancy.
So, two years of good, steady sex. There were a few months here and there where there would be a dry spell, but it didn’t strike me as anything to worry about. Looking back, I can see some things that might have struck me odd if I had looked at them closer.
1. No spontaneous sex. It’s always at night, in the bedroom. 2. When I mentioned that I wanted sex, I would get an embarrassed chuckle as a response, but he usually delivered. 3. No discussion about sex. If I asked him what felt good, he would get embarrassed and not give me an answer.
Now, remember that he is a stay at home dad and takes his job very seriously. As a rule, I don’t do housework, I haven’t cooked in over 4 years… you get the picture.
Once the baby started sleeping through the night, we got back on track with a couple times a week. I asked him if we could have more, and he said that all I had to do was initiate. My idea of initiating was to tell him. Then I would get hurt when he didn’t deliver.
Then, it got to be where we were only having sex once a month. And that sex was “middle of the night” sex. Not a bad thing if we had regular sex also, but it began to feel like he was dreaming of someone else and using me as a substitute.
I started feeling used and the sex was less than stellar. I ended up more frustrated than I was before. I kept telling myself in between the bouts of “middle of the night” sex that I would tell him no the next time, but I couldn’t. Instead, I made comments that maybe we could do this more often. He readily agreed, but didn’t deliver.
“How about some nookie tonight?” I’d ask. He’d chuckle and later that night we’d go to bed and one of us would be asleep before anything happened. I took this as rejection.
In retaliation, I bought a vibrator and kept it in my bedside table. He knows about it, but has never made a comment about it. Occasionally, when I’m feeling particularly evil, I’ll leave the cord hanging out of the drawer so it’s in his face.
Anyway, the occasional middle of the night sex has ended also. We have not made love since October. In January, I made the comment that we hadn’t had sex in 3 months. He looked shocked and said that it couldn’t have been that long, but made no move to rectify it and I was damned if I was going to force him if he didn’t want me anymore.
Last year, we made love (all middle of the night) six times. This year, none.
How does this make me feel? I hurt so much that I want to confront him, but then I don’t because I don’t want pity sex. I want him to want me, not to just give in to shut me up. So, I keep quiet about it. We don’t discuss it.
We rarely argue and live our lives pretty much like roommates who share a bed. There is no snuggling, no affection except for the perfunctory good-bye kiss when one of us heads out the door.
Anyway, how do I feel?
I hate it. I hate living like roommates. I have forced myself not to look at him sexually anymore because it hurts too much. I keep telling myself that he is just a friend. That’s the only way that I can get through this.
In the meantime, my sexual self-confidence has hit bottom. My regular self-confidence is starting to take a downswing also. I find myself questioning other parts of myself that I never would have given a second thought to – my weight, my little habits, etc,. And at odd times, the question, “Why doesn’t he want me anymore?” comes into my head and I immediately get teary. (I’m not much of a crier, but this one has knocked me down low.)
Although I love my H, a part of me resents the hell out of him because he seems to have all the control and I have none. Maybe it’s of my own making, maybe if I would just confront him… but what’s the point? If I confront him, he’ll take it as a clue that he’s expected to perform and he will, I’m sure – but I don’t want him that way.
And at this point, it’s been so long, I don’t know if I want him anyway. It wouldn’t be about sharing, but because he’s finally horny enough to do something about it. God, sometimes I hate him and hate myself for giving him this kind of power of me.
And I’m angry. So angry. We don’t fight, remember. But I have found a way to really piss him off – I spend money. Yep, I start getting teary and out comes the credit card. He doesn’t say anything, but I’ve heard him mutter over the bill. It gives me a kind of satisfaction – it’s really sick, I know, but damned if I can stop it. And I hope that if I spend enough, he’ll get ticked enough and then I can jump in with my complaints. God, maybe I need Dr. Phil because this has gotten really messed up.
It’s gotten to the point where I feel uncomfortable being naked in front of him. It’s like he isn’t supposed to see me naked. He doesn’t have that right. He gave up that right when he stopped having sex with me.
Before I stumbled across this forum, I thought that I was the only one in this situation. I was looking on the internet because I thought for sure that there was something wrong with me. His not wanting me has become an obsession with me. I had to find out what I was doing wrong, what I could change to make him start loving me again. Because yes, I equate the two. If he doesn’t want me anymore, he doesn’t love me anymore either.
That’s the crux of it. I don’t care what he says or that he acts as if everything is normal. My thinking says that he doesn’t want me then he doesn’t love me. And the tears start.
I feel hopeless. I don’t know how to make this better or if I even want to. I know eventually, I’ll be able to close off and go back to a normal thought process. I’m getting there slowly. Days pass now where I don’t obsess over this. I’m slowly beginning to accept the fact that he doesn’t want me.
But I don’t want to live with that acceptance either. I know that once I fully accept it, I will file for divorce.
Sorry you had to come here, but welcome. You could not have picked a better, more supportive place to come. There are plenty of folks, both men and women, here who have been or are in the same situation. Many have had success in bring life back into their marriages and sex lives, most are still working on it. If you haven't read Michelle's SSM book yet, please get a copy. The key to getting past this seems to be communication. Have you told him in no uncertain terms how unhappy you are? He needs to know, and he needs to know that you are nearing the end of your rope. My W and I got a very good jump-start by attending a World-wide marriage encounter weekend, which is a structured forum for you to get started with one on one communication at a very deep level with your spouse. Not saying that you'd have the same success with the weekend, but it is certainly worth a try...you've got nothing to lose. There are several ladies here who have husbands with little or no natural drive: Honeypot, Greeneyed Lass, Lilliperl are a few tht have been here for over a year. Read their stories, they are an inspiration.
It never ceases to amaze me how whenever a new person comes on board and I read their story, I identify with virtually every single word. I was just nodding and sighing all through this one. The high level of sex in the beginning, but all initiatied by her... the gradual slowdown, the surprise on his part that it has been so long, the assurance that he would improve, followed by no action... even the little giggle... <sigh>
ME, GGB is right. You've come to the place where you will no longer feel like a freak or an oddball. When I first discovered this site, I finally felt at home. I had posted about this problem on other relationship boards, but got the typical responses on how to make my bf more sexually interested in me... dress up, seduce him, blah, blah, blah. That stuff just doesn't work with every guy (or the reverse with every woman).
Start a thread of your own below this introductory thread, and many will "listen" and respond with great compassion and wisdom.
Your post is exceptionally articulate and well written... and is it my imagination, or is this board populated with many smart, articulate people who also know grammar and have good vocabularies? (Not to mention some really great wits and punsters!) I don't find this level of writing on the other boards that I read. (Okay, so I'm a snob... so sue me! )
Welcome home, ME, but sorry you have need to be here.
Your post is exceptionally articulate and well written...
Thanks for the chuckle. After reading what I had written I shut down the browser with a groan. I thought that what I had written was a mess. My thoughts were not in order at all and I kept flip flopping. So glad that I was understood though.
I'd like to introduce myself and reply to your post about being a sex-starved wife.
I'm a 39 y/o SAHM, 4 kids, 1 from previous marriage, 3 with dh. DH is 34. Married 9 years.
Problems with sex before we were married, I just thought being married would overcome them. I thought dh was inexperienced, maybe, and perhaps a bit intimidated that I had been married before and had other lovers. He was 25, I was 30, we dated only a short time before we were married. Didn't have intercourse until after marriage. Lots of fooling around, but never consumated. The first week we were married, I initiated sex every night and really had to work at the foreplay to "inspire" him. Performance-wise, it was all good, for a while. Then his ability to maintain erection began to interfere.
I got pregnant and our sex life just stopped, completely. If I didn't initiate it, it just didn't happen. We would go for months without sex. I quit taking the pill. I felt so unloved, undesireable. I gained weight, I got depressed, went on prozac. I was a miserable woman. DH began working out of town for months at a time.
I got pregnant again, intentionally. I joked that every time we had sex, I got pregnant, all 3 times. We just didn't discuss our sex life, it was easy to blame lack of interest on pregnancy.
When my 3rd child was 2, I had a brief affair, with an older man, just because he showed interest. I had lost weight and his attention made me feel desired and appreciated as a woman. It was a disaster, he was divorced, wanted me to leave dh, all I wanted was sex and attention. I broke it off. DH never knew. DH has not had any affairs that I know of, his impotence problems probably hinder that.
I begged dh to see a doctor about his problem. "What problem?" He said that I caused it, because of my "hatefulness" and my "not trying" "not working hard enough" to give him desire.
The 4th pregnancy was an accident, I threw myself into trying to get his attention, but reminded him that I wasn't on the pill, we would have to be "careful", but it was too late. It was over before it started. I cried myself to sleep. I made an appointment to have a tubal, and to see a divorce lawyer. Then I found out I was pregnant. I very nearly had a abortion. I cried for 4 months straight. But we have a lovely daughter and I am so thankful for her sweet presence in my life. She is my angel.
About 6 months ago, I started seeing my ex-boyfriend. He was the one I considered to be my soulmate, when we were in our early 20's. We have always maintained our close friendship, all these years, though our spouses never knew. It was never sexual until now. We broke up way back then and he was fooling around and got another woman pregnant. He did not love her but married her anyway out of what he calls "Catholic guilt". They have been married 16 years, he unhappily, she oblivious to his unhappiness. We started having a sexual relationship, mainly at my suggestion that it would be just sex, nothing more. Ha ha, who was I fooling? Now we're in deep, feeling like we are in love, that we should have married each other all those years ago, that maybe we have a chance for a happy future together...I am so confused and afraid of making another mistake. I am afraid that we are both experiencing MLC, he turned 40 last year, father recently passed, child is growing up, all the warning signs. But I love him like no other, and he loves me too. We have a beautiful friendship and our sexual relationship is still satisfying after all the years between us. The sex really isn't the most important thing, though I thought that was all that I wanted in the beginning. I feel like I can't live without him but I can't just sacrifice my kids happiness and stability to be with him.
Can someone offer me some words of wisdom, some way for me to examine this logically from another p.o.v.? Dh and I are on the verge of separating, my lover and I have been discussing leaving our spouses to be together, and all the what-ifs, and how-tos, and I am just torn. I feel so selfish.
Your husband never had a chance with your ex-boyfriend in the picture.
Here is the best advice, and the only advice you will get from me.
Stop all of your illicit behavior. Come clean with your husband, TELL HIM EVERYTHING - in detail.
Are all of the kids, his? If not, you must tell him.
If he decides not to divorce you, then he needs to quit his job so that he can be close to home. Both of you will need major professional counseling .
There is no quick fix.
Either you walk the high road and take the honest approach to repairing your situation, or you marry the ex-boyfriend and ensure that you will revisit your actions on that relationship as well.
The simple truth is this. You will face what you have done, one way or another. It is going to haunt you and eat your guts out, no matter who you are with. What you have done will not go away.
Do the right thing and face it now. At least that way, you may regain what is left of your life.
I sincerely wish you all the best.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
What I feel being in this situation is more confusing and complex than I can express in words.
I never set out to cheat on my husband. I was rejected over and over for the duration of our 9 year marriage. He never wanted sex, never initiated sex. Once when I went away for the weekend with family, he bought porn on the satellite dish and surfed the 'net for porn. Hows that for a slap in the face. He can J*** off, but not have any desire for his wife. That was the end of my blaming myself for his sexual problems.
I never meant to fall in love with my ex. We have just always been in contact, friendship only, since we broke up 17 years ago. When he got trapped into his marriage by an unwanted pregnancy, he had already broken off with her and he and I were working things out. Then she announced her pregnancy. To this day, I do not believe that child is his, but he has done right by her, and is her daddy, no matter what. We both felt at the time that something was stolen from "us", but he did what he felt was right and I was supportive, remaining his friend all these years, but nothing more. Maybe both of our marriages never stood a chance, we have always loved each other. Perhaps mid-life has spurred him into changing his course. Perhaps my husband's lack of desire for me has killed any hope I had in a lasting marriage.
What good does it do to confess to my husband? To destroy his already-fragile self-esteem? To make him hate me for seeking out what he could/would not give me? To ensure that he divorces me so that I can be "punished" for my infidelity?
What if I broke it off with my lover? How do I restore my miserable marriage? How do I get my husband to desire me, now, when he NEVER has? Should I just suffer in silence, my only pleasure from the sex toys that I bought to try to get through my sex-less marriage? I can't make him want me.
I appreciate your insight, NOPkins. I just don't think I can confess. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I just can't see the way out of this.
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Thanks for the chuckle. After reading what I had written I shut down the browser with a groan. I thought that what I had written was a mess. My thoughts were not in order at all and I kept flip flopping. So glad that I was understood though.