I agree about the sucking-off-your-hip business, I think many guys just want a mommy, not a wife. As long as the goodies are forthcoming (lots of giving from you to them) everything is OK. The minute you point out the lack of balance in the exchange, and agitate for a bit more interpersonal balance, they lose interest and feel put upon. I noticed this when dating around after I had my kids and was separated from my last husband (a verbally abusive workaholic, thought I'd solve my problems by marrying the opposite kind of guy, HA HA HA): when I was younger, men really enjoyed my body. After I had kids and was a bit older and didn't look as magazine-worthy anymore, the dynamic really switched - they just wanted to be gotten off, 'serviced', and didn't want to spend any time petting ME up. It was a real switcheroo. It's not just this guy, this is something I noticed while dating around. Older bodies don't do it for guys when they are surrounded by perfect airbrushed media images. I don't think there is much hope for a good sex life after you have kids unless you find a really special and realistic guy who doesn't care that you aren't perfect and finds you sexy in broad daylight or in sweatpants anyway. I know they are out there. I have a friend or two with a guy like that. One of them doesn't even have to shave her legs for her guy, bless him, and she wears spectacles, is heavy and no makeup! He must be really rare. Don't think we women can't see it in men's eyes, how much difference our looks make. It counts with men. It gets to be more and more work to get any sort of interest out of them. Push-up bras, new shirts, diff. makeup or fragrance or hairstyle, Brazilian wax, blah blah, it's never-ending, the struggle, the ante is always being upped for women and their darned appearance. Enough so that I have lost interest in getting another guy if I don't manage to somehow emotionally deal with the void I have in this relationship (the fact of having a mate who feels like just another kid, a teen in my basement who is not even related to me). I have better things to do in life than to run on this absurd Jetson treadmill just to make sure I protect my "investment" in some guy so he won't run off with the bikini babes he fantasizes about. My god, what a quality of life. (snort) Thanks for letting me vent. I confess I have not come up with any sort of solution for myself and I see a lot of similar stuff on this forum.
I recently did some redecorating and asked my husband to take our wedding photo down so that I could put something else in its place. (I know, I'm a romantic devil aren't I!) I forgot to tell him what to do with it, and quite frankly I hadn't given it any thought. He ended up putting it on a wall in our bedroom and I just noticed it last night. Ugh. I was much heavier when we married than I am now. I don't necessarily want the reminder of that in our bedroom, for heavens sakes! But I haven't said anything..I've given up pointing out my flaws to him--if he likes the photo well enough to hang in our bedroom, then I'm gonna let it be.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I don't think men want or need a woman to look like a young lady. They want a woman who takes care of herself, regardless of whether she's had children or not. Besides, what does having kids have to do with anything anyway? Sure, I've got stretch marks and things sag in places..but overall, my body looks a ton better after kids than it did before.
If your man doesn't appreciate a real woman, then he doesn't know what he's missing.
puzzled2 wrote
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Older bodies don't do it for guys when they are surrounded by perfect airbrushed media images.
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Real guys know the media images are fake. I like older bodies and someone that had a simillar background. Beatles=yes, Snoop-Dog, can't relate.
Hair on the legs, mini-mustach, that's fine. We will see whose is longer, shorter, finer, etc, just have fun talking about it. It's natural (hair) isn't it.
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I don't think there is much hope for a good sex life after you have kids unless you find a really special and realistic guy who doesn't care that you aren't perfect........
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I was happy with my W's body after she had our children. To see it sooooo streched out of shape and how uncomfortable she was during pregnancy, later a couple of strech marks did not bother me.
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.......and finds you sexy in broad daylight or in sweatpants anyway.
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I like sex with the lights on. Looking at W's body and touching it, almost instant desire. Hay, I do not have any of those parts. I want ot find more about them. Keep the lights on to see what feels SOOOOO GOOOOD and her wounderful smile if we are connecting emotionally. Wife is LD and thinks this is all perveted.
Not wanting to hi-jack Michelles thread. Just want puzzled2 to know there are some guys that like the total woman, the relationship. Maybe self image is more important to puzzled2 than it needs to be. Don't borrow trouble puzzled2.
Sorry you are in the dumps. Post your story on one of the forums and see if someone can help you and your M. don't hold anything back. We have heard a lot. Some good people here.
I am currently trying to earn back the love of my life, who is a "sex starved wife" She is hyper sexual, and I am much less so. She is ready to give me the boot, and no longer wants any intimacy from me. I realize that rejection has wounded her to the core. How do I stop this downward spiral? I am in the middle of Divorce Busters, and I doubt she will read it. She did agree to see a therapist, but she doubts that she will ever love me again. HELP!!! PLEASE HELP!!!!! There have been no affairs, (that I know about). My business failed, and we have no children. I desperately want to make things work. Buyt the hope is fading. CSW
Thank you Michele for writing this book. I think it is a book that will be appreciated by many. Having been this wife for too long, I am highly aware of the lack of resources out there dealing with this topic.
I've only written one other post, but it contains a brief history of our marriage. My H's lack of desire has been present a long time. Actually, I knew on our honeymoon that things weren't right. Even at that point, H had less desire than me.
You ask what problems it creates... A multitude. It has been the most on-going, hurtful experience of my life. His affairs with OW just compounded the problem. It is something I'm continually working to get past. Right or wrong, I interpret his lack of interest as REJECTION. Because of this, I am left to feel undesireable and less than pretty, even though I'm continuously told how pretty I am.
My H's rejection has caused me to doubt myself and my confidence level has been underminded. It seems an ever present battle. So hard to overcome or ignore. It has definitely been a huge factor in who I've become.
In talking to other women who've experienced this, I realize that I am not alone in my emotions. It is a huge thing and most certainly a worthy topic for a book.
Dear Michelle. Thanks you so much for deciding to take action on addressing the topic of the sex-starved wife. I have purchased and read every book I can get my hands on about the subject of SSM, but nearly all focus on the wife as being the one who is uninterested in sex. The opposite situation is typically addressed superficially, if at all. Unfortunately, in my case I am the one who is wanting sex and my H is indifferent.
So here's my story -
For about the first 8 years together we had a fabulous sex life. We both had been married before for nearly 20 years each and we marveled at how spectacular sex could be after the tepid expereinces we had with our former spouses. HIs attraction for me was absolutely intoxicating! I felt beautiful, desireable, and so special. I knew I was the most fortuanate woman inthe world to have such a loving partner who appreciated our sex life as much as I did.
At about year 9 the frequency of ML began to decline. The slide happened fairly rapidly. For many years we had ML 5 or 6 times a week. The frequency dropped to about 2 times a month. Many negative events were happening at that time (a parent was diagnosed with cancer, a friend lost the use of his legs in a freak accident, his daughter separated from her husband, etc.) and my H claimed that he was so depressed by these events that he just wasn't interested in sex. I tried to be understanding since his method of dealing with stressful events is to withdraw and ruminate, even though my method of coping is just the opposite - I crave even more intimacy in those situations.
When this went on for months and months however, I began to worry that he wasn't telling me the real reason he had lost interest in sex. It felt like he was losing interest in ME. I felt hurt and rejected and undesireable. My self esteem really suffered as a result. For years he told me I was "the best lover he ever had"; he still claimed I was his "best friend", but the sexual part of our relationship was unimportant.
Despite many inquiries I made about the possibility that other factors were at play, he continued to claim that it wasn't anything about me, but was probably due to his aging, etc. He told me he was comfortable with ML twice a month and he didn't feel that he needed to do anything about it. Basically he felt this mismatch of desire was my problem, and could be cured if I changed my expectations.
Our whole relationship became very rocky during this period. My H would tell me he wasn't happy but he couldn't or wouldn't be more specific than that. Initially he denied that there was any problem with me or our relationship, but after several months he began to express his concern that maybe our relationship was the source of his unhappiness after all.
Eventually he lowered the boom and admitted that he was no longer sexually atracted to me but he was sexually attracted to another woman, a "friend" of ours. Natually, that news was absolutely devestating to me, especially since it validated my worst fears. He denied acting on this attraction to her, however.
We both had been receiving counselling (separately) and after this awful revelation we also began to see a marriage counselor together. It was in our third session with the marriage counselor, (just after the therapist had told us that he saw no reason our relationship couldn't survive and thrive if we wanted it to) that my H told me that we were through and he wasn't willing to work at saving the relationship. He was absolutely firm about his position and we separated that day.
Three weeks after our separation my H went on a week's vacation to a beach cottage we had rented for a vacation we had planned to take together along with two of my H's children and their families. In my place took he took our "friend". Up until that point I held out hopes that our marriage could survive but when I learned that the OW had been just waiting in the wings I accepted that it was really over..
Our friends and family were all shocked at my H's behavior, especially his bringing the OW on the family vacation. I have to admit that I too thought he had gone off the deep end! I learned that the relationship with the OW had begun six months earlier. No wonder he wasn't interested in sex with me when he was having sex with her! So many lies had been told to me!
The day he returned from the vacation (one month exactly after he split up with me in the therapist's office) I received a letter from my H begging for my forgiveness and looking to restore our relationship. He had broken up with the OW, knew he made a terrible mistake, and planned to ask our friends and family members for forgiveness too.
Slowly we began to see each other and repair the pain his affair had caused. It has been a difficult process but it has now been over 1 1/2 years so the worst is behind us. He has been a wonderful, devoted partner during this period.
Unfortunately, our sex life has not been restored. We still ML only 1 or 2 times per month. He claims that he is attracted to me sexually but he doesn't need to act on that attraction with any more frequency. I am so hungry for the sexual contact and the validation it provides me. Without that validation I remain insecure in our relationship and fearful that he will again find another woman sexually attractive and act on that attraction. I have never stopped loving him - even in the darkest hours - but I find myself wondering if there is a future for us. I am in mourning for the sexual relationship that we once had. I wonder if I will be content to live without the reassurance and validation that ML provides. I want to feel beautiful and desireable again. Furthermore, I feel a sense of failure since I am unable to stimulate his desire as I once could.
My H asked me to stop initialing sex. He told me that if I relaxed and let it happen naturally that he was sure it would occur more often. He explained that when he felt pressured it lowered his libido even further.
I have struggled to do what he asked. I have not initiated sex in six months or so, but the frequency of our lovemaking hasn't changed. I don't know what to do next. My H claims that 1 ro 2 times a month is normal and that I am creating this problem by having unrealistic expectations. Is that the case? Why does it still feel awful to me? I need help and advice!!!
I have been married 23 years. I noticed our sex life to go down after we got married. I telll him You said I DO and I wont ever again. Ive talked to him about the subject. We haven't had sex since Oct. 2002. He recently moved back in after a year of separation and no affection yet. Trying not to get upset because Im the only one that get's upset about this subject.
Michelle, I think it is AWESOME that you are writing a book about sex starved wives!! I will be buying that book for sure. I know as a woman who has a husband with a low sex drive I feel so alone. Often times I think what is wrong with him. Men aren't supposed to be wired this way. They are the dominant ones, the sex maniacs. So when you have a husband with no drive or at least I know I think this way....what is wrong, could he be gay, he is so weird. I feel like with all the normal men you hear about how in the world did I find one like this. Here is my story.... We have been married for 10 years. For 8 of those years I have noticed his drive lessening. I noticed that after the birth of our second child his drive was low and he hardly ever initiated sex. For one year I would ask him what was wrong. One night I begged for an answer and he told me it was because I gained weight with having our children and he just wasn't as attracted. I was so hurt just devastated. Hearing this just depressed me more. However things continued the same and then a few years later I lost all the weight which was a total weight loss of 52 pounds and I am now in a size 3. I will add my husband also gained about 25 pounds and lost muscle mass and his hair has been thinning. I mention this because it angers me that I worked so hard to lose weight and it made no difference in his desire. But the anger part came in that he judged me so harshly that night and held this over my head as an excuse when he had weight on himself. So now I am thin and still get no sex and he is still overweight. All in all his weight don't bother me really. The only reason it bothers me is he is not as active which is unhealthy. The thing that really upsets me is my husband masturbates more then we have sex. We average having sex maybe once every two weeks. I would be happy with twice a week. More would be nice but I could be happy with twice. I could be lying next to him and he has gotten up and masturbated. We have been home alone and he has gotten up and masturbated. I drop the kid's off at school and am home shortly to our house that we have all alone. And he has masturbated in that short time I was away. So I think how can he prefer his male hand to the feeling of a woman. Which is the thought of oh no could could he be gay. Another interesting fact about my husband is back in his day he was known as quite the player. He has been with many women before me. So I never could have thought sex would ever be a problem. He was married before me and that was one of the two long term relationships he had ever been in. His first engagement to this girl it is known she cheated on him. His ex wife also cheated on him and told people that he didn't sexually satisfy her and that is why she cheated. I didn't hear about this until after we were married. I was married before and my ex and I averaged sex 4 times a week and were married for five years. One day I toild my husband I have probably had sex way more then him even though he was a player because of my long term relationship with good sex. He got really angry and defensive about this and said yeah right. It has been 5 weeks since we had sex. We attempted to weeks ago but he couldn't even get an erection. He is only 39 and I am 33. So right now he is avoiding sex at all costs. He will not talk about it either. He mentioned through tears he thought it was time to see a doctor. But of course that was weeks ago and he has made no effort to make an appointment and is just avoiding sex. I feel as if I am on the verge of an affair. I am so hungry for the feel of a man. This has made me feel so low, undesired, ugly, not wanted, hurt, unloved and humilated. I have asked him to separate but he won't go. Everything I say he ignores.
I've given this a lot of thought and I think the issue of disparate desire has been a part of our relationship from the beginning. I came from 11 year marriage to someone who had issues with perscription drugs, bipolar disorder and narscissm. I was glad to get out with any shred of dignity.
I think at first I found my H's rather mild sexuality comforting. He clearly was interested in me as a person. As I became more and more interested in him and attracted to him I got increasingly hungry for forthright displays of desire that were all too far and few between. Nevertheless, my H seemed to be just as interested as I but it seemed that circumstances (being adults with kids and jobs) prevented the kind of "shut the door behind us for three days" kind of sexuality that I desired from him. I thought it was just a question of being distracted.
Then we became engaged and his best friend died. Now, the almost complete lack of desire, lack of interest in being touched etc... was explained due to grief. Six months later it was the same explanation. I began to wonder if he questioned our engagement. I asked. I wondered if he was still attached to an old love even though he never even lived with anyone before. I began to wonder if he had someone else. Enter counseling. Result - we communicated better and were happier in general. Sex - very little and far between.
A few months later we were married. We decided to have a baby and for 3 months H was a very interested partner. He still wasn't very experimental nor given to spontaneous displays of desire. Pregnancy was blissful and luckily the sleepiness overrode the usual frequency of my desire but in general we did well in the sexual arena during this time.
The baby is now 10 months old and we went back to counseling a few months ago because the sex issue was tearing me apart inside. Now the Couselor had an affair, left her marriage and even that is no longer a forum to discuss this issue.
How do I feel?
*Alternately obsessed, angry and apathetic. *Unattractive *Given to flights of fancy: Is he gay? Do I have bad breath and not realize it? Does he have a secret addiction (porn, strip clubs, drugs) that I'm not aware of? etc... (I know that the answer is no BTW) *Stupid - like I have been sold a bill of goods. *B*tchy - he's such a great guy how can I ask for more? *Hurt *Resentful *In horrible, unrelenting pain that sometimes only increases when he decides about once every six weeks or so that he is interested in sex. *Depraved/Perverted - is there something wrong with me? *Depressed
The other women have given really good descriptions of how things feel. The feelings are worse or better depending on lots of outside, unrelated things but the ache of not being desired never truly subsides.
I am a LDH, and W is nearly WAW. She has expressed many of the emotions listed, but she waited until they became venemous and poisoned her love for me. There are a number of reasons that I am LDH, none are unfixable. Trouble is we both continued more of same until too late. Now it has been over two months with no contact. I moved into the spare room a few days a go, as I couldn't stand being so close to her knowing that she didn't even want me at all. I moved to spare room to slow down her urge to run. I will read SSM, and reread these posts, but I fear that it is too late for us to work things out.
She is beautiful, the love of my life, and I am a fool for not getting help! How I wish I could get her to post here! I wish she would read these posts, and see that our problem is no where near unique. She had the most painful sneer on her face when she saw my copy of SSM, it was a sneer full of pity, with a touch of "you wish" mixed in. I wish I knew how to break down her wall, or send messages over it, to show her that there are many other people who have worked through the same situation. Alas, I am at a loss. (bigtime)
