I've given this a lot of thought and I think the issue of disparate desire has been a part of our relationship from the beginning. I came from 11 year marriage to someone who had issues with perscription drugs, bipolar disorder and narscissm. I was glad to get out with any shred of dignity.
I think at first I found my H's rather mild sexuality comforting. He clearly was interested in me as a person. As I became more and more interested in him and attracted to him I got increasingly hungry for forthright displays of desire that were all too far and few between. Nevertheless, my H seemed to be just as interested as I but it seemed that circumstances (being adults with kids and jobs) prevented the kind of "shut the door behind us for three days" kind of sexuality that I desired from him. I thought it was just a question of being distracted.
Then we became engaged and his best friend died. Now, the almost complete lack of desire, lack of interest in being touched etc... was explained due to grief. Six months later it was the same explanation. I began to wonder if he questioned our engagement. I asked. I wondered if he was still attached to an old love even though he never even lived with anyone before. I began to wonder if he had someone else. Enter counseling. Result - we communicated better and were happier in general. Sex - very little and far between.
A few months later we were married. We decided to have a baby and for 3 months H was a very interested partner. He still wasn't very experimental nor given to spontaneous displays of desire. Pregnancy was blissful and luckily the sleepiness overrode the usual frequency of my desire but in general we did well in the sexual arena during this time.
The baby is now 10 months old and we went back to counseling a few months ago because the sex issue was tearing me apart inside. Now the Couselor had an affair, left her marriage and even that is no longer a forum to discuss this issue.
How do I feel?
*Alternately obsessed, angry and apathetic. *Unattractive *Given to flights of fancy: Is he gay? Do I have bad breath and not realize it? Does he have a secret addiction (porn, strip clubs, drugs) that I'm not aware of? etc... (I know that the answer is no BTW) *Stupid - like I have been sold a bill of goods. *B*tchy - he's such a great guy how can I ask for more? *Hurt *Resentful *In horrible, unrelenting pain that sometimes only increases when he decides about once every six weeks or so that he is interested in sex. *Depraved/Perverted - is there something wrong with me? *Depressed
The other women have given really good descriptions of how things feel. The feelings are worse or better depending on lots of outside, unrelated things but the ache of not being desired never truly subsides.
