Dear Michelle. Thanks you so much for deciding to take action on addressing the topic of the sex-starved wife. I have purchased and read every book I can get my hands on about the subject of SSM, but nearly all focus on the wife as being the one who is uninterested in sex. The opposite situation is typically addressed superficially, if at all. Unfortunately, in my case I am the one who is wanting sex and my H is indifferent.
So here's my story -
For about the first 8 years together we had a fabulous sex life. We both had been married before for nearly 20 years each and we marveled at how spectacular sex could be after the tepid expereinces we had with our former spouses. HIs attraction for me was absolutely intoxicating! I felt beautiful, desireable, and so special. I knew I was the most fortuanate woman inthe world to have such a loving partner who appreciated our sex life as much as I did.
At about year 9 the frequency of ML began to decline. The slide happened fairly rapidly. For many years we had ML 5 or 6 times a week. The frequency dropped to about 2 times a month. Many negative events were happening at that time (a parent was diagnosed with cancer, a friend lost the use of his legs in a freak accident, his daughter separated from her husband, etc.) and my H claimed that he was so depressed by these events that he just wasn't interested in sex. I tried to be understanding since his method of dealing with stressful events is to withdraw and ruminate, even though my method of coping is just the opposite - I crave even more intimacy in those situations.
When this went on for months and months however, I began to worry that he wasn't telling me the real reason he had lost interest in sex. It felt like he was losing interest in ME. I felt hurt and rejected and undesireable. My self esteem really suffered as a result. For years he told me I was "the best lover he ever had"; he still claimed I was his "best friend", but the sexual part of our relationship was unimportant.
Despite many inquiries I made about the possibility that other factors were at play, he continued to claim that it wasn't anything about me, but was probably due to his aging, etc. He told me he was comfortable with ML twice a month and he didn't feel that he needed to do anything about it. Basically he felt this mismatch of desire was my problem, and could be cured if I changed my expectations.
Our whole relationship became very rocky during this period. My H would tell me he wasn't happy but he couldn't or wouldn't be more specific than that. Initially he denied that there was any problem with me or our relationship, but after several months he began to express his concern that maybe our relationship was the source of his unhappiness after all.
Eventually he lowered the boom and admitted that he was no longer sexually atracted to me but he was sexually attracted to another woman, a "friend" of ours. Natually, that news was absolutely devestating to me, especially since it validated my worst fears. He denied acting on this attraction to her, however.
We both had been receiving counselling (separately) and after this awful revelation we also began to see a marriage counselor together. It was in our third session with the marriage counselor, (just after the therapist had told us that he saw no reason our relationship couldn't survive and thrive if we wanted it to) that my H told me that we were through and he wasn't willing to work at saving the relationship. He was absolutely firm about his position and we separated that day.
Three weeks after our separation my H went on a week's vacation to a beach cottage we had rented for a vacation we had planned to take together along with two of my H's children and their families. In my place took he took our "friend". Up until that point I held out hopes that our marriage could survive but when I learned that the OW had been just waiting in the wings I accepted that it was really over..
Our friends and family were all shocked at my H's behavior, especially his bringing the OW on the family vacation. I have to admit that I too thought he had gone off the deep end! I learned that the relationship with the OW had begun six months earlier. No wonder he wasn't interested in sex with me when he was having sex with her! So many lies had been told to me!
The day he returned from the vacation (one month exactly after he split up with me in the therapist's office) I received a letter from my H begging for my forgiveness and looking to restore our relationship. He had broken up with the OW, knew he made a terrible mistake, and planned to ask our friends and family members for forgiveness too.
Slowly we began to see each other and repair the pain his affair had caused. It has been a difficult process but it has now been over 1 1/2 years so the worst is behind us. He has been a wonderful, devoted partner during this period.
Unfortunately, our sex life has not been restored. We still ML only 1 or 2 times per month. He claims that he is attracted to me sexually but he doesn't need to act on that attraction with any more frequency. I am so hungry for the sexual contact and the validation it provides me. Without that validation I remain insecure in our relationship and fearful that he will again find another woman sexually attractive and act on that attraction. I have never stopped loving him - even in the darkest hours - but I find myself wondering if there is a future for us. I am in mourning for the sexual relationship that we once had. I wonder if I will be content to live without the reassurance and validation that ML provides. I want to feel beautiful and desireable again. Furthermore, I feel a sense of failure since I am unable to stimulate his desire as I once could.
My H asked me to stop initialing sex. He told me that if I relaxed and let it happen naturally that he was sure it would occur more often. He explained that when he felt pressured it lowered his libido even further.
I have struggled to do what he asked. I have not initiated sex in six months or so, but the frequency of our lovemaking hasn't changed. I don't know what to do next. My H claims that 1 ro 2 times a month is normal and that I am creating this problem by having unrealistic expectations. Is that the case? Why does it still feel awful to me? I need help and advice!!!
