Michelle, If you are still reading this topic here is my story.
After the birth of our first child (who is now 24) H was just not interested for quite a while. We fought often and this was a very hard time. My body did not bounce back like he thought it would/should have. After birth of second son, this did not happen, if fact the opposite, but with having 2 children and going back to work after 6 weeks I wasnt interested much and he became angry and sullen.
Sex was never the same after that. We just didnt have the tools to work it out. He withheld it from me often. Said we need to be parents and didnt have time or energy for that. Intimate time were few and far between. I became stressed and angry all the time. I told myself he just didnt love me. Let myself go, was too busy working. It was all I had besides my sons.
I became overweight and unhappy. Started taking AD"s on the advice of my Dr.
We literally went a year at a time with no sex. When he felt I was at the end of my rope, he would grudingly agree.
H walked out four years ago and after a year more of lies and secrets I found out he had been involved in a total of three affairs. One with my best friend, and two with his co-workers. Said it was all about the sex, except the last one which had developed into a full blown relationship and commitment. Finally I had the truth and could move on. Then Wham, he came out of his MLC (largely due to the fact that although OW told him our kids and his family would come to accept his decision, they did not. He just was not the same man and they all made it clear not only would she never be a part of their lives, either would he)
H has now been home 3 years this month. Finally understanding why he did what he did and for the most part things are better than they ever have been. Except the sex.
He just is not interested. He has no desire for me. I work out at the gym twice a day, watch what I eat and have changed all my bad habits. Unfortunatley due to a thyroid condition and stress at my job which is constant the weight is not coming off. (cant change my job as part of our agreement when he moved home was that he quit his job after 25 years!!! to get away from OW and the feelings she kept bringing back and went back to school for his teaching credential. He still has 3 semesters left so I am the only income and to change would reduce that) I am in good shape but chubby. He uses that as his excuse. He uses anything he can. Unless we go away and stay at a hotel or it is a special occasion he will do anything to avoid the sex. When we do have sex, he wont touch certain parts of my body such as stomach or hips, wont kiss, no oral) He wont say ILY either.
How does this make me feel>? Worthless. Ugly. Undeserving. Doormat. Checkbook. like I made the biggest mistake in my life. I am obsessed by the lack of sex in our relationship. Went to MC when he came back and ironed out everything but this which he will not discuss. When I bring it up, he gets angry and says that he should just leave that all I want to do is create drama where there is none. He says that school and coaching baseball at the college is all he can do right now. These things are effortless to him, where our relationship requires effort that he just cant make right now. I feel sick and cheated. He had none of these issues with the OW's. He says when he was with them, his life was stress free and it was easy to be with them, but I offer the opportunity of a lifetime, a paid education that he does not have to work and I am too much effort. Most days I just wish I could run away and not feel anymore.
H isnt so great in the physical looks dept either these days. I never say anything but compliment him but he has a stomach and does not work out, but when he was with the OW he did to make himself better for her since she was younger and thin. He also has performance problems and cannot finish what he starts sometimes. says it is because he is out of shape and runs out of breath.
If I had no sex drive or the need for this connection to heal, life would be great. Unfortunately for me it is not the case. As for what I am doing now, I keep my thoughts to myself, show nothing on the outside at all. I am dying inside and dont know how much longer I can hang on.
