I am married to a passive-aggressive guy who procrastinates, makes promises about doing things that he ignores/breaks, etc. He has very LD (he says) but not overly long ago I discovered he had a huge porn collection that he was adding to and jerking off over while I was up all night for months and months with our baby. ;P Ah, yeah, not LD for THAT, eh. And he's an ogler, too, was very overt. It used to be downright insulting, he is more discreet since I pointed it out to him but he sure hasn't stopped, he has made it a big game to try and get me to notice when he's "sneaking peeks". He drools over other women and makes it obvious to me that he finds certain ones attractive. He gives sex only grudgingly when I get cranky about it, and manages to make me feel like it's a duty on his part. Sheesh, he used to talk about stuff he wanted my 'permission' [!?] to buy after having sex, as if it were some sort of trade-off, sex for bike parts. These days he likes to shop for real estate, that pretty much serves the equivalent. He won't admit that he finds my body unattractive, yet I sense that he does (no, I am not fat or anything, I'm 125 lbs, 5'7") but I have had 3 kids and don't look like a porn queen. He acts unturned on and doesn't want to give my body much attention (when he does, again, it's pretty grudging, you get the horrible impression he is doing you a huge favor and that makes it feel awful, hard for ME to get turned on then). He rarely does anything nice/lingering/no oral, etc. He doesn't "look turned on" when we make love and he never compliments me or acts like he finds me attractive. He has mentioned before that he mostly likes my "personality" (people tell me I look like Natalie Wood and I could get another guy in the snap of 2 fingers). This was when I found some old love letters of his to someone by mistake and they were absolutely torrid, nothing like he had ever written to or communicated to ME. He has always claimed that he wasn't good at expressing love, yet these letters proved that he was not at all. I was just not good-looking enough for him. I can only assume he wants me for another reason, and that is to be his "lifestyle vehicle". He dreams of a low-conflict/low-demand situation where he will only have to work minimally to enjoy a relaxed independent country lifestyle and my freelance profession would allow him to do that (he has been only irregularly employed and has a persnickety disposition about team playing). The problem is, we have a baby and I do need him to watch the baby sometimes so I can work (I do the same for him, he is working at the moment - a contract *I* found for him ;P)... I don't like him that much anymore, feel ugly and used and don't even WANT sex anymore, tired of feeling like it's a big favor he's doing me. I want to be genuinely WANTED and there are guys out there who would fit the bill, believe me. I'd love to get out of this marriage, but he keeps talking me out of it and will act "OK" for awhile, putting on a veneer of interest/attraction that is patently faked, doing more chores, etc., then lapses back into treating me like his armchair-for-life. I just can't seem to force myself to like him anymore. Let alone love. I'm so happy when he leaves the house to go do something, I feel 50 pounds lighter in spirit. This lady's post above really brought it home to me: we want to be thought attractive, or a lot of feeling falls by the wayside. I guess the reason I am reading DivorceBusters is because Divorce is such a hassle I'd like to avoid it. But I'd like to be happy, too, to have a real "love life".
