Michele,
I have a question for you..I'm not sure how often you check these forums.

Does the arousal-then-desire pattern show up very frequently in men, or is it primarily something you see with women?

I need to find a way around this--in my own mind, I mean--and was curious to know how prevalent this is.

My desire and enjoyment of the sexual experience is very wrapped up in his arousal and desire, as it is with all people. It is important to me that my husband enjoy my physical self..be turned on by that..and I have a hard time getting into the whole experience when he is not desirous of me, only willing. I think this aspect is a little different with the HD men. My arousal very much hinges on how attractive my mate finds me. I know the men want this element, too, but I would think it is more pronounced in the ladies, simply because that is part of the female experience--there is an emphasis on physical beauty that is not present in the HD male equation.

I need to know that my mate finds me attractive enough to want to pursue sex with me, and yet if his desire follows his sexual arousal, this is hard to do. There are times when I need to physically touch him to the point of erection and then WHAM he is attentive to me and focused on what about me turns him on. This system would work okay except that I don't necessarily have the proper amount of "heat" to sustain the experience until this happens. If I notice that I am not turning him on, I am much less apt to force the situation. I give up simply because it turns me OFF to have to pursue a man that hard.

So in a way I feel as if I am punishing him (and myself) because of the way his body works.

Or does it?

That's what I'm hoping to find out..if the arousal-desire pattern is as common in the men as women. If it is, I can work around that.

What I can't work around is a situation whereby he keeps his desire hidden away until I drag it out of him by being over the top with my own desire.

Please advise, if you can.

Thanks!