Quote: ...one of the important components of sex with our partners is validation of our womanliness.
I think I would be happier if H at least noticed me more often. It doesn't always have to lead to something. But I love it when he just says something about how I look.
Part of the problem, for me, has been in learning to accept that my H does not notice beauty in the way that I do.
So I get validation from other men but not my own husband. I realize the HDH's get validation from other women, as well, but not nearly to the same degree that the HDW's do--men being men, after all right! For a very long time, I thought he was simply withholding his validation from me. That was a small part of it but the greater truth is that he just doesn't notice it. He's not being malicious, it just crosses his mind much less.
I was reminded of this last night in the grocery store as me and the guy standing behind me were both checking out the next girl in line, who was the proud owner of a beautiful tush. I thought, My H wouldn't have even noticed her! LOL
HoneyPot wrote {{I realize the HDH's get validation from other women, as well, but not nearly to the same degree that the HDW's do--men being men, after all right!}}
HP, I only get validation from other women when I do some repairs for them, cook for them, or fulfill a request they have. I sometimes feel used, kind of like I was their errand boy. But maybe some women do give me validation. I just do not see the validation unless I have done something for them. My W even says friends and family use me.
How does this fit in "The sex starved wife theme?" Either I am getting the validation from my W and other women and I do not recognise it, or most women do not show it to me. Because I do not feel validated maybe I have trouble validating my W? Do I have an antenna deficit?
I see women showing validation to powerful men like power brokers, doctors, Robert Redford types, but not the repair man unless the woman has a problem. Too many women in my life need to have a "knight in shining armor" for them to be happy. I also see guys drooling over women like Julia Roberts because they "look or act hot"
To me the SSW thing starts with lack of feeling worthwhile, special and is more than the lack of sex with her H in many cases. Yes, having sex with the H would make you feel wanted, loved, and satisfy your horniness. Maybe teen boys can have sex with out the EC a special relation ship brings. I want both as I suspect you do too. BTW HP, I think your M has most of the things I stated I wanted so most of this does not apply to you or your M except the men feeling validated part. Some guys have antenna problems. Me included.
That is a "bump". What that means is that it "bumps" the topic back to the top of the list of new posts. In this case it gets your attention back to the topic to keep it fresh in your mind and hopefully gets you to add to the conversation.
I knew my h had a low drive long before we married...trouble is I didn't know it would stay that way let alone get worse.
We met young and I'll admit I was the initiator of most sexual interactions in the begining (he was a nice boy) but he soon took over...but then...
he started his own business and all went downhill from there...
slowly his drive diminished to the point where he was rarely initiating and rejected me when I did...(so I don't bother any more due to YEARS of rejection)
he also started falling asleep all the time...
it became more than just lack of sex but lack of attention (sure he'd come to see me but would soon fall asleep on the couch)
Obviosly at this point there's far more wrong with my marriage than just lack of sex...to tell you the truth at this point I'd rather take care of myself (and do) than have sex with him...I used to just enjoy the sex now it's empty and I know it. He hardly initiates now so it's really not something I have to worry much over.
This is a great subject. There are some unique characteristics to a SSM where the wife is the higher drive spouse. Mostly, these have to do with social expectations and what is considered ‘normal’.
My H and I have been together for over 16 years, married for 8. We are both 34. For the first few years, he was the HD partner. For various reasons, I was inhibited and a little shy and he pursued me aggressively. When I was finally ready to meet him sexually, he seemed to have lost interest. It first became apparent long before we got married, but I didn’t realize how deep the problem went until later. We would typically go a couple of months before I would have a meltdown and express my unhappiness to him. We had many long discussions, without any resolution. He would try briefly, then fall into his old ways. We have and had a fairly happy, affectionate marriage otherwise. Or so I thought! As we started working on the sexual relationship, other things have come to light…notably fundamental issues of respect and trust.
Some of the negative feelings I experienced in the old days included: Self-doubt Anger Sadness Fear due to lack of understanding Envy Feeling of being trapped Feeling of being crushed Self-pity…why me?
We have come a long way now. But things were pretty ugly for a long time. We both felt unloved and unhappy and didn’t know what to do.
