The Sex-Starved Wife

[desdamona]

Both my husband and I had been married and divorced with two children each before we met and married in our early thirties with the understanding that divorce was not an option. We thought we had much in common- religion, 12 step programs, kids and crazy ex's. We had similar goals, house, kids, family first. We thought we both liked sex a whole lot. When we were first married, I thought it would always be like that...sex in the mornings, before bed and sometimes he came from work. Happy, happy me!
It seemed like it didn't take long for him to start to be tired more and more often. I began to notice that it was always me inititating sex, and more and more it seemed like he was just going along with it. It felt like he was performing a household chore. It stopped being love-making and changed to sex. He seemed to be going through the motions, looking for the magic formula to quickly and without much emotional interaction satisfy me sexually.

Within a couple of years, with each big fight, he would withold sex for days, weeks, not talk to me. I would be frustrated and eventually got tired of rejection. I would decide to be nice and friendly but not approach him, and wait...and wait and wait ( building resentment, hurt and becoming very cranky). I remember crying quietly to sleep many, many nights.

He always had reasons not to have sex that seemed to be the reasons I wanted to have sex, he was stressed, he was tired, he was sick, he was angry. He was always jealous and suspicious that I would find someone else, and to me it seemed he was trying to set that up by witholding so often. I think I became incredible depressed, felt trapped with a nearly sexless ( to me) marriage, gave myself all kinds of stress related problems that led to even more distance.

I know I tried talking it out. Sharing my feelings, my needs and always felt like there was something wrong or freakish about me and my high drive. I certainly did not feel loved or valued. It often felt that I was stuck with the roommate from hell.

Eventually, the fights, his smoking led to him not being able to physically have any sort of sex. At first sympathetic but eventually very very angry and bitter about him robbing me of MY sex life. Neither of us respected the other persons position. He felt pressured, castrated and belittled by me. I felt punished, hurt, rejected, and I cannot explain the anguish.

I know some say don't take it so personally, but it was personal. There wasn't anyone else there but me.

Eventually, we discovered Viagra, and when the marriage part was good, the sex was great. When we separated over his jealousy the first time and we remained lovers, the makeup sex following fights was still great.

But as a woman, I felt so "damn unpretty". My heart would just physically hurt. I saw him as punishing me for something...who knew what. I think we all grow up thinking men always want sex and it is women who don't. I felt so isolated. I was too embarrassed to tell people that my own husband couldn't stand to touch me. I felt the need to protect him as well. I would scream horrible things when we fought, but I would never have embarrased him by even hinting that we had problems.

Now, we are separated. And even when things are good between us, he would not/has not initiated love making. If I invite him over, and we end up in bed, it is only because I initiate it. I feel like a whore, or something ugly, not loved, not wanted. I feel guilty and ashamed of wanting to have sex. Yes, I would think shame would be the best word to describe my feelings.